INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

It's true. Facts don't lie.
Statistically you are more likely to be killed by Hillary Clinton than you are by an AR 15.

Bill Clinton recntly tried to cheer up Hillary by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected until after he served 27 years in prison.

Optimistic of Hillary to think she could influence an election when she isnít even in the two most influential people in her marriage.
- Dangerous Troll

How much must it suck to be Hillary?
She:
Hijacked her party
Stole the nomination
Used the DNC to launder money
Destroyed every shred of evidence against her
Financed a fake dossier
Promised everything for free
Still lost to someone she called incompetent
- Dangerous Troll

I have only one question following the release of the memo. Apart from anything attached to her husband, is there a single thing Hillary doesnít suck at?
- Dangerous Troll

Q: How do we know there is no significant White Male Privilege in the U.S. government?
A: Neither Hillary Clinton nor Loretta Lynch are in prison.

Mexican word of the day:
SHITHOLE
I asked Hillary whether she stole millions from Haiti, and SHITHOLE me Yes.

We gave Bernie a lesson in socialism.
We took votes he'd earned and redistributed them to Hillary.
- Debbie Wasserman Schultz, DNC Chairwoman

Want to get rid of Kim Jong Un? Just start a rumor that he has dirt on Hillary.

Stopping Hillary is a short-term solution. The long-term solution (and it will be more difficult) is fixing the educational system that has created so many people ignorant enought to vote for Hillary.
- Andy Borowitz

Hillary Clinton went to a Burger king and asked for two Whoppers. The clerk told her she was the the prettiest First Lady we ever had, and that she was the most honest person that ever walked the Earth.
Now those, are huge Whoppers!

Hillary Clinton:
I don't always sell out America, but when I do I make millions.
Stay ignorant my friends.
Hillary Clinton has a personal net worth of $45 million!
That's over 50 times as much as Bernie Sanders.
Which of course begs the question, how does one amass $45 million in a career spent mostly in "public service?"
Sounds more like self-service.

Hillary Clinton literally saved my life....
A few years ago I was in a terrible car accident and went into a coma for 6 months.
Doctors said I'd never walk again.
Then one day she came on the news, I woke up, walked over to the TV and turned it off.
It was truly a miracle.

Are you suffering from a terminal illness?
Do you need euthanasia?
Simply dial: 1-800-CALL-FBI and say you have evidence of a crime Hillary Clinton committed.
A professional euthanizer will arrive within minutes to assist you.

Hillary Clinton's new book should be titled:
50 Shades Of Blame.

Hillary Clinton's campaign was like watching Darth Vader give the "I Have A Dream" speech.
- Dave Chappelle

It Must Suck To Be Hillary!
To hijack your party, steal a nomination, turn DNC into a money laundromat, bury any evidence against you, finance fake dossier, swipe the debate questions, and promise free everything, and yet still lose to someone you call incompetent.

Donald Trump: Sacrificed his wealth for our country.
Hillary Clinton: Sacrificed our country for her wealth.

It took Hillary about 5 minutes to blame NRA for madman's rampage, but 5 days to sorta-kinda blame Harvey Weinstein for his sexually assaults.
- Kellyanne Conway

Hillary Clinton may teach at Columbia.
Twitter responses of the classes she is qualified to teach include:
How to get away with murder.
Intro to Bathroom Server Management.
Vast Right-Wing Conspiracies and You.
How to Blame Friends and Take Down Enemies.
Self Awareness and How To Live Without It.
The Basics in Bad Decisions: From Yoko Ono to Benghazi.
How to Preach About Income Inequality While Wearing a $12,000 Armani Jacket.
Deplorables 1965-Present.
Electoral College Alternatives.
Imitating Human Interaction 101.

Milo has something in common with Hillary Clinton after Haiti. "We both Love fu-king Blacks".

Hillary Clinton is like the O.J.Simpson of politics - she's still out there a year later looking for the "real killer" of her campaign.
- Jennifer Kerns

The reason you're still upset about the election is because you're weak and lack coping skills. Maybe your parents never said "no" to you. The issue is not Russians or emails or the Electoral college or misogyny. The issue is you. You didn't get your way and your mommy can't fix it for you so you're the child having a tantrum in the toy store.

I wish Hillary Clinton had married O.J. Simpson.

More people have been killed by Hillary Clinton than by sharks in the last 25 years.

Did you know...
1 out of 3 Hillary supporters are just as stupid as the other 2.

Voting for Hilary because she is a woman, is like drinking antifreeze because it looks like gatorade.

What do Hillary Clinton and Wonder Woman have in common?
Wonder Woman was never President either/
- Joe Dan Gorman

A woman voting for Hillary is like a chicken voting for The Colonel.

When Bill and Hillary got married he told her to never look in the box underneath their bed, no matter what.
Recently Hillary looked inside and found three empty beer cans and $58,300. At dinner that night she confessed to Bill that she had looked in the box and wanted to know why there were three empty beer cans in it.
Bill confessed that when he'd been unfaithful to her he would drink a beer and put the empty can in the box.
Hillary was hurt and grateful that he had only been unfaithful just three times. She then asked him what the $58,300 was for.
Bill told her that when the box got full of empty beer cans he cashed them in.

Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) was preparing a Clinton special if she won the election. Two fat thighs, two small breasts and a left wing.

Hillary dies and wakes up at the gates.
The gatekeeper says: "Hillary, we've been waiting for you."
Hillary: "Oh good, can I come in?"
Gatekeeper: "Not so fast. We know about you. You can only come in if you promise not to lie, cheat, steal, murder, back-stab and destroy. No conspiracies, no extra-judicial killings, no vindictive, hateful witch-hunts, no blaming others for your own faults and no cover-ups of sexual abuse. And no being a complete bitch."
Hillary: "Well, if they are the rules, I want to go to that other place instead."
Gatekeeper: "Wow, you are self-deluded. This is that other place."

Hillary and Obama supporters are like Christmas Lites.
Half of them don't work and the one's that do, aren't very bright.

You see a bridge collapse and Barack Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Hillary Clinton all fall into a river. You have time and resources to save only one of them, so what do you do?
Go for a jog or grab a sandwich?

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton.

Q: Why did Hillary run for president?
A: Because it's easier than running from the police.

Q: Do you know what the title of the childs book Chelsea Clinton is writing?
A: Sometimes daddy takes private planes to visit other little girls.

Heartless Hillary - Hamas Hillary - Hezbollah Hillary

Guns don't kill people, Clintons do.

So they rigged the elections, gave Hillary the debate answers, had dead people vote, tapped Trumps phones, and they still lost.

If you can't stand the heat, pass out and get carried into your van by your security detail.

Lawyers for Hillary Clinton today announced that they are initiating legal action against Satan for breach of contract.
They are demanding that he return the soul of Hillary Clinton who was promised the highest office in the land for her soul.
Satan's representative, George Soros, declared that the promise was made in New York City and that she will have to settle for mayor.
- The Peoples Cube

Remember when Russia forced Hillary to set up a private server in her home, rig the democratic election and then use BleachBit to violate a court order and then made her lie about it?
Russia's hacking abilities are so incredible!

I believe the Russians stole the election like I believe Hillary's husband did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.

If you say that Hillary Clinton lost because Russia hacked her emails, you're admitting that her only hope to win was to keep her corruption and dishonesty hidden from the American public.

You know there is somethig wrong with the Democratic Party when both American Feminists and Saudi misogynists are upset that Hillary Clinton lost the election.

Blaming the Russians for losing the election is like blaming the hotel room for getting caught with a prostitute.
- Rob Schneider

It's true. The Russians may have rigged the election by showing that the Democrats definitely rigged the election,
- Rob Schneider

Talk about your fake news @HillaryClinton ties her loss to Russian Hack and FBI letter. How about lying and stealing the primary from Bernie.
- Rob Schneider

While the Democratic Party doesn't lack diversity, it does lack graciousness, humility and now control of Congress and the White House.
- Rob Schneider

I haven't seen Democrats this angry since we gave women the vote!
- Rob Schneider

I haven't seen the Democrats this mad since we freed the slaves! - Rob Schneider

The only thing Hillary Clinton likes more than clamping down on free speech is scissoring.
- Milo

L.A. has come up with a safe space for people that voted for Trump... theyíre calling it Texas.
- Tim Allen

Hillary Clinton:
Got busted for rigging the primary.
Told coal miners she was going to put coal companies out of business.
Endangered national security and lied shamelessly about it.
Called half the country deplorable.
And the media is still like: HOW'D SHE LOSE?

Hillary is the perfect example of modern feminism.
She under performed, took too many sick days, expected the white knights in the media to do the work for her, then lost the "promotion" to a white male who plainly worked a lot harder for it.
Now she is blaming everyone else for her failure.

With the election coming close, I trust Bill Clinton the most.
He always picked someone other than Hillary, so I will too.

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a really cheap prostitute?
While they both would fuck the entire country for a few million dollars, at least we might have a chance of recovering from the prostitute.

Voting for Hillary Clinton because she's a woman is like eating shit beause it looks like chocolate.

Q: Why is Hillary Clinton running for president?
A: Because it's easier than running from law enforcement.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym?
A: An acronym stands for something.

Hillory Clinton lost last time to the first African American President, Barack Obama.
Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.

Q: Why would an upright vacuum cleaner with no wheels make a better president than Hillary Clinton?
A: Well, they both suck and have trouble moving forward, but at least the vacuum has a handle on it.

I was asked by my doctor if mental illness ran in the family.
I told him I have an aunt who voted for Hillary Clinton.

Bill Clinton said "Hilary is clearly the best choice for president."
He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.

Hillary Clinton on a recent tour through a hospital physical rehabilitation lab came across a young woman suffering from cerebral palsy. Mrs. Clinton asked if she could count on her vote. Taking a deep labored breath the young woman replied, I am severely physically handicapped... not retarded.

Obama played the race card, Hillary played the woman card, and America played the Trump card.


Lesson

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand.

Hillary asks, "What is your name?"

Kenny," he replies.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says.
"First - what happened in Benghazi?
Second - why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
Third - what happened... to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary says, "We will continue after recess."

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different boy - little Johnny - puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks, "What is your name?"

"Johnny," he says.

"What is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.
"First - what happened in Benghazi?
Second - why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
Third - whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 21 minutes early?
And, fifth - where's Kenny?"


