INTERNET HUMOR PAGES


Dear Santa
I don't want a sweater this year for xmas.
I would much prefer a moaner or a screamer!

If size doesn't mattyer, why are there no 3 inch dildos?

Every girl is bi. You just have to figure out if it's polar or sexual.

Why do Brides Wear White?
Attending a wedding for the first time, a Iittle girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother replied, "Because white is the coIor of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits into your wife's clothes!

If God wanted me to only have one boyfriend then why'd he give me three holes and ADHD?

If all the girls attending the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.
- Dorothy Parker

As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterfies in my stomach. I knew right then and there ...
I had roofied the wrong drink.

Judy was entering the church wearing a see-through blouse.
You can't come into the church like that!" exclaimed the priest.
"But I have a divine right," replied Judy.
"You have a divine left too, but you still can't come in dressed like that!"

When I see lovers' names carved on trees, I think it's strange how many people bring knives on a date.

My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

female: I call my pussy "The Lotto" because men are lucky to hit it.
Male: I thought you called it that because you are always scratching it.

I'm organising a charity ball next week for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
Just let me know if you can't come.

Did you hear about the boy who survived eight years of molestation by a priest?
It was a touching story.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
Give him a pen, he'll probably draw a penis.

What do panties and nail polish have in common?
They both come off with alcohol.

You promised to make me breakfast this morning.
I said I'd scramble your eggs with my sausage.

Irony is getting pregnant on a pull out couch.

BREAKING NEWS:
A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.

It was eleven years ago today that my pal James came running out of the room shouting "it's a boy, it's a boy" with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand.

My favorite position is called the "Zombie."
I just lie back and get eaten.

I just read that on average, an adult U.S. Male will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is very upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese!

Instead of a condom I carry a moist towelette in my wallet. I run into chicken wings a lot more often than sex.

The broccoli says, "I look like a small tree."
The mushroom says "I look like an umbrella."
The walmut says, "I look like a brain."
The banana says, "Can we please change the subject."

Everything is a dildo if you're brave enough:
There once was a lady named Jill
who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
they found her vagina
in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil

I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used the phrase "thanks for coming."

Well I see your viagra has been working properly.
You're a bigger dick today than you were yesterday.

The best form of protection when you don't have a condom is a fake name.

If you like having sex while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get applause every three to four minutes.

You know you suck in bed when your blow up doll kills herself.

When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor "Where should I put my pants?"
"Over there, beside mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

Sex with a 50 year old woman, is much like sex with a 20 year old.
Except it's less likely to turn into child support payments.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the sexiest of them all?"
The mirror laughed, and made a grunt.
"It sure ain't you, you ugly cunt."

Women that don't cook, clean, or suck dick always ask, "Where are all the good men?"
The good men just finished eating dinner, and they're relaxing in a clean house about to get their dick sucked.

New Condom Slogan:
Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks.

I would date a twin just to tell her sister I know what she looks like naked.

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships?
Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer.

Lesbians hate everything about men.
That's why they like women that look, dress and act just like men.

Threesome?
No thank you. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go to dinner with my parents.

Boobs are proof that men can focus on two things at once.

I think it's funny to haggle over the price with hookers when I'm just going to kill them anyway.

Today I took the afternoon off and got 18 holes in.
Maxed out my credit card at the brothel, but it was totally worth it.

Tonight I saved a woman from the shame of prostitution.
I didn't pay her.

A Husband asked his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"
She replied, "Because I don't like calling you at work.

I found my first grey pubic hair today.
Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

"I've had a better offer," I said to a stunning blonde in the bar.
"I asked you to buy me cocktails, take me home in a taxi and fuck me - what could be better than that?" she asked.
"See that fat girl over there?" I said. "She just wants a packet of crisps and she only lives around the corner."

Cleavage is like the sun. You can glance at it for only a second, but if you wear sunglasses, you can look much longer.

According to my new fitness smart watch,
I've masturbated for four miles.

