You matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of lgiht ... then you energy.

My roomba just beat me to a Cheeto that I dropped on the floor. This is how the war against machines begins.

A translator did not know the english word "necromancer but he impropvised and honestly this is better:
We can ask the zombie wrangler to wake uop all the waxed corpses.

genie: I'm a genie. I offer you 3 wishers.
human: Make it 4.
genie: Granted. You have 3 left.

D&D alignments:
LUNCH
Lawful
Unaligned
Neutral
Chaotic
Hungry

D&D classes as tacky bumper stickers:
fighter: quit honking, I'm reloading.
Barbarian: powered by rage.
druid: Time spent in nature is time well spent.
rogue: drive it like you stole it.
cleric: blessed.
monk: hit me to get a free punch.
ranger: I love my fur babies.
warlock: demon's on board.
wizard: I read banned books.
paladin: relax ... God is in control.
sorcerer: beautiful disaster.

Give a man a fire, he's warm for a night.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
- Terry Pratchett

The Four Horsemen of getting screwed on D&D
1) Are you sure about this?
2) You don't see any traps.
3) What formation are you using to move in the dungeon?
4) Does 30 hit?

NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They're calling it the Apollo G.

Don't forget to set your clock back next weekend.
I'm setting mine back to 1973.

If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.

John Williams is so badass that he lost the Oscar for best original score in 1977 to himself because he was nominated for both Star Wars and Close Encounters of the Third Kind..

Star Trek:
Hey Spock, if we're supposed to go where no one has gone before, why do we keep finding people wherever we go?

Everyone always asks where is bigfoot, but no one asks how is bigfoot

Much like the Federation, I too have lofty ideals and no money.

Let me clear it up for you. Sci Fi is when you have a sword made of light because the author believes that's possible, and fantasy is where you have a sword made of light because the author belives that's impossible. Hope this helps."
- JoeSondow

Godzilla, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot stomp on, courage to shoot them with atomic breath, and wisdom to do a big roar afterwards.

STAR TREK:
The Prime Directivve forbids us from interfering. We cannot share our technology.
STARGATE SG1:B> All of your gods are false. Here, take these guns.

Being abducted by aliens might just be the vacation I need at this point.

I grew up so poor I had to play Dungeons or Dragons.

Q: Who's your favorite bodybuilder?
A: Dr. Frankenstein.

Protest Sign:
What do we want?
Time Travel.
When do we want it?
It's irrelevant!

The fact that I cannot explode into a thousand bats to escape awkward social situations is a constant source of irritation.

When people travel to the past, they worry about radically changing the present by doing something small.
Few people think that they can radically change the future by doing something small in the present.

If someone tells you that you look like an elf, then you should check with them whether they are a fan of Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings.

The instinct of creativity must be followed by the act, the physical act of putting it down for a sense of permanence.
- Rod Serling

A rational human being does not need answers, spoon fed to him on "faith," he needs questions to worry over-serious ones. The quality of the answers then depends on him....
- Robert A. Heinlein Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet you can't win.
- Robert A. Heinlein

The most dangerous is not the outlawed murderer, who only slays men, but the rebellious phi|osopher: for he destroys worlds.
- Poul Anderson

But reality really is a mess, and yet it's exciting. The basic thing is, how frightened are you of chaos? And how happy are you with order?
- Philip K. Dick

I originally planned only three, but I ended up with five novels. I might change my mind. But I doubt it. Too many things going on. Too many worlds in collision up inside my skull.
- Philip Jose Farmer

I will continue to be excited because the human imagination, as far as l'm concerned, is basically boundless. If I don't get excited about a story, 1 don't want to write it.
- Philip Jose Farmer

That was the way with Man; it had always been that way. He had carried terror with him. And the thing he was afraid of had always been himself.
- Clifford D. Simak

The sense of wonder is in the mind of the reader, not in the work that is being put out. An author should put something in his work that will evoke a sense of wonder in a mind that is receptive, however. And I think most of them do.
- Clifford D. Simak

In fantasy, ever wondered why the little people (dwarves, halflings, etc) always portrayed as the best cooks?
Because Tolkein was British. To him, the concept of good food was as much of a fantasy as elves and dragons.