If Hillary Clinton goes to prison, does that mean Bill Clinton will be free to rape date other women?

Clinton supporters claim Trump is going to destroy America as they go out and destroy America.

The first thing Hillary Clinton said after learning she lost the election.
Satan, why have you forsaken me?

Hillary Clinton complaining to Satan after losing the election. "You said I would win."
Satan replied. "You said you had a soul."

Hillary Clinton, deleter of the free world.

Hillary sucks, but not like Monica.

On the October 29, 2016 weekend in Chicago, the Democratic controlled city with the toughest gun control laws in the entire United States, the gun violence for the weekend was 17 dead, 41 wounded. All performed by criminals who broke the law to possess weapons.
Vote for Hillary Clinton because if you like your violnce, you can keep your violence.

Q: Did you hear the FBI are reopening the criminal case against Hillary Clinton?
A: Evidently the FBI bungled their first coverup and are going back to do it right this time.
- Cynical Pessimist

Q: Have you heard about Hillary Clinton's new book?
A: Everyone I Don't Like Mysteriously Dies, The Corrupt Politician's Guide to Rigging an Election.

If Hillary Clinton doesn't win the election and Donald Trump doesn't have her tried for her crimes, she would have a bright future in criminal defense. She has proved competent at destroying evidence, subverting law enforcement and generally avoiding prosecution for the many crimes she has committed.
At the very least, she could become a spokesperson for BleachBit for erasing digital evidence of crimes.
- Cynical Pessimist

Trump and Hitler actually both drank water. Literally frightening that people will vote for Trump. So dangerous.

In a recent interview, Putin was quoted as saying that if he wanted to influence American politics, he would just have donated to the Clinton Foundation.

Recent polls show that 12 out of every 10 Democratic voters prefer Clinton.

You might be a liberal if you believe Hillary Clinton wants the second amendent repealed to protect the children, but she wants an amendment that guarantees the right of the mothers to have late term abortions, to protect the babies.

At The Presidential Candidate Roast
One day Hillary Clinton was walking down a hallway and bumped into Donald Trump. She said, "Pardon me."
He said, "Let me talk to you about that after I get into office.."

At The Presidential Candidate Roast
Everyone knows, of course, Hillary Clintonís belief that it takes a village.
Which only makes sense after all in places like Haiti, where sheís taken a number of them.

At The Presidential Candidate Roast
Hillary Clinton has been in Washington a long time. She knows a lot about how government works.
And according to her sworn testimony Hillary Clinton has forgotten more things than most of us will ever, ever, ever know.

At The Presidential Candidate Roast
Hillary Clinton believes that itís vital to deceive the people by having one public policy and a totally different policy in private.
For example, here she is tonight, in public, pretending not to hate Catholics.

Hillary Clinton supports gay rights.
She supports their right to be thrown off of buildings in Muslim countries.
- Cynical Pessimist

I wouldn't mind Hillary Clinton being elected president.
At least the nuclear launch codes would get deleted.

The frontman for Third Eye Blind has announced he's endorsing Hillary Clinton, and changing the band's name to All Eyes Blind.

If Hillary Clinton gets elected as president, I'm killing myself,
with two shots to the back of my head.

If Hillary Clinton gets elected she will be our first "F" president.
The reason I don't say "female" is because someone deleted the "emale."

Hillary Clinton believes:
Blacks are super predators
Hispanics are taco bowls
Donald Trump Supporters are deplorables
Bernie Sanders supporters are basement dwellers
Since Hillary Clinton is all about inclusion, don't worry. There is still time for her to insult your race or religion.

Who do you want for President?
Make America Great Again - Donald Trump
Keep America Sick, Miserable, And Collapsing - Hillary Clinton
The choice is obvious.

Interview With A Hillary Clinton Supporter.
I'm voting for the candidate who got people killed in Benghazi, covered up sexual assaults by her husband and threatened nation security with her illegal use of an unsecure private email server because the other one said mean things.

When Hillary Clinton stood by her pervert claiming that she believed Bill Clinton rather than Monica Lewinsky, Hillary Clinton proved she is too stupid to be president.

If Hillary Clinton can't handle Trump in a safe area, how can we have faith in her ability to handle world leaders and the like?

As if you need any more reason to fear Hillary Clinton.
She says appointng Obama to the Supreme Court would be a "good idea."

The Clintons are like herpes: Just when you think theyíre gone, they show up again.
- Tim Allen

There are two major reasons why radical Muslim terrorists have been allowed to grow into the biggest threat to world security today...
Barack Hussein Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton.

The Hillary Clinton plan for the presidency:
1. Don't Be Trump.
2. ????
3. Solicit Donations To Clinton Foundation.