I walked up to a girl in the pub, and said, "Did it hurt?"
Unimpressed, she said, "What? When I fell from heaven?"
"No, when you had your penis removed", I replied.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they would eventually find me attractive.

I'm not a gynocologist, but I know a cunt when I see one.

Has anyone else ever thought of registering as a sex offender so your friends can't bring their shitty kids over to your house?

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.
Everyone looks at you with disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

Two women talking:
You know I'm straight!
So's spaghetti until it gets wet!

Life is a lot like a penis.
Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely.
Then a woman makes it hard.

I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.

A kiss makes my day, but anal makes my hole weak.

Boobs and beer,
The things that make life worth living!

The best cardio ends with an orgasm.

Sex is like spinach.
If you were forced to have it as a child you might not enjoy it as an adult.

Got a handjob from a blind girl last night.
She said, "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on."
I said, "Nah, you're just pulling my leg."

When someone says "you suck," say "not for free." The look on their face is priceless.

Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.
The first nurse says "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse does the same.
The third nurse hesitates and says, I'm on my period," but does him anyway.
Suddenly the man sits up.
The nurses apologize. "We thought you were dead."
The man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel great!

Is smoking pot and then masturbating considered weed whacking?

If you show me your boobs I'll show you my tattoo.
Tit for tat.

Nurse to pregnant woman: "Did you want a boy or a girl?"
Pregnant woman: "I wanted him to pull out, but here I am."

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny.
If you see him without an erection ... sit on his face.

What's the best thing about a blowjob?
The 10 minutes of silence.

I've dated a vegetarian.
Trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick her candy.
But Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of cock
case Jill's real name was Randy.

Asian women.
An hour later and you're horny again.

Says she strips to feed her kids, but gets mad when you throw canned goods at her.

My wife said she wanted to make a sex tape, but she got pissed off when I suggested holding auditions for her part!

"I'm sorry you had a bad day, you can touch my tits if you want." said no woman ever.

Nipples. Nature's thermometer.

The war on drugs brought in more drugs.
The war on terrorists brought in more terrorists.
In 2017, I hope we declare war on pussy.

My other ride is your mom.

I'm not racist, I love all races. Except marathons. Fuck running.

Rearrange these letters to form words.
1) pneis
2) buttsxe
Did you get SPINE and SUBTEXT?
Yeah, neither did I.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynocologist have in common?
They both have to smell it, but neither gets to eat it.

We live in a time when people will lick a butt hole, but freak out when you double dip a chip.

No Ma'am.
A gang bang isn't proof you can work as part of a team.

What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette?
Your camera.

Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar. Where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"

My Thai girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship.
But I still wish she didn't have one.

How deep is the average vagina, actually?
Deep enough for a man to lose his house, his car, his dog and half of all his savings and assets.

I like my coffee how I like my women.
Without some other guys dick in it.

True happiness comes from snorting coke off a hooker's ass.

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

Now that it's getting warmer, I trimmed my chest hair. What? Come on. I can't be the only girl doing this.

Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it they will come?"

Please don't knock on my door to talk about God!
I don't knock on your door to talk about alcohol and fucking, do I?

INVITATION:
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm.
If you can't come let me know.

If the angle of the dangle is equal to the heat of the meat,
then the price of the rise, is decided by the art of the tart.

I told him to fuck me like a man.
So he put it in my ass and called me Jeff.

My girlfriend asked me to show more interest in her family.
So I fucked her sister.

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex. Sex. Sex. Free Sex Tonight."
I said, "Wow!"
Her friend said, "she means 666-3629."

So the chicken and the egg are in bed smoking a cig after having sex. The chicken leans over and says "I guess we answered that."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices the guy next to him trying to make eye contact with a group of women across the room.
The first guy says "You know, I could get any of those women if I wanted to."
The second guy replies, "What's your secret?"
The first guy smiles and says "I'm a rapist."

