The jokes on this page come from many places, including:
jokes4us.com Planck's Constant Archives and other places.

Islamic Jokes

If Allah does not exist, then why did the universe begin with an explosion?

Taliban are celebrating Pride by hanging homosexuals with new rainbow colored nooses.

The followers of Muhmmad have killed 270,000,000 people in 1,400 years.
That's 528 people per day, and 22 people an hour (approximately).
The causalities of Islam are nine times more than of Stalin and Hitler combined!
Destroy Islam, save Humanity.

The term "Moderate Islam" is ugly and offensive. There is NO moderate Islam. Islam is Islam.
- Recep Erdogan, Turkish PM

Q: Why are people more offended by Mulims wearing hijabs than nuns wearing hats?
A: Because nuns don't explode.

It's not a hijab.
It's a diaper for people with shit for brains.

Radical Christian Terrorists - Never!
Radical Catholic Terrorists - Never!
Radical Jewish Terrorists - Never!
Radical Mormon Terrorists - Never!
Radical Christian Terrorists - Never!
Radical Islamic Terrorists - Often!
Why would anyone allow any Muslims into their country who follow Islam?

When Muslims are 1% of your country: Islam is a religion of peace.
When Muslims are 15% of your country: They demand Sharia law, mosques, imams and halal.
When Muslims are 30% of your country: You chose, either convert or die!

On the seventh day of Christmas a Jihadi gave to me:
Seven gays on roof tops
Six vans a ramming
Five I.E.D.s
Four pairs of flip flops
Three severed heads
Two goats a screaming
And a partridge stuffed with TNT

When a peaceful Muslim beats and mutilates his wife, is it also considered child abuse?

Islam. Separating families for more than 1,400 years.

You may not hate Muslims, but Muslims definitely hate you.
- Abdul El-Sayed, candidate for governor of Michigan 2018

Having found the "God Particle", scientists at the Large Hadron Collider detected the "Allah Particle".
The Collider blew itself up before the scientists could write up their findings.

If a fox came to your home, would you put him in your chicken coop hoping he would integrate?
... didn't think so ...
Stop the invasion of Islam to the free world!

Of course you can have an opinion about Islam without having read Qur'an. You don't have to read Mein Kampt to have an opinion about Nazism.
- Richard Dawkins

An Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis either, so fuck off and wait for a camel."

The world has enjoyed 0 days since an Islamic wack job killed somebody on behalf of the religion of peace.

Every day is "Kill an Apostate Day" in Muslim countries.

My wife called me a paedophile.
That's a big word for a nine year old.

When the Muslim refugees came, I didn't protest-they were just poor refugees.
When they built mosques and Islamic cultural centers, I didn't protest-they had the right to pray to Allah.
When they demanded only Halal food in schools I didn't protest-they can only eat what the Koran allows them to eat.
When they gang-raped women and girls I didn't protest-rapes occur in every culture, and they have nothing to do with Islam.
When they carried out terror attacks I didn't protest-it was only a few extremists, who didn't represent true Islam.
When they demanded Sharia Law Zones I didn't protest-they needed their own space, and we live in a free country.
When their MPs took their seats in parliament I didn't protest-they're almost half the population now, and have their rights.
When they introduced Islamic Sharia Law, demanding that it apply to the entire population, it was too late for me to protest.

I'm for giving Muslims the same rights here that they give Christians and females in their home countries.

from: The Mideast Beast ISIS Leader Resigns Amid Allegations of Respecting Women
    ISIS was dealt a crippling political blow on Tuesday when its senior leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, resigned amid numerous allegations of respectful treatment of women. One accuser even described him allowing a female hostage to drive a motor vehicle. Another claimed he was known to not only ask, but to wait for consent before engaging in sexual acts.
    ISIS issued a rare public comment, saying, “We have a clear moral stance against the fair and dignified treatment of women, and with that in mind, it is time for him to resign.”
    In his resignation speech, al-Baghdadi apologized to all of the women he did not harm and to his fellow ISIS members who truly believed in his hate speech. “There are so many young men who have I have inspired with hate, bigotry, and misogyny… and I feel like I let them all down. #VoteRoyMoore.”