As a writer, I've recently been learning about the unreliable narrator.
Because I've also been following the recent presidential election coverage I've been trying to decide who makes a better unreliable narrator for my next novel, a journalist or a politician.
So far I've been unable to catch the main stream media or Hillary Clinton telling the truth.
- Cynical Pessimist

Because of her recent alergic reaction, or normal cough, or dehydration, or fainting spell in a sweltering 77 degree heat wave, or flu or whatever other story the Klinton Krime Kartel and the mainstream media concoct every time their story is contradicted by the evidence, Hillary's on staff nurse, Typhoid Mary held a press conference to categorically state that the science is settled and that Hillary has no communicable diseases.
- Cynical Pessimist

Since Donald Trump released his medical records, Hillary Clinton's medical team decided they needed to hold a press conference. Dr. Viktor Frankenstein and Miracle Max stated, "There is nothing wrong with Hillary Clinton that we can't fix."
- Cynical Pessimist

Q: Have you seen the new Hillary condom?
A: It's designed to give you a sense of security while you're getting screwed.

Hillary Clinton, after calling half of all Donald Trump supporters "basket of deplorables" claimed she never said that. She explained that she had a headache and couldn't remember, and if she did say that you misheard what she said because she didn't intend for it to be offensive.

Hillary Clinton is calling half of all Donald Trump supporters a "basket of deplorables."
If they are, then Hillary Clinton and ALL of her supporters are a "basket of deplorables."

To paraphrase the Clinton News Network when talking about Trump.
Not all Hillary Clinton supporters are criminals, liars, socialists, but they still support one.

Paul Thugman of the New York Slimes decided it was his "moral duty" to defend HiLIARy Rotten Clinton. He believes that in spite of Barack Hussein Obama, the Department of Injustice and the Feeble Bureaucratic Incompetents (FBI) (among other government agencies) working hand in bribed deep pocket with the mass media to downplay her crime spree some of the truth is leaking out and the crimelord of the Clinton Family Foundation has had to crawl back under the rock she slithered out from. Paul Thugman believes that if the press isn't proclaiming HiLIARy Rotten Clinton is the daughter of God, then they don't deserve the bribe money they have been promised.
- Cynical Pessimist

Hillary Clinton recently held a press conference to claim Donald Trump is a racist.
To prove her support for diversity, she stood in front of an ISIS flag, and had suicide bombers and other Muslim terrorists stand besider her.
- Cynical Pessimist

Hillary Clinton claims she supports the working class. By only accepting money from the superwealthy, she is not taking money from the people who can least afford it.
- Cynical Pessimist

Seddique Mateen, the father of Islamic Terrorist Omar Mateen who slaughtered 49 gays and injured 50 others in an Orlano nightclub is supporting Hillary Clinton.
In order to confirm support from their voters, Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party will be giving out beheading swords, suicide bomber vests and automatic weapons to anyone who votes for Hillary two or more times.
- Cynical Pessimist

Hillary Clinton
Why can you people not understand?
The medical problems I don't have are the reason I can't remember the criminal acts I didn't commit.

Reasons to vote for Donald Trump for president.
The following celebrities have promised to leave the country if he is elected.
1. Miley Cyrus
2. Whoopi Goldberg
3. Samuel L. Jackson
4. George Lopez
5. Al Sharpton
6. Jon Stewart
7. Eddie Griffin
8. Cher
9. Raven Symonť
10. Rosie O'Donnell
11. Neve Campbell
12. Omari Hardwick
13. Lena Dunham
14. Natasha Lyonne
15. Spike Lee
16. Chloe Sevigny
17. Chelsea Handler
18. Amy Schumer
19. Barbara Streisand
20. Brian Cranston

The following Hollywood hypocrites celebrities have promised to have a nervous breakdown if Donald Trump is elected President.
1. Adam McKay
2. Judd Apatow
3. Ron Howard
4. Rob Reiner
5. Kevin McCormick
6. Norman Lear
7. Stevie Wonder
8. Jon Bon Jovi
9. Jay Z.
10. Christina Aguilera

Hillary Clinton Roast (Actually these were all said about Ann Coulter, but as you can see, they are just as funny when you replace Ann Coulter with Hillary Clinton)
Hillary Clinton is a racist cunt. - Pete Davidson, SNL comedian.
If you are here, Hillary Clinton, who is scaring the crows away from our crops? - Pete Davidson, SNL comedian.
Hillary Clinton and no black people? What are we roasting? A cross? - Pete Davidson, SNL comedian.
Hillary Clinton is one of most repugnant, hateful, hatchet-face bitches alive. - Jimmy Carr
Itís not too late to change, Hillary Clinton. You could kill yourself! - Jimmy Carr
Hillary Clinton, youíre awful. The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave. - Nikki Glaser, Comedian
She seems stiff and conservative, but Hillary Clinton gets wild in the sheets. Just ask the Klan. - David Spade, Comedian
Hillary Clinton hopes the Republicans can hold onto the House so she can still haunt it. - David Spade, Comedian
It looks like sheís having a good time. I havenít seen her laugh this hard since Trayvon Martin got shot. - David Spade, Comedian
I just realized that Iím not the only athlete up here tonight. As you all know, earlier this year Hillary Clinton won the Kentucky Derby. - Peyton Manning, Former NFL quarterback
Hillary Clinton wants to help make America great again. She can start by wearing a burka. You have a face that would make doves cry. That voice, it's like fingernails on a chalkboard in an inner-city school you wanna defund. - Jeff Ross, Comedian
Everyone is asking, why is Hillary Clinton here tonight? Because the right-to-lifers wanted everyone to see what abortion looks like up close. - Rob Lowe
Jeff Ross is going to party like itís 1999. Hillary Clinton is going to vote like itís 1899. - Jewel
I do want to say as a feminist that I canít support everything thatís been said tonight. But as someone who hates Hillary Clinton, Iím delighted. - Jewel
God, itís white up here. Itís the only way we could get Hillary Clinton, though. - Nikki Glaser
If Hillary Clinton is here, someone must have said her name three times. Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! - Rob Riggle

Hillary for prosecution, not for president.