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

A guy walks into a crowded bar pointing and waving a gun around.
"All right, you bastards, Who the hell has been sleeping with my wife?" he shouts out.
A voice from the back replies "I don't think you brought enough ammo!"

Women love when you kiss their neck.
Just not when they're driving.
And you're in the backseat.
And they don't know you.

Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole.

He's either going to take me to the day spa or the jewelry store.
He said he couldn't decide if he wanted to give me a pearl necklace or a facial.

Someone needs to invent carfax for vaginas.
"I have only been with one guy."
"Yea sure, show me the whorefax."

If there's one thing you will not see at a masturbation addiction meeting it's people shaking hands.

Almost every hand you've ever shaken has had a dick in it.

You having a "shitty ass fucking day" is much different than a porn star having a "shitty ass fucking day."

Washing
Ironing
Fucking
Etc.

A lesson I learned in the hospital. When you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Always remember the 3 B's of keeping your man happy.
1. Blow Jobs
2. Boobs
3. Bacon

I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently the sign, "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different than I assumed.

The best part of having a prostitue die on you is that the second hour is free.

Recent studies say that masturbating 2x a week increases life epectancy by 20%.
I've done the math. I'm immortal.

Without nipples, boobs would be pointless.

Women can argue for 3 straight hours, but 2 minutes into a BJ and her jaw hurts.

Here's a quick test to see who has unconditional love for you.
Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car.
Go back in one hour and open the trunk.
See which one is happy to see you!

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.
Its when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

Australian Kiss: Just like a French Kiss but "down under".

Her: What does that porn star have that I don't?
Him: A fucking mute button for starters.

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words no man wants to hear: "Who was that?"

Whiskey
The night time sniffling, sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the bathroom floor medicine.

When 3 people have sex, it's called a threesome.
When 2 people have sex, it's called a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome.

Perks of being a woman:
They think about whatever they want in public without worrying about boners.


Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, has sued St. Paul's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight."


I was telling a woman about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then ... try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."


Things men know about women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Women have breasts.


Alcohol is bad for the legs.

A Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself.

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Woman: "No, they spread."


I went to the doctor's the other day.
I found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed.

But she said: "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, "I think my dick tastes funny."


Breaking News:

CBC reports:

Beginning in early spring of 2011 gas stations will start showing porn movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can watch someone else get screwed the same time that you do!


Two year old spits food on floor.

Wife: We don't spit! If it's in your mouth you swallow it!

Husband: Raises eyebrows.

Wife: You shut up!


A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy at the desk replies, "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."


My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.


So I was banging this married lady last night on her kitchen table when her husband came in the front door.

She said, "Quick, try the back door."

I should have run, but hey, you don't get an offer like that every day.


"I have outlived my dick."
- Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday.

Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
- Ellyn Mustard

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
- Tom Clancy

You know that look that women get when they want sex? Me neither.
- Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
- Steve Jobs

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never fogets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
- Barbara Bush

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
- Robert De Niro

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just giver her a house.
- Rod Stewart

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- George Burns


ALIEN WOMEN ARE INVADING EARTH

Female aliens are invading Earth and kidnapping men with big peckers.

You personally are not in any danger ­I just emailed you to say goodbye.


Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She ain't THAT ugly."


A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: "Well, that's great ... that's just great! ... some asshole's got my pen!"


Advice for an old guy

I was working out in the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing. I asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked me up and down and said try the ATM in the lobby."


Dinner Date Conversation

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu, shrimp cocktail, lobster, champagne. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said "Would you care for dessert?"


A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You promised you wouldn't cheat again!"

The husband replies, "For pity sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down."


I name my penis "Attention" because we all know how much women love fucking attention.


Porn Movie Idea: A conspiracy theorist is dragged into a world of secrets, lies, and sex. Title: "ILLUMINAUGHTY".


Whenever you're feeling sad masturbate, because every sad story deserves a happy ending.


Monogamy: A belief so strong that millions of people end perfectly good relationships in order to start another.


