DULLES, VA (DPI) - AOL Time Warner, Inc. which owns America Online, Inc. offered the souls of its 30 million AOL users in exchange for a controlling interest in Hell, Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Good & Evil, Inc. Barry Schuler, Chairman and CEO of AOL said, "This acquisition will allow us to provide additional services to our users. It will save them time because there will be no long lines or waiting to get in. Just enter the keyword 'HELL' and see what happens."

AOL Time Warner Chairman Steve Case added, "We view this as a cost savings for the forces of good. They will be able to reduce staff at that pretty gate thing and maybe only work the saint guy half time. We'll even throw in 3 million CompuServe members for free, just sweeten the deal."

Hell, Inc. Head Demon, Mintaka Alnilam Alnitak, who spoke on the condition of anonymity stated, "My master, He-Who-Shall-Not-Be- Named, is going to be one pissed Prince of Darkness when he returns from his vacation in Yuma. There'll be hell to pay. Hell, we consider this to be a very hostile takeover bid. Hello, most of those AOL users were going to end up here anyway. Hell, we used the soul of Jane Fonda to transform Ted Turner into our lap puppy, what the hell do we need AOL for. Hell, if we wanted to be treated like puppets we would have let our good friend Bill Gates buy us."

Lawyers are scrutinizing the merger with Hell, but that in itself may present a conflict of interest.

- Reported by Dave Henry
Copyright 2001 by Chris White

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