Hillary Clinton treats the truth the same way Bill Clinton treats female interns.

The four biggest reasons NOT to vote for Hillary Clinton:
Ambassador Chris Stevens
DiplomatSean Smith
Retired Navy Seal Tyrone Woods
Retired Navy Seal Glen Doherty

Clinton Crime Cartel

Klinton Krime Kartel

Hillary for Leavenworth 2016

Hillary Clinton makes history: 1st person to win nomination after losing $6 billion, confidence of the FBI chief, 30,000 emails and an ambassador.

Hillary Clinton is getting sick and tired of being accused of all the things she has done.

Hillary Clinton claims Donald Trump can't even handle the rough and tumble of a presidential campaign when he crushed 16 of the most powerful republicans in the country. Yet Hillary Clinton had to cheat to finish off a 74 year old communist.

You know there is something wrong with liberals when they are more worried about 50 repeated words from a possible first lady than 30,000 deleted classified emails from a presidential candidate.

I'm Hillary Clinton.
I'm filthy rich.
I'm white.
I'm nominally Christian.
I get hugh donations from big corporation.
I voted for the Iraq War.
I am everything liberals hate, and yet I am the one they want.
If that's not mental illness, what is?

Better to remain Bernie or Bust and be thought a fool than to vote Clinton and remove all doubt.

Q: What is the number one reason that Hillary Clinton wants to become president?
A: Bill Clinton can spend more time with their female interns and less time with her.

How do you lie to the FBI and now you're running for president?
- Donald Trump

Saying one should vote for Hillary because it's time a woman held the office is like saying, "yeah, I'm voting for tits and pussy this time"

The chair of the DNC resigns because she was caught lying and cheating and slandering minorities.
She was immediately hired by Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton has a new slogan:
I may be a pathological liar and a sociopath, but its time for a female in the White House.
- Cynical Pessimist

Hillary Clinton has a new slogan:
I have caused the deaths of more Americans the Edward Kennedy.
- Cynical Pessimist

Hillary Clinton has a new slogan.
You voted for a dick for the last two elections, now it's time to vote for tits and pussy.

Hillary Clinton has a new slogan.
You voted for a dick for the last two elections, now it's time to vote for a cunt.

Hillary Clinton has a new slogan.
I've insulted you, cheated you and lied to you. What other reason do you need to vote for me.

Hillary Clinton has a new slogan.
If you would stop asking, I could stop lying.

Hillary Clinton's new slogan:
I will do for women what Barack Hussein Obama did for blacks.
- Cynical Pessimist

Hillary Clinton has a new slogan:
Silly Americans. Laws are for poor people.

Hillary made history by being the first presidential candidate to get caught rigging a primary while being tied to 4 separate federal investigations ...
She busted right through the glass ceiling on that shit.


Hillary Clinton has been working to insure she doesn't lose her core demographics. She refused to have the American flag at the convention.

For the second night of the convention she had mothers of thugs who were killed committing crimes speak. To make sure that her followers understood her nuanced position, afterwards she led the crowd in chanting, "Black Lives Matter," "What do we want? Dead Cops. When do we want them? Now!," and "Pigs in a blanket, fry them like bacon."

When she and her advisors looked at the poll numbers the following day, they were stunned to discover that her popularity was sliding with law abiding citizens who have jobs and work to support their families.

- Cynical Pessimist


Hillary Clinton has been working to insure she doesn't lose her core demographics. She refused to have the American flag at the convention. For the first night of the convention, she managed to find 61 speakers who were able to ignore the threat of radical Islam and ignore the beheading of a 86-year-old priest.

Is it any wonder that she is supported by more Islamic terrorists than any other American politician? They even call her Jihadi Jill.

- Cynical Pessimist


Hillary Clinton recently said, "I often feel like there's the Hillary standard and then there's the standard for everybody else."
Maybe it's time for her to have a new theme song. I suggest, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
- Cynical Pessimist

The next time you are caught committing a crime, just use the Hillary Clinton Defense. I didn't intend to commit the crime. I was simply careless.
No reasonable prosecutor would bring such a case.

Bernie Sanders endorsing Crooked Hillary Clinton is like Occupy Wall Street endorsing Goldman Sachs.
- Donald Trump

Q: Did you hear about Hillary Clinton when she ran over a toddler?
A: The Department of Justice declined to prosecute because she was just being careless and didn't intend any harm.

KKKillary KKKlinton. Because White oppressors matter.

Stop saying Hillary Clinton is qualified because she has years of experience. She has been shitty at her job for 30 years. That kind of "experience" is worthless.

Hillary Clinton has just made history as the most corrupt candidate ever!

The next time someone asks you what Hillary Clinton has done for America, you can answer in just three wordsl
Made it worse.

Hillary Clinton says she will fight for your family. Just ask the Benghazi families what that promise was worth.

