INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

Next time you order kale, try with a silent "K".
It tastes much better.

Friend: On average, how much do you spend on a bottle of wine?
Me: About a half an hour.

Bourbon is a vegetable. 51% corn by law.

Me: Is this the helpline for alcoholics?
Them: Yes. It is"
Me: So how do I make a mojito?

I poured root beer into a square glass. Now I just have beer.

Since men can identify as women Bud Light now identifies as Coors Light.
- RealDonKeith

Join the three day challenge.
No alcohol on the 29th, 30th and 31st of February.

A day without alcohol probably won't kill me ...
but why take the risk.

I keep trying to make protein shakes, but they keep coming out as margaritas.

Little known fact: Before the crowbar was invented.
Crow simply drank at home.

My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me
On a related note ... I suck at darts.

A negative person sees the glass of water half empty.
A positive person ses it as half full.
A realistic person pours out the water, adds two shots of whiskey , two cubes of ice, and says cheers.

I hate when people ask what I do for fun because ther is no classy way to say "binge drink."

Many people ask me why I drink so much whisky.
It's actually because I have a genetic condition whereby my body doesn't produce it's own alcohol.
Therefore I'm forced to take a supplement.

I've got salad for dinner.
Actually a fruit salad.
Well, mostly grapes.
OK. All grapes.
Fermented grapes.
Wine.
I've got wine for dinner.

Soccer ...
If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd take my friends out to a bar.

It's about time to break out the 25 piece patio set ... 1 chair and 24 beers.

I start the day with Cap'n Crunch and end the day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a pirate.

Beer is now cheaper than gas.
Drink, don't drive.

The Perfect Martini:
1) Pour the gin, vermouth, and olives into the trash where they belong.
2) Drink whiskey.

Liquor Store Assistant: Hey, do you need help?
Me: Yes, but I decided to come here instead.

Thank you, craft beer breweries, for making my drinking problem seem like a neat hobby.

Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth.

sign in window of liquor store:
In wine there is wisdom.
In beer there is strength.
In water there is bacteria.
You decide.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled "last call."

Finish your beer.
There are sober kids in India.

Life is not a fairy tale.
If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

The doctor said alcoholism is a disease.
The bartender said get your shots here.

If we start calling it 'potato juice' Vodka becomes a health drink.

Beer is the secret to catching fish.
Because in order to think like a fish you have to drink like a fish.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

There's nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.
Even if it's cold.
Over ice.
With a celery stalk.
And vodka.

The average person walks 913 miles per year and drinks 556 glasses (27.8 gallons) of wine per year.
That works out to 33 miles to the gallon, which is pretty good.

Drunk: It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how mamy times you get back up.
Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work.

There are better things in the world than alcohol, but alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.

Liquor Store Assistant, "Hey, do you need help?"
Customer, "Yes, but I decided to come here instead.

I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?"
I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet" and we all laughed and laughed.
Well, except for one guy.

Alcohol doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean ... against bars, chairs, tables, walls and random ugly people.

Put liquor in a bottle of cough syrup so you can take shots at work without anyone noticing. As a bonus, everyone will think you're sick, so they won't want to interact with you.

Sign in bar
Hiding from wife phone rates:
$1.00 Nope not here.
$2.00 Just missed him.
$3.00 Just had one drink and left.
$4.00 Hasn't been in all day.
$5.00 Never heard of him.

Not to get technical ... but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

When you said the dishwasher was loaded ... I thought you meant your mom was drunk.

I hate when people say you don't need alcohol to have fun.
You don't need running shoes to run, but it fucken helps.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Vodka costs less
Than a dinner for two.

Funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems like it's impossible, but 8 beers and 6 shots in 3 hours go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.

I make beer disappear. What's your super power?

There should be a margarita truck that plays Mariachi music as it drives around the neigborhood in the evening. And we would hear it and run out with our money and stand on the curb, waiting for it. Like an ice cream truck, but, you know, with margaritas.

A seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he's having.
The seal says, "anything but Canadian Club."

I finally stopped drinking for good.
Now I drink for evil.

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

Wine is not the answer.
Wine is the question.
"Yes" is the answer.

A whiskey, please.
Sir, this is McDonald's.
OK, a Mc Whiskey, please.

Moosehead: A great beer and a new experience for a moose.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.


Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
- Oscar Wilde

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
- W.C. Fields

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart

I gave up drinking once -- it was the worst afternoon of my entire life.
- Humphrey Bogart

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
- Stephen Wright

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
- Dave Howell

I drink to make other people interesting.
- George Jean Nathan

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
- Brian O'Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin

When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
- Al Capone


Smart Holiday Move

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends and family about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends (none of you, obviously) and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered."

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy


98% of people say 'Oh Shit' before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Pittsburgh and they say, 'Hold my beer and watch this.'


I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking...
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!

After today, NO MORE READING!!!


One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


Scientists in the United States have discovered that beer contains small amounts of the female hormone, estrogen. To prove their theory, the scientist served 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and they couldn't drive.


This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a woman wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."


Two Hydrogens walk into a bar.

The first one says, "Oh No, I lost an electron!"

The second one says, "Are you sure?"

The first one says, "Yeah, I'm positive."


A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself :

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my Legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they open!"


A blonde goes into a bar.

The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."

The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"

To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"


A Termite walks into the bar and says, "excuse me, is the bar tender here?"


A white horse walks into an English pub for a drink.

The barman says "Hey, I know a pub named after you !"

The horse replies "What !!!! Ted ???!!!"


A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "You know, we have a drink named after you here."

The grasshopper looks puzzled, and replies "You have a drink named Fred?"


So this mushroom walks into a bar and sits down.

The mushroom says, "Hey bartender! Can I get a drink?"

The bartender says, "Sorry man, we dont serve your kind around here."

The mushroom replies, "What man? I'm a FUN GUY!"


There were these two drunks walking down a railroad track. One of them exclaimed, "These long stairs sure get me down."

The other replied, "It's not the stairs that get to me, it's these low banisters."


Excerpted from the L.A. Times:

"Researchers at Harvard say drinking a lot of alcohol decreases a woman's chance of getting pregnant.

If these guys spent less time in the lab and more time in frat houses, they'd get a completely different picture."


A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."


A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."


A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

           ---------------------------------------
           |   Cheese Sandwich:   $1.50          |
           |   Chicken Sandwich:  $2.50          |
           |   Hand Job:         $10.00          |
           ---------------------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"


Winston Churchill was at a dinner party and one of his political opponents, Lady Astor, was arguing with him. She finally said: Sir, you are drunk"
he replied, "True, madam, and you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober".

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
- Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
- His reply


Q: What goes good with coconut vodka?
A: A young girl with low self esteem and questionable morals.

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.

Q: What's the difference between missionary style and doggie style?
A: About five drinks.

Q: Why do elephants drink?
A: To forget.

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a buck-fifty, and deer nuts are under a buck.


The Beer Prayer

Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk ( I will be drunk )
At home as if in tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage's
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not to incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager
For ever and ever....

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