BBC: In the event of a nuclear war, the World would be set back 1,000 years.
The report goes on to say that this would not apply to Muslims.

If Confederate statues are being removed because of the Civil War, shouldn't all mosques be removed because of 9/11?

I met a Muslim who said he was married with 3 kids. I thought that's bigamy as well as child molestation.

Muslim LGBTQ support group meeting has been moved to the rooftop.

If a tree falls in a forest, and kills a Muslim, does anyone care?

A woman converting to Islam, is like a black person converting to slavery.

Science flies you to the moon, religion flies you into skyscrapers.
If Islam is the religion of peace then why aren't its extremists extremely peaceful?

Why did you shoot that Muslim terrorist 4 times?
Sorry Sarge. I ran out of bullets.

I never discriminate when it comes to mental health problems,
I feel sorry for all, whether they're schizophrenic, psychotic or Muslim.

A Muslim named Mohammed walks into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist he needs to buy birth control for his 8 year old daughter.
The pharmacist asks "Your 8 year old daughter is sexually active?"
The Muslim replies, "No, she usually just lays there like her mother."

Feeling bored, life getting you down, got a chip on your shoulder, not having much luck with women, don't like following laws, feeling a little psychotic, want to rape, steal and murder with no moral repercussions? Than Islam is definitely the cult for you!

The burka, getting ugly women laid since the seventh century.

One group you will NEVER see in your lifetime:
MAT - Muslims Against Terrorism

I think my Muslim neighbour is embarrassed about the recent terrorist attacks.
She couldn't show her face in the street.

Time travel is actually possible,
All that's needed is a plane ticket to any Islamic country.

Suicide Bomber Terrorist: Hey Muhammad. Where are the promised 72 virgins?
Muhammad: Yussuf. You've misunderstood. There is only one and she is 72 years old.

Boko Haram have released at least 82 of the girls they kidnapped on 2014. Hardly surprising really given they'll be shagging all the children they had by now.

I finally understand the Regressive / Libturd support for Islam.
They understand that when the Muslims support LGBT, they have an entirely different meaning:
Lynch Blacks, Gays and Trans
- Cynical Pessimist

Marvel Comics will introduce a female Muslim superhero who can fly.
Which is handy, since she's not allowed to drive.
However, she only has the ability to fly when she is thrown off a roof.

Marvel Comics is introducing a female Muslim superhero.
Her superpowers will include the ability to leave her house without a male chaperone.

Marvel Comics are going to introduce a female Muslim superhero who can fly.
Wearing a burka sure beats a pair of glasses as a disguise.

Muhammad Inspiration for Leftists

I believe in social justice.	So did Muhammad.
I believe in women's rights.	So did Muhammad.
I believe in protecting the environment.	So did Muhammad.
I believe in having sex with 9 year olds.	So did Muhammad.

I was looking over into next-door's garden,when I saw my neighbour Mohamed and his wife, burying their daughter up to her neck and about to throw rocks at her.
I called the police and I'm happy to say that British justice has prevailed - I've been charged with religious intolerance and Islamophobia.

Apparently, Muslims pray by facing the direction of Mecca. Unfortunately, the earth is curved and most of the prayers get lost in outer space.

Forgive me, Allah. I don’t understand why I can behead my enemies and many little girls, but not eat a fucking ham sandwich.

There is no such thing as Islamophobia.
A phobia is an irrational fear.
Islam is a totalitarian ideology so fear of it is entirely rational.

Behind every screaming goat is a Muslim man with his pants down.

If Muslims are running away from Islamic countries, doesn't that make them Islamophobes?

