Fun Fact:
Studies show that people who listen to classic rock have a higher incidence of osteoporosis, meaning Styx and Stones may very well break your bones.

To keep a band together you simply need a gimmick. The gimmick I use is to pay them omeny.
- Duke Ellington

What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

I changed all my passwords to "Kenny."
Now I have all Kenny Loggins.

Tapes had sides "A" and "B" so it's only logical that their successor would be CDs.

Teacher: Write an essay on a famous king and discuss hisr accomplisments.
Student: Whadda you mean, "King Crimson" doesn't count?

Woman in auto shop: Did you fix that horrible noise?
Mechanic: Sure did, we removed the Cardi B CD and replaced it with Led Zeppelin.

The reason people say vinyl sounds better, is because the music was better.

My taste in music ranges from "you need to listen to this" to "I know, please don't judge me."

Q: Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
A: They're always behind a few bars and can never find the key.

Sign inside club by the door:
When leaving the premises, please remind our neighbors that drunk people have been loudly leaving this establishment long before they decided to buy houses next door to it.

A young woman on trial for beating her husband with his guitars was asked by the judge: "First offender?
She replied: "No, judge. First a Gibson, then a Fender.

What did I tell you about slamming The Doors?
Jim Morrison was overrated.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a week.
Teach him music and how to buy instruments and he will be poor for his entire lifetime.

Bob Moog died for your synths.

Sign in window of music store.
We sell musical instruments and drums.

An E-flat, a G-flat and a B-flat walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve minors."

What is the difference between a rocker and a jazzman?
A rocker plays 3 chords in front of 3,000 people.
A jazzman plays 3,000 chords in front of 3 people.

Blaming all Muslims for the terrorists is like blaming all musicians for Ted Nugent.

People pay $150 to watch someone lip sync - sitting half a mile away ...
Ask them to pay $10 to see local band actually play and everybody loses their mind.

Musician: Someone who loads $5,000 worth of gear into a $500 car to drive 100 miles to a $50 gig.

Two guys were walking down the street. One was a bass player, the other one didn't have any money either.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the LSD wears off and I realize I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a McDonalds parking lot.

It doesn't pay to harp on something, unless you're a musician.

Music has too much sax and violins.

My crazy friend composes music in bed. She calls it sheet music.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Home cooking is killing our industry!
- RIAA (Restaurant Industry Association America)

One time we saw some hookers but when we got closer we realized it was Motley Crue.
- James Hetfield

I've never had problems with drugs. I've had problems with the police.
- Keith Richards

Elvis may be the King of Rock and Roll, but I am the Queen.
- Little Richard

Rock n Roll is the only religion that doesn’t let you down.
- Lemmy

The first rule of drumming is that if you make a mistake, turn round and look angrily at the bass player.
- Nick Mason

Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail!
- Bryan Michael Wendt

I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?
- Frank Zappa's reply to Tipper Gore's claim that rock lyrics incited deviant behavior

There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another.
If lyrics make people do things, how come we don't love each other?
- Frank Zappa

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
- Frank Zappa

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.
- Hunter S. Thompson

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
- Laurie Anderson

Q: What is the difference between a bass and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a bass.

Q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch information into a drum machine once for it to understand you.

Q: What do you call someone with no musical talent who hangs around a group of musicians?
A: Drummer.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

Q: What has three legs and an asshole?
A: A drum stool.

Q: What do you do if your kid can only count to four?
A: Buy him a drumset and call him gifted

Q: Why do drummers leave their drumsticks on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zone.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug in a vacuum in for it to suck.

Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and a drummer?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: How do you get a drummer off of your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Did you hear the one about the drummer that finished high school?
A: Yeah, me neither.

Q: How can you tell when there's a drummer behind you?
A: You can hear their knuckles dragging on the ground.

Q: How many drummer jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are true.

Q: Did you hear about the band that locked the keys in their van?
A: It took them three hours to get the drummer out.

Q: What does it mean when there's drool on the side of a drummer's mouth?
A: The riser is uneven.

Q: What do you call someone that follows musicians around to have sex and party?
A: A Drummer.

Q: How do you know when it's a drummer knocking on your door?
A: The speed is uneven and the volume keeps changing.

Q: What does a sneeze and a drum solo have in common?
A: You know it's coming and you can't stop it.

Bass. It's like a guitar for people who can't count.

Bass. Remedial guitar.

Bass. Because I was tired of getting blowjobs after the show.

Bass. It's what you play when you're not delivering pizza.

Bass. It's no one's first choice.

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band.

Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."

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