How long did it take your staff of 823 people to think that up--and where are you 33,000 emails that you deleted?
- Donald Trump

A vote for Hillary Clinton means you want her to do the country what Bill Clinton did to his female interns.
- Cynical Pessimist

Things I trust more than Hillary Clinton:
The boy who cried wolf, Mexican Tap Water, a Rattlesnake With A "Pet Me" Sign, An Elevator Ride with Ray Rice, Bill Cosby As A Bartender, Gas Station Sushi, A Jimmy Carter Economic Plan, Brian Williams News Reports, Emails From A Nigerian Princess, a bigfoot sighting, Loch Ness monster sightings, a Palestinian wit a suicide bomber vest shouting "Allahu Akbar," and A Prostate Exam From Captain Hook.

Barack Hussein Obama put America in the toilet.
Vote for Hillary Clinton and she will flush it.

As you know, Hillary Clinton had a concussion and a blood clot in her skull.
As they were walking out of the hospital, a reporter asked Bill "how's Hillary's head?"
He replied, "well, she's no Monica."

Hillary Clinton has been climbing the ladder to try and get power, here now she is trying for the White House. She's probably more qualified for the Big House, honestly. She's escaped prosecution more times than El Chapo. Perhaps Sean Penn should interview her. She thinks racking up frequent flyer miles is an accomplishment, not an activity.
- Carly Fiorina

Hillary Clinton had her own email server because handling 2 email accounts was too difficult for her.
That proves she will be unable to handle the duties of the president.

If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?

Monica Lewinsky released a statement on Hillary Clinton's run for president.
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth."


Now that Barack Hussein Obama and his Department of Injustice have covered up her high crimes and misdemeanors, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan.

Elect Hillary Clinton so that Donald Trump won't prosecute me for the crimes that Barack Hussein Obama covered up for me.

- Cynical Pessimist


Barack Hussein Obama recently proclaimed that Hillary Clinton is the most qualified unindicted Democrat to ever run for the Presidency.

- Cynical Pessimist


An American student was murdered by Palestinian Terrorists in Israel to celebrate the visit by terrorist supporter American Vice President Joe Biden.

While on the campaign trail, Presidential contender Hillary Clinton took time out from her busy scheduled to console the grieving relatives by first proclaiming that this death was caused by a YouTube video, and later saying, "What difference, at this point, what difference does it make?"

- Cynical Pessimist


In 2008 and 2012 the Democrats claimed that electing Barack Hussein Obama as president of the United States proved that America is racist.

Now they want you to vote for Hillary Clinton to prove that America is misogynistic.

- Cynical Pessimist


Hillary Clinton claims that voter identification laws will disenfranchise older people, blacks and other minorities.

It is a lie that she cares about those people. If she cared about them she wouldn't require IDs to attend any of her rallies.

I don't know if asking for voter IDs will prevent any legal citizens from voting (however, I doubt that many will be prevented from voting), I do know that voter IDs will prevent the Democratic core demograhic from voting; foreigners, dead people, cartoon and other fictional characters.

- Cynical Pessimist


The Democratic Primary front runners, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are a Hollywood Liberal's wet dream and deserve their own movie. Unfortunately Dumb and Dumber was already taken. Another problem is that nobody can figure out which one is dumber.
- Cynical Pessimist

Hillary Clinton recently stated that "I've always tried to tell the truth, except when I lie."
- Cynical Pessimist

You must elect Hillary Clinton as the President of the United States because she will fight for womens rights. Unless the women are attacked by Boko Haram or any other Muslim organization that she refuses to recognize as terrorist or any women attacked by her husband.
- Cynical Pessimist

We need to elect Hillary Clinton as the President of the United States so she can pardon herself for her numerous crimes against the people of the United States.
- Cynical Pessimist


The New York Times, in an unbiased effort to support the wildly unpopular presidental campaign of the spouse of the serial predator Bill Clinton, has proclaimed that the dishonest, lawless, corrupt and incompetent Hillary Clinton has much more experience in foreign policy than Bernie Sanders.

I agree.

Hillary Clinton has more experienced than Bernie Sanders.
- in allowing Americans to die while on her watch.
- in covering up a foreign threat to protect the Barack Hussein Obama narrative that the war on terrorism has been won.
- in lying to the American people so that the deaths of Americans wouldn't interrupt Barack Hussein Obama's campaign for reelection to the Presidentof the United States.

Yes, Hillary Clinton has more experience than Bernie Sanders. However, I'm not sure that is the kind of experience we want in a president.

- Cynical Pessimist


Hillary Clinton promises that when she becomes president, she won't tax the middle class.

Analysts have stated that this is one promise she won't be able to break because if she continues supporting Barack Hussein Obama's economic plan there won't be any middle class left to tax.

- Cynical Pessimist


Hillary Clinton mocked Bernie Sanders recently for taking money from the voters for his presidential campaign. She made it clear that she will only take money from the wealthy special interest groups but won't inhale let that influence any of her decisions.

After all, when you give someone money, you never expect anything in return.

- Cynical Pessimist


At a recent press conference, White House spokesman Josh Earnest reported that Democrats are not interested in reading Hillary's emails.