The Evil Scientist's notes for the press conference.
Say LABORATORY not LAIR.
Say ASSISTANTS not HENCHMEN and GOONS.
Say GAME-CHANGING TECHNOLOGY not DOOMSDAY MACHINE.
Say GENERAL PUBLIC not HELPLES VICTIMS
Say CHALLENGE ENTRENCHED HIERARCHIES not BRING THE WORLD TO ITS KNEES

"The old magic persists thanks to it's unfathomable power."
No, the old magic persists because the new magic can't run the legacy spells I need to do my job, and keeps trying to install spirits L don't want or need onto my orb.
- mug-of-beans
Look, if the new magic didn't have a personality construct that kept trying to tell me which spells to use, maybe 1 wouldn't still be using the old magic.
- aQueerKettleOfish
Yes it had a deep blood cost, but at least it was a one time sacrifice and not this monthly bloodletting nonsense new age magic has
- wizard-council-bureaucrat
The old magic is robust enough to survive a decade of use and it's compatible with every wand, staff, scroll, and charm in our coIlection.
The new magic stops working after three days and every spell uses proprietary runes.
Our preferences, as an archiving institution, should be pretty clear.
- wizard-archivist-official
You try to get guidance for the new magic and the king's sorcerers maybe will answer you in a few days with an unhelpful suggestion to buy the newest orb.
You need guidance for the oId magic and a dozen retired middle-aged wizards will pop up to explain it to you rune by rune if necessary.
- CharlesOberonn

Imagine if your dad was a minotaur and your mom was a mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you're just some guy.
- SpunkyTurnip

Doctor: What's the problem?
Patient: A wolf bit me.
Doctor: Where?
Patient: No. Just an ordinary one.

? fourth law of robotics is ya gotta make it so the eyes go red when they turn evil
- AmFmPm

If there's watermelon shouldn't there be earthmelon, firemelon, and airmelon?
The elemelons.

Friendly reminder:
"undead" is an outdated term.
It's "necrodivergent" now.
or
differently animated.

Dyslexic zombies only eat Brians.

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Everybody says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I'm a jerk.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

When the moon hits your eyes and there's fur on your thighs, you're a werewolf.
When you burst out your jeans and you eat human beings, you're a werewolf.

What if aliens never invaded earth because they have seen Hollywood movies and think past attempts from other races continually fail.

Soylent Green:
How it tastes varies from person to person.

Back in the 70's I watched a movie called "Soylent Green". It was set in 2022. I will not be eating fake meat.

Roses are red,
Roses are blue,
Depending on the velocity
Relative to you.

Please do not eat in the library.
The ants will get in and learn to read and get too smart and knowledge is power, but power corrupts so they'll turn evil and take over the world.

Before we work on Artificial Intelligence ...
Why don't we do something about Natural Stupidity?

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall.
It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.
- MooseAllain

In Star Wars anyone can hop in any spaceship and knows how to fly it.
I just spent 20 minutes trying to find the headlights in a rental car.

Keep calm and write out your psychotic tendencies as popular horror fiction.

Count Dracula was 412 when he moved to England in search of new blood.
Sauron was 54,000 years old when he forged The One Ring.
Cthulhu had seen galaxies flare into life and fade to darkness before he put madness in the minds of men.
It's never too late to follow your dreams!
- AngryRobotBooks

Homicide victims rarely talk to police.
I'm more worried about the ones that do.
Zombies: Apparently they file police reports.

Does anyone else find it weird that when 'Star Trek' boldly goes where no one has gone before, they always find someone there?

When search parties scoured the space quadrant for any evidence of the starship that had entered the Black Hole, the only thing they found was a damaged carpenter's tool, floating alone in the vacuum of space. Yes, the only evidence that the starship had ever existed was one star-mangled spanner.

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Your sex robot could be hacked and programmed to kill you.
How's that different from a real girlfriend?

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, then how bad can it be?