Behind every successful woman is a man who is looking at her ass.


An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."

The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"


An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to the room.

He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."


Two cowboys are talking over a beer and are discussing various sex positions. First, cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other cowboy asks what the position is and how to do it.

"Well, get your wife to get on the bed on all fours and do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway, she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear ... Your sister likes this position too."

"Then try and hang on for 8 SECONDS!"


A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room 221."


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's more embarrassing, having your mistress find out you're married, explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.


Sorry Dear I have a Headache

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said...........

"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository. It's up to you."


Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."


A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"


Teacher: Use "harassment" in a sentence.

Little Johnny: Her mouth said "no", but her ass meant "yes".


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.


A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replies: "Because I really miss mine".


A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."


If you think life is bad ... How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all ... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up...Your life ain't that bad!

Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay today!


Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, "What are you?"

He says, "I'm a Fireman."

"But you're only wearing a glass jar?", says the woman.

"Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"


A man walks up to a beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife somewhere in this supermarket. Can you talk to me for a few minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?"

"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."


The wife and I were watching television the other night.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said "For God's sake leave it on the porn channel."

"You already know how to fish."


Q: What's the difference between an 18 yr old girl and a washing machine?
A: When you dump a load in the washer, it doesn't follow you around for two months.

Q: Did you hear that ISIS is setting up a film production company?
A: It's called 7th century Fox.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and an attorney?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

Q: What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
A: Banned from the petting zoo.

Q: Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
A: There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning?

Q: What do a prostitute and a bowling ball have in common?
A: Both get picked up, fingered and then banged down an alley.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What's the definition of a diaphragm?
A: A trampoline for dickheads.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; because once you hit 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What do yuppies call oral sex?
A: Sixty-something.

Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is a joke like sex?
A: Neither is any fun if you don't get it.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: Why is a joke like a pussy?
A: Neither is any fun if you don't get it.

Q: Did you hear about the girl who didn't want her boy friend to swallow Viagra?
A: She begged him to just let it dissolve on his tongue.

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: What do you call the useless fatty tissue at the end of the penis?
A: A man.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.

Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q: What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.

Q: What's the biggest fish in the world?
A: A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q: What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A: Kermit's Finger

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.

Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last donut.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What are the three words men hate to hear most during sex?
A: "Are you in?"

Q: What three two letter words denote "small"?
A: "Is it in?"

Q: What are the three words women hate to hear most during sex?
A: "Honey, I'm home!"

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a goodyear.

Q: How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
A: Call her.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wet and wild, but when they go they take your house and car with them!!!

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blow Job?
A: Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blow job

Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: When your date chews before swallowing.

Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

Q: What would you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment?
A: Potpourri.

Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A: A crack in the ceiling.

Q: What do you call 10 lesbians in a tent?
A: Finger Hut.

Q: What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
A: Well-hung.

Q: What's another term for lesbian?
A: "Vagitarian."

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotapuss.

Q: What did the one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: "I'll be damned. We do taste like chicken."

Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian and an anteater?
A: Armadildo.

Q: What is the first symptom of aids?
A: A heavy pounding in the rectum.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A: His body.

Q: Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why did god put men on Earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for suck here.

Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a french kiss, but only down under.

Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them.

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: What do you call a prostitute that masturbates?
A: Self employed.

Q: Did you hear about the leper who made the painful mistake of jerking off?

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It is sex with someone they love.

Q: A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind."
A: The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."

Q: Did you hear about the man who got caught masturbating while on board a commercial airliner?
A: He was arrested for skyjacking.

Q: What do jello and a woman have in common?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them.

Q: What do women and condoms have in common?
A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters.

Q: What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A: A hard pecker.

Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boobies!

Q: What do you do if a pit bull mounts your leg?
A: Fake an orgasm.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why did god make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he's coming or going.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken there was a slut.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have enough time.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q: What do a near sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.

Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.

Q: On what day is a nymphomaniac forced to make the toughest decision of her life?
A: The day she meets a guy with a fourteen inch dick...and herpes.

