INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

Subject: Re: Fwd: VIRUS ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you see a message on the boards with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer (20' range at 72 farenheit).

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother's number.

It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

It will put a dead squirrel in the back pocket of your good pants.

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear 1940's hits and static while stuck in traffic.

"Badtimes" will make you fall in love with a chronic schizophrenic. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boyfriend/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead: such is the power of "Badtimes", it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It will rewrite your back-up files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences.

"Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm disease and Tinea.

It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

"Badtimes" will prompt your mother to call on Friday and Saturday nights for two months after you make a new girlfriend/boyfriend.

It will place your wallet and keys on an obscure shelf in the basement.

It will emulate your face and stare into the neighbor's bathroom window.

"Badtimes" has been linked to cancer in laboratory mice.

9 out of 10 dentists recommend "Badtimes".

"Badtimes" will make your bloomers shrink two sizes, and it will make you gain 15 pounds. If this results in a wedgie, then "Badtimes" will leave a nasty skid mark.

It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.

It will kick your dog.

It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!

These are just a few signs. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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