Lone wolfs aren't lonely:
50 million Muslims think it is OK to use violence, even against civilians.
- Ruud Koopmans, Professor of Sociology.

The five true pillars of Islam:
1) Rape
2) Pedophilia
3) Bestiality
4) Torture
5) Murder

Appeasing Islam is the same as sponsoring your own assassination.

recently posted on gab
I fell asleep and was visited by the Ghost of Social Justice. He told me I was an Islamophobe and took me to a bustling market in the mid-east. There was a sudden flash of light then I woke. Apparently some jihadi blew up and took out the Ghost escorting me and 32 other people.

recently posted on gab
Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights ... like he's a Muslim or something.

People should not make rape jokes, it's Islamaphobic.

Morocco TV recently had a show teaching Muslim women how to put on makeup.
I'm not sure why, when wife beating is approved by the Koran.

Morocco TV recently had a show teaching Muslim women how to put on makeup.
That seems redundant, because the niqab covers their face better than any makeup.

Morocco TV recently had a show teaching Muslim women how to put on makeup.
What does the modern Muslim wife in Morocco wear?
Makeup to cover the beatings from her moderate Muslim husband.

My work colleague, Ahmed, heard me ranting about my cunt of a neighbour. He gave me the following advice. "Think what my holy prophet Mohammed would do in your situation".
So I beheaded him and married his 9 year old daughter.

Muslims claim they feel excluded from America.
Maybe we can behead some infidels and rape some women so the Muslims won't feel excluded from America.

Islam, spreading hatred religiously since 610 A.D.

I'm not insulting your religion, I'm merely describing it. The insult you perceive derives from the honest accuracy with which I am describing it.
- Michael Sherlock

Eating two strips of bacon for breakfast reduces your chance of being a suicide bomber by 100%.

In Canada lesbians are considered hot.
In Saudia Arabi lesbians are killed.
Why are you getting oil from countries that don't think lesbians are hot.

Did you hear about the Name My Band contest a bunch of Mulims had?
Some of the suggestions include:
Bombs n' Roses
Mecca Death
Jihad Me At Hello
Iraq and Roll
Sharia Twain
Quran Quran
Rage Against The Crusades
Qurans of the Stone Age
Bomb Jovi
Throwing Stones
Sunni and Cher

My Muslim coworker brought a CD version of the Quran to work today. He tried to kill me when I asked if I could burn a copy.

Did you hear about the Muslim protesting Islamophobic by saying that they need to behead anyone who says Islam is violent.

Intolerance
Slaughter
Looting
Arson
Molestation of women

Stop making 9/11 jokes. It's plane wrong.

Come on guys, 9/11 jokes aren't funny. 19 Muslims died.

My wife called me a pedophile.
That is a big word for a 9 year old girl.

Jokes don't kill people.
Muslims who are offended by jokes kill people.

Islam is a tolerant religion.
It tolerates suicide bombers, terrorists ... and women ... barely.

Marriage in Islam
What's hers is yours and what's yours is yours.
So, tell me again, how Islam gives women rights.

Muslim Logic:
  Offended by:
cartoons and criticism
  Not offended by:
rape
slavery
pedophilia
beheadings
honor killing
hostage taking
genital mutilation
suicide bombings
burning people alive

There are reports that the Islamic State is releasing its own "Grand Theft Auto" style video game. In their version, the worst crime you can commit is letting a woman drive the car.

Not all Muslims are ISIS.
Some are Taliban, Al Queda, Boko Haram, Hamas, Islamic Brotherhood, CAIR, ...

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land-mines that look like prayer mats. It is doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof!

The latest toy has hit the shops. It's a talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what it says because no one has the guts to pull the string.

If your religion gets offended and kills because of jokes then your religion is a joke!
- Jerry DeWitt

The Muslim world has been reacting over a movie called "The Innocence of Muslims" which is about how the prophet Mohammed was a violent degenerate asshole.
So a bunch of Muslims decide to act like violent degenerate asshole to prove the movie wrong.