Later that same day, spokesmen for Russia, China, North Korea, Cuba and al-Qaeda held a joint press conference announcing their support for Hillary Clinton for President and stating how happy they have been reading her email and how they look forward to reading her email for the next eight years.

- Cynical Pessimist


I voted twice for Barack Hussein Obama, a marxist Muslim who hates America, to prove I'm not racist.

I now have no choice about who to vote for in the 2016 election to maintain my progressive liberal bonafides.

To prove I am not a sexist, I will need to vote for Hillary Clinton, even after she is indicted for federal crimes, to prove that a bribe taking law breaking, progressive liberal who hates America is more deserving of the presidency that any Republican who cares about America and the safety of the American people.

- Cynical Pessimist


On the Jimmy Fallon show Hillary Clinton proudly announced the endorsements she received from Planned Parenthood (for aborting black fetuses), Brady Campaign (for efforts on repealing the second amendment), ISIS (for supporting the fraud that Islam is a religion of peace) and Bill Ayers (for supporting the subversion of everything America used to stand for-like freedom).

- Cynical Pessimist


When Hillary Clinton spoke at the Brown and Black Forum she stated she is more concerned about threats of violence from white terrorists than ISIS.

I suspect anyone married to Bill Clinton would feel the same way.

- Cynical Pessimist


Hillary Clinton is doing her best to prove she is more of a lying scumbag than Barack Hussein Obama.

She claims that she is fighting inequality in pay for women by paying women staffers less than her male staffers.

She claims that she is fighting rape culture by believing every false claim of rape while ignoring the charges and demonizing the women who were assaulted and raped by her husband, Bill Clinton.

She claims that she is protected Americans by ignoring the more than 600 emails she received from Ambassador Stevens requesting additional security, not objecting to the order to stand down when Americans could have stepped in and saved the lives of the Ambassador and instead surfed the internet looking for videos to blame for the slaughter of Americans.

Yup. That is the kind of hope and change we need after Barack Hussein Obama.

- Cynical Pessimist


Hillary Clinton was recently asked if Bill Clinton would be helpful.

She replied, "Bill Clinton has experience with interviewing and managing female interns."

- Cynical Pessimist


Hillary Clinton took time out from her busy schedule of lying about supporting womens rights (believe all rape accusations unless they are against Bill Clinton), claiming she never conducted any business as the Secretary of State (she never sent or received anything of any importance in her email), claiming to be tough on crime (unless it is herself breaking Federal law by by maintaining her own private email server in an unsecure location) and the myriad of other lies she spouts to get elected, to support terrorists rights to slaughter American citizens.

Yup.

But don't worry. Even if a terrorist was dumb enough to obey the Gun-Free zones that Hillary wants, they can still bring their stabbing knives, beheading swords, pressure cooker bombs and every other killing device known to man. After all, Hillary is so busy that she probably won't have time to put up Suicide-Bomber Free Zone, Beheading-Free Zone, or Murder Infidel Pigs-Free Zone signs.

Fortuantely for her, even if she does outlaw all killing devices, thus making the rest of the country a target rich environment for the terrorists, she will still have her personal armed bodyguards to protect her.

- Cynical Pessimist


ISIS and other Syrian immigrants along with illegal aliens will be voting for Hillary Clinton. Shouldn't you?

- Cynical Pessimist


I was recently asked how has Hillary made life better for people in general or women in particular.

By lying to the public about a YouTube video being the cause of death of four Americans in Benghazi and still being the Democratic presidental candidate Hillary has proved that Democratic women have equality with Democratic men in their ability to dodge responsibility for their actions.

By breaking the Federal Espionage Act among others, Hillary has proved that high level Democratic women have equality with Democratic men in their ability to evade punishment for their crimes.

By accepting large contributions from 3rd world dictators of countries where women are treated like 3rd class citizens Hillary has proved that Democratic women have equality with Demoratic men when it comes to pretending to support womens rights while supporting those who don't believe in womens rights.

By paying her female staffers less than her male staffers, Hillary has proved that Democratic women have equalty with Democratic men in oppressing women and not being held accountable for her actions.

By staying with and supporting a husband who continually has sex with other women, Hillary has proved that being a doormat for man doesn't stop her from being considered a example for women to emulate.

- Cynical Pessimist


Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, both old white people, have stated that they will provide the country with young fresh ideas. All you have to do is ignore the fact that when you add their ages together you get a figure that is larger than the age of the United States of America.

- Cynical Pessimist


Vote for Hillary Clinton.

Put the cunt in Country.

- Cynical Pessimist


In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month and to show her support for women's issues, the Hillary Clinton campaign is offering a free breast examination to any female that contributes to her campaign. The breast examination will be performed by Bill Clinton who has extensive breast examination experience due to his long years in political office.

- Cynical Pessimist


In a recent press conference, Barack Hussein Obama said he didn't know that Hillary Clinton was using a home server for email while she was Secretary of State because he didn't see it mentioned in the morning paper.

I don't know whether to be impressed that Hillary Clinton held the office of Secretary of State for years and NEVER sent Barack Hussein Obama an email, or appalled that Barack Hussein Obama paid so little attention to his emails that he NEVER noticed that she was breaking a federal law by not using an official secure government email address.

