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The rules of the blues

01. Most blues begin wiht: "woke up this mornin'."

02. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town."

03. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 'bout 500 pounds."

04. The blues are not about limitless choice: You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.

05. Blues cars are Chevies, Fords, Cadillac's, and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.

06. Lifestyle: Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die". Good grammar has no place in the blues: "I'm not going to care very much" needs to be: I ain't gonna give a dam".

07. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

08. You can have the blues in New York City, but not Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis and Nawlins are still the best places to have the blues. You can't have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

09. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues ... now, a woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing ... is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it ... is.

10. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
A. violet
B. beige
C. mauve

11. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

12. Good places for the Blues:
A. the highway
B. the jailhouse
C. the empty bed
D. bottom of a whiskey glass

13. Bad places for the Blues:
A. Nordstrom's
B. Gallery openings
C. Ivy League institutions
D. golf courses

14. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man and you slept in it.

15. When do you have the right to sing the blues?
A. if you're older than dirt
B. if you're blind
C. if your first name is a southern state like Georgia
D. if you shot a man in Memphis
E. if you can't be satisfied.
16. You can't really sing the blues if:
A. you have all your teeth
B. you once were blind but now can see
C. the man in Memphis lived
D. you have a 401(k) or a trust fund

17. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

18. If you ask for water and upr baby gives you gasoline ... it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
A. cheap wine
B. whiskey or bourbon
C. muddy water
D. nasty black coffee

19. The following are not blues beverages:
A. Perrier
B. Chardonnay
C. Snapple
D. Slim-Fast

20. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment or a tennis match.

21. Some Blues names for Women:
A. Sadie
B. Big Mama
C. Bessie
D. Fat River Dumplin'

22. Some Blues Names for Men:
A. Joe
B. Willie
C. Little Willie
D. Big Willie
E. Lightning

23. People with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, Heather, Jonathan and Charles can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

24. It doesn't matter how tragic your life is: if you own even one computer,
you cannot sing the blues.


Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
A. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
B. first name (see above) plus name of fruit, Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
C. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

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