What Bill said What he was really thinking

Good evening. I can't believe I'm here when there's so much good tail to be chasing.

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. Scared shitless and sweating like a pig.

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. Unless you like to read Penthouse Forum and believe they are all true too!

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. Besides, I don't have any choice.

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. I lied like a cheap rug.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. She rode me like a bronco buster. In fact, it was wrong. She's a great piece of ass. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. I am such a dumb fuck.

But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action. And you're supposed to believe this too. Would I lie to you??

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that. What's upset Hillary the most is that I wouldn't share Monica with her.

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. I'm as horny as a 17 year old. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarassment of my own conduct. She caught me spanking my monkey.

I was also very concerned about protecting my family. God I hope they buy this crock of bullshit. The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too. I'll say anything to convince myself.

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, Back when Hillary and I used to actually have sex together..... with each other. dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago. But has found every single other person involved with it guilty, dead, fled the country or refusing to talk.

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation He keeps finding everything we thought we had safely buried. Shit!

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people. But Vince Foster really did commit suicide. I mean it, he really did. I was there when it happened.

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most Gennifer and Monica. --my wife and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Except resign.

Nothing is more important to me personally. Except having some sweet young thing just throw herself at me and give me my own one-gun salute. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours. But damn, it does sell newspapers. Good thing I bought those 10,000 shares of Knight-Ridder at 18 1/3.

Even presidents have private lives. And getting a little on the side is supposed to be a perk of the office. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life. Besides, the "Gentleman's Dreams" Escort Service is sending me over a couple of new girls in about 10 minutes. I get really horny when I'm under a lot of stress.

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. My part was easy. I just stood there while Monica did all the work. I love that gal! That is all I can do. What, you think I'm really running the country?

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on Yeah, move on to those two girls coming over.

We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, asses to grab real problems to solve, I have to learn how to hold it in longer. I hate coming so soon real security matters to face. Get some new locks put on the doors to the Oval Office.

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, and look at the real spectacle of the past 5 1/2 years. to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and the fabric of Monica's stained dress and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century. all those young girls who will soon be ripe for the picking.

Thank you for watching. And good night.

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