- Cynical Pessimist


Hillary Clinton, exasperated because the normally left wing mass media refused to cover up for her most recent criminal activity of using a private server for top secret email, has finally come up with an excuse that she thinks will finally put the issue to rest.

The server, which was stored in a bathroom closet, was wiped because it is normal to wipe before leaving the bathroom.

- Cynical Pessimist


Hillary Clinton, spinning Bill Clinton's "I never inhaled", is now claiming that she couldn't be breaking the Federal Law relating to national security because she never looked at any of the email messages or did anything substantive while she was the Secretary of State.

- Cynical Pessimist


Brian Williams, the news anchor who was suspended for six months for lying about his accomplishments, may still have a future at NBC News, an organization that apparently believes that it will be useful to have a news reader who is comfortable lying to their audience.

However, the Democratic National Committee thinks that anyone who can lie that convincingly to the public about their accomplishments, would make a good running mate for Hillary Clinton who also spends a large part of her time lying to the public about her accomplishments.

- Cynical Pessimist


In recent news, a left-wing environmental scientist claimed that 5% of the population has wi-fi sensitivity and it is making them sick.

In response, a right-wing environmental scientist claimed that 10% of the population has lying sensitivity and that listening to Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama is making them sick.

- Cynical Pessimist


At a recent press conference, Bill and Hillary Clinton were asked how they were bringing minority voters to their campaign.

Bill Clinton explained he is bringing in the philandering husband vote because of his relationships with Monica Lewinsky and other women while remaing married to Hillary Clinton.

Bill Clinton explained he is bringing in the pedophile vote because of his frequent flyer mileage on the Lolta Epress with pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

Bill Clinton explained he is bringing in influence peddlers because of the Clinton Foundation accepting donations from pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

As a bonus, Bill is bringing in women and LGBT hypocrites (although it is difficult to call a liberal a hyypocrite because you must be irrational at best, or insane at worst to support the liberal platform) because the Clinton Foundation is accepting millions of dollars from nations that routinely kill LGBT and sell females as young as five years old to become wifes.

Hillary Clinton, not to be outdone by Bill, proclaimed that she supports same sex marriage. When reporters her asked to explain her position on same sex marriage, she said, "I prefer to be on top."

- Cynical Pessimist


Hookers for Hillary, a group of prostitutes at the Nevada Moonlite Bunny Ranch, released a campaign video for the former First Lady.

Bill Clinton, while not in the video, spent the weekend at the brothel looking for an intern who knows how to do laundry in addition knowing when to open her mouth and when to keep it closed.

- Cynical Pessimist


Recent polls show that all republican candidates rank higher than Hillary Clinton. In a recent press conference Hillary Clinton said, "I don't know why people think I am dishonest just because I lie to them all the time."

- Cynical Pessimist


Did you hear about Hillary Clinton's most recent press conference to answer questions about her email?

Every time someone asked her a questions, she stood up, threw her hands over her head, and shouted, "Hands up. Don't Shoot. I can't breathe."

At the end of her press conference, she thanked the reporters for their insightful questions and hoped that her answers would finally stop the conservative media circus and their persecution of a truthful hardworking politician who might have made a few honest mistakes.

- Cynical Pessimist


When questioned about her illegal use of a non-government email address, Hillary Clinton responded by saying, "I never used my email account to communicate with any members of any government, foreign or domestic, so there was never any chance of leaking private information."

Hillary continued, "When I reviewed my emails prior to deleting the incriminating ones, I found a message from Ambassador Stevens in my spam folder. I'm sure the next of kin of Ambassador Stevens understand that accidents happen. I apologized to them and to the American people and categorically state that will never happen again."

When asked about the security on her server, Hillary Clinton responded, "My server is protected by the Wicked Witch of the West and her army of flying monkeys so it just was not possible that my server was hacked."

In conclusion, she said, "Since I have never lied about anything, not even the death of Ambassador Stevens being caused by a YouTube video, that you can trust me when I say I turned over all the relevant messages to the lame-ass brain dead member's of congress."

- Cynical Pessimist


Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media is really tearing you apart for That Scandal."
Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to hide my activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
Trump: "No the other one."
Hillary: "The funding of neoNazis in the Ukraine that led to the toppling of the democratically elected president and to the biggest crisis that country has had since WWII ?"
Trump: "No the other one."
Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one."
Hillary: "Being the mastermind of the so-called ďArab SpringĒ that only brought chaos, death and destruction to the Middle East and North Africa."
Trump: "No the other one."
Hillary: "Leaving four Americans to die in Benghazi and go to sleep?"
Trump: "No the other one."
Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one."
Hillary: "The funding and arming of terrorists in Syria, the destruction and destabilization of that nation, giving the order to our lapdogs in Turkey and Saudi Arabia to give sarin gas to the "moderate" terrorists in Syria that they eventually used on civilians, and framed Assad, and had it not been for the Russians and Putin, we would have used that as a pretext to invade Syria, put a puppet in power, steal their natural resources, and leave that country in total chaos, just like we did with Libya?"
Trump: "No the other one."
Hillary: "The creation of the biggest refugees crisis since WWII?"
Trump: "No the other one."
Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet?"
Trump: "No, the other one."
Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware, when Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one."

- Laurence Pinney

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