INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

Q: How did bill and Hillary meet?
A: They both had a date with the same woman!

Bill Clinton was jogging one day,and an angry citizen threw a beer at him.
He easily dodged it because it was a draft!

Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam!

USA Today once ran a nationwide poll asking women if they would like to have sex with President Clinton.
73% replied, "Never again!"

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screwdriver turns in screws, and Bill Clinton screws interns.

What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama
Bill Clinton only wanted a blow job, Barack Hussein Obama wants to fuck the country.

Interviewer: Is it true you name objects?
Bill Clinton: Yes. I call my alam clock Hillary because it nags me first thing in the morning.
Interviewer: Anything else?
Bill Clinton: I call my vacuum cleaner Monica, because, well ...

Monica Lewinsky just turned 50, how fast they grow up. It seems like only yesterday she was carawling around on her hands and knees in The White House and putting everything in her mouth.

... Bill Clinton excuse #15: Hey - I just do what the wife says

It seems the big new game to play at the White House is SWALLOW THE LEADER!

The White House spin is that this is just a third rate blow job!

In Kennedy's time we had Camelot. In Bill Clinton's we have CAME-A-LOT.

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one of them is his sister!

Bill Clinton admits that he has a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky, but that it was O.K. because he didn't penetrate.

Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex.
Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from AIDES!

Bill Clinton: "I didn't tell her to lie in the DEPOSITION...
I told her to lie in THAT there position!"

Bill Clinton hired Johnny Cochran for his defense.
The new line is ... "If she spit, you must acquit!"

The president got a dog so that Hillary wouldn't be confused when she walked past the Oval Office and heard, "Roll over, sit, stay. Good. Now here's your bone."

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

Hillary's new book: "It Takes A Village ... To Satisfy My Husband"

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Bill Clinton doing the same?

Grafitti on men's room wall, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington
If you voted for Bill Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Bill Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one."

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?"
Bill Clinton replied, "No, some begin with 'After I'm elected'."

Bill Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be President.
So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

Bill Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Bill Clinton is doing the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly.

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Q: Why was it difficult for Bill Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
A: I'll be home in about 20 minutes.

Q: How do you satisfy Bill Clinton's appetite?
A: It takes a village.

Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that President Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between the Titanic and Bill Clinton?
A: Only 1,500 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: Has everyone heard about Hillary making a command decision to bring a new intern into the White House?
A: It's Lorena Bobbit.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton.

Q: What was Yasser Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?
A: Goats don't talk.

Q: Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is now working for 7-11?
A: She's endorsing the "Big Gulp."

Q: What is Bill Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?
A: Unibanger.

Q: How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony.
A: It wasn't words that I put in her mouth!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton's approval rating so high?
A: Because Monica was taking the pole.

Q: What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A: Fornigate.

Q: What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?
A: Missionary.

Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: Sat on the Presidential Staff.

Q: Did you hear Bill Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
A: The Spread Eagle.

Q: What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a Hoover vacuum?
A: Where the Dirt Bag attaches.

Q: How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None available, they're too busy screwing the President.

Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game?
A: Poker.

Q: How did they finally bust Bill Clinton?
A: Monica finally coughed up the evidence.

Q: What's Slick Willie's new nickname?
A: President erect.

Q: What is President Bill Clinton's pet name for Hillary?
A: My little buttercup.

Q: What is President Bill Clinton's pet name for Hillary?
A: My little suction cup.


You've got to love New Yorkers!

A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York had a special on what they were calling the "bucket of Hillary" - two small breasts, two large thighs and a bunch of left wings.


An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question:

Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

01% said, "No"

02% said, "Yes"

97% said, "Never Again"


President Bill Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

"What is it?" exclaims the President.

"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President -- what do you want to do about it?"

"Just go ahead and pay it."


It's hard to govern
And the opposition rankles
When your pants are down
Around your ankles


One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Bill Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.

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