Q: What do you call a hooker working the highway exits?
A: A tollhouse cookie.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.

Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash?
A: Some dick cut her off.

Q: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.

Q: What does a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
A: Whatever she wants... he's asleep.

Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q: What does Jack do when he's turned on?
A: Jack-off.

Q: What do you call a group of virgins covered with whipped cream?
A: A cherry pie.

Q: How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
A: It's not hard!

Q: What did the left ball say to the right ball?
A: Don't talk to the guy in the middle -- he's a dick.

Q: What do women and airplanes have in common?
A: Cockpits.

Q: What is the only bad thing about the 69 position?
A: The view.

Q: Why doesn't Popeye's dick get rusty?
A: Because he keeps it in Olive Oil.

Q: Why did the man wear a camoflauge condom?
A: Because he did not want his wife to see him cumming.

Q: How do you know you're really ugly?
A: The dog humping your leg has his eyes closed!

Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have a dick to carry them around in!

Q: Did you hear about the guy who made love to his refrigerator?
A: It was bone-chilling!

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: The one with the dirty knees.

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: Which is easier to filet: a fish or a fly?
A: A fly. Just one zip, and the bone flies out!

Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Q: What did one nut say to the other nut?
A: Why are we the ones hanging? Dick did the shooting.

Q: Why did the male orgasm pinch the female orgasm?
A: To make sure it was real.

Q: How do you recognize a male porn star at the gas station?
A: Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She choked.

Q: What do fat ladies and mopeds have in common?
A: Both are fun to ride on, till your friends catch you.

Q: What is the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a cheerleader?
A: She does a split and five school rings fall out.

Q: Why did the midget get kicked out of the nudist colony?
A: He kept getting into everyone's hair.

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of Pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.

Q: Why did the condom cross the road?
A: It got pissed off.

Q: What do you call a baby before it's born?
A: Daddy's little squirt.

Q: What do men consider safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: What does a Russian submarine and a fertility clinic have in common?
A: They're both full of floating seamen.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A: A 30-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
A: Enough to make a bone 8 inches long!

Q: Did you hear about the Hard-on Olympics?
A: Apparently, there's some stiff competition.

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Donuts.

Q: What do Stephen Hawking and Ricky Martin have in common?
A: They're both interested in black holes.

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.


Q: What happened to the woman when the two gay guys jumped her?
A: One held her down, while the other did her hair.

Q: Did you hear about the gay midget?
A: He came out of the cupboard.

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasaurass.

Q: What did one gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A: Speed bumps.

Q: Did you hear about the gay boxer?
A: He's got some fruit punch.

Q: What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?
A: A "flame-thrower."

Q: What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay?
A: She turned around and took it like a man.

Q: What were the names of the Irish gay couple?
A: Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

Q: What is the new gay internet address?
A: c : enter

Q: What is the healthiest thing to eat?
A: A gay guy in a coma, because he is a fruit and a vegetable.


Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A: Your last blow job....ever!

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears?
A: Her legs.

Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She sleeps with you two nights in a row.


Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 years, the job still sucks.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 10 years and 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Q: What is the difference between men and women.
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year.

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?
A: Your grip.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut screws everyone. A bitch screws everyone but you.

Q: What's the difference between a Spice Girls video and a porn video?
A: The porn video has better music.

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q: What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with...the other is used to carry groceries.

Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A: One is a snack cracker.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Q: What's the difference between John and Lorena Bobbitt?
A: She's crazy and he's just nuts.

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?
A: Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.

Q: What's the difference between driving in stormy weather and oral sex on a woman?
A: While driving in stormy weather you can't see the a**hole in front of you.

Q: What's the difference between a band of Pygmies and a girls' track team?
A: A band of Pygmies is a cunning bunch of runts.

Q: What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
A: The stiff in the coffin is going.

Q: What's the difference between a wife and Jell-O?
A: Jell-O moves when you eat it.

Q: What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers?
A: Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.

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