What is a common myth about your country that is 100% false, but many people still believe in it?
Romania. Many people believe we have vampires, but in my 700 years of living here, I haven't even seen one.
I asked my mates back in the castle and they also haven't seen any, and they've been around for longer than I.

Myth Variation:
My housemates are convinced the place is haunted.
I’ve lived here 200 years and haven’t seen anything.

Frog: Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess.
Old man looks, picks up the frog, and stickes it in his pocket.
Frog: Aren't you going to kiss me?
Old Man: I'm 85 years old. I'd rather have a talking frog.

Don't you hate it when a zombie comes looking for brains and walks right past you?

I'm not scared of a computer passing the Turing test ...
I'm terrified of one intentionally fails it.

Astronaut 1: Hi mate, I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

Looking for logic in science fiction is like looking for a rhyme scheme in a cookbook. You won't find it, and you'll bugger up your souffle.

For the Gamers:
necromancer: Did you know that dinosaur skeletons in museums are usually fake casts?
museum guest: Did the internet tell you that?
necromancer: Nope, just a series of disappointing museum trips.

For the Gamers:
parent: Raising a family is hard.
necromancer: Not if they're buried close enough to each other.

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.
- Richard Pryor, 1971

Back in my day ....
Vampires sucked blood, not cock.

For a long time I thought Chewbacca was an ewok.
That was a wookie mistake.

Don't talk about Star Wars on a first date.
It's a Wookie mistake.

Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
- Arthur C. Clarke

I am not expendable, I’m not stupid, and I’m not going.
- Kerr Avon, from Blake's 7

In superhero movies, does car insurance cover the Hulk throwing my car into a spaceship?
That would be covered, but if it is hit by Thor's Hammer, then it is not covered since it is an act of god.

For the Gamers:
My car is out of alignment again.
I think right now it is "Lawful Evil."

Kid: I’m studying feudalism.
Me: Resistance is feudalism.
Kid: (blank stare).
- Nathan Fillion

In Space, No One Can Hear You Laugh

Q: What do you get when one of the walking dead bites a prostitute?
A: A fucking zombie.
- Cynical Pessimist

STAR WARS:
Q: How did Luke get around the forest moon of Endor after his speederbike crashed?
A: Ewoked.

Q: What kind of ticks do you find on the moon?
A: Luna-ticks!

Q: What kind of bulbs should you plant on the moon?
A: Light bulbs!

Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the whole collective enjoys the experience!

Q: What is an astronaut's favorite meal?
A: Launch!

Q: When is a window like a star?
A: When it's a skylight!

Q: What kinds of songs do planets like to sing?
A: Nep-tunes!

Q: What kind of poem can you find in outer space?
A: Uni-verse!

Q: Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon?
A: It was already full!

Q: What did the astronaut cook for lunch?
A: An unidentified frying object!

Q: How did the astronaut serve dinner in outer space?
A: On flying saucers!

Q: What's the best way to talk to a martian?
A: Long distance!

Q: What's a martian's normal eyesight?
A: 20-20-20!

"The old magic persists thanks to it's unfathomable power." No, the old magic persists because the new magic can't run the legacy spells 1 need to do my job, and keeps trying to install spirits 1 don't want or need onto my orb.
mug-of-beans
Look, if the new magic didn't have a personality construct that kept trying to tell me which spells to use, maybe 1 wouldn't still be using the old magic.
aqueerkettleofish
Yes it had a deep blood cost, but at least it was a one time sacrifice and not this monthly bloodletting nonsense new age magic has
wizard-council-bureaucrat
The old magic is robust enough to survive a decade of use and it's compatible with every wand, staff, scroll, and charm in our collection.
The new magic stops working after three days and every spell uses proprietary runes.
Our preferences, as an archiving institution, should be pretty clear.
wizard-archivist-of'ficial
You try to get guidance forthe new magic and the king's sorcerers maybe will answer you in a few days with an unhelpful suggestion to buy the newest orb.
You need guidance for the old magic and a dozen retired middle-aged wizards will pop up to explain it to you rune by rune if necessary.
charlesoberonn

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