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The Top 17 Cruel and Unusual Forms of Capital Punishment

17. Listening to Kathie Lee's new CD -- once should do the trick.

16. The "Fran Drescher Sings Paganini" Chamber.

15. Your left ear: N*Sync
Your right ear: Britney
Your hands and feet; tied

14. Being force fed meatloaf and yams while watching "Murder She Wrote" until you explode... no wait, that's just Sunday at Grandma's.

13. "Deliverance II: Squeal Like a Weasel" -- starring Pauly Shore.

12. Death by reverse liposuction.

11. Being strapped to a table as a steady drip of mild salsa hits your forehead while the Pepsi girl skips around the room singing a "Who Let The Dogs Out/Mambo #5/YMCA" medley as she plays the Taco Bell Chihuahua like a set of bagpipes.

10. Being forced to choose between a clueless dumbass and a sleazy liar for President.

09. Swallowing one's own saliva -- in very small amounts over a period of about 70 years.

08. Death by lethal rejection: every person you've ever asked out takes turns reminding you what a loser you are and why they wouldn't go out with you if you were the last person on the planet.

07. Yanni in one ear, John Tesh in the other, and nothing to watch but Doug Henning specials.

06. The Passed Gas Chamber: locked in a Rolls Royce with Anna Nicole Smith and several dozen Burrito Supremes.

05. "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Orenthal James Simpson."

04. Viagra administered by I.V. -- death by lethal erection.

03. Stripped naked, tied down, smeared with beef gravy, and locked into a room with Calista Flockhart, Kate Moss, and a very dull set of cutlery.

02. Being drowned in a pool of your own vomit. A regulation Olympic size pool.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Cruel and Unusual Forms of Capital Punishment...

01. "Alright, now just pull Governor Bush's finger..."


              [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
              [   Copyright 2000 by Chris White    ]

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