What is the world coming to when a terrorist needs to call 911 to record his motives because otherwise the American Liberals will lie to prevent anyone knowing why he is killing American Liberals.

My friend once went to a strip club in Abu Dhabi and got thrown out after saying: "Show us your face".

I try not to tell religious jokes to Muslims any more: half of them are crazy, and the ones with Uzis simply don't get the joke.

So you are telling me that your prophet fucked a nine year old and it ain't ok for you to eat a ham sandwich. Is you for real?

Q: Did you hear about the attorney who defended a Muslim plotting a suicide bombing?
A: He explained that terrorism is the only socially acceptable option for a depressed Muslim.

Q: What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion?
A: Anything you want, she's already been stoned to death.

Q: What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
A: Tickle the goat under the chin.

Q: Why don't Muslim women need self defense courses?
A: They might resist the Koran approved beatings from their owners or husbands.

Q: Why don't Muslim women need self defense courses?
A: They might object to being forced to wear suicide bomber vests.

Q: Why are moderate Muslims like unicorns.
A: Everyone talks about them, but nobody can find them.
- Cynical Pessimist

Q: What is the difference between and American and a Muslim sex doll.
A: The Muslim sex doll blows itself up.

Q: What do you call a Mexican fighting a Muslim?
A: Alien vs. Predator.

Q: What is a suicide bomber's worse fear?
A: Dying alone.

Q: What do you call a transgender in an Islamic country?
A: Pavement.

Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and Pedophile.
A: A Muslim is also into bestiality.

Q: What is the difference between cigarettes and Islamic Jihadists?
A: You can only bring 50 cigarettes into Australia before authorities start asking questions.

Q: Did you hear about the liberal feminist who hitchhiked through the Middle East to prove Muslims respect womens rights?
A: She was raped and murdered the first day.

Q: Did you hear about the liberal feminist who hitchhiked through the Middle East to prove Muslims respect womens rights?
A: She was kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery.

Q: Did you hear about the liberal feminist who hitchhiked through the Middle East to prove Muslims respect womens rights?
A: She was raped every day on her journey but refused to report it because it conflicted with her narrative.

Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
A: Everywhere!

Q: Where do Muslims go when they die?
A: All over the place.

Q: Why do Muslims have so many children?
A: Because they can never have enough suicide bombers.

Q: What is the only difference between a radical and a moderate Muslim?
A: The distance they place between themselves and the bomb.

Q: What did the Muslim terminator say?
A: Allah Be Back.

Q: How can you tell if an Arab just had sex?
A: His eyes are all red from the mace.

Q: How does every Islamic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What do you get after you win a religious debate against a Muslim?
A: Death threats.

Q: What is the difference between a radical Muslim and a moderate Muslim?
A: The radical Muslim wants to kill you. The moderate Muslim wants the radical Muslim to kill you.

Q: Why do most Muslim rapes go unreported?
A: Goats can't talk.

Q: Why do Muslim women wear Burkas?
A: Because they'll be raped if they don't.

Q: Why do Muslim women wear Burkas?
A: Because a collar and leash are not degrading enough.

Q: Did you hear about the recent terrorist attack?
A: It seems a Muslim was trying to blow up a bus but he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

Q: What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
A: Bisexual.

Q: How do Muslims practice safe sex?
A: They mark the camels that kick.

Q: What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A: A pimp.

Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.

Q: What's the hardest part about a Muslim killing his own daughter?
A: Suppressing the erection.

Q: How can you tell if a Muslim girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down until her chin is over the top.

Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a vampire?
A: At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

Q: What's the difference between Christmas and 9/11?
A: Muslims don't celebrate Christmas.

Q: What's the difference between Christmas and terrorist attacks?
A: They don't celebrate Christmas in Muslim countries.

Q: Why did the Muslim go to the airport and blow himself up?
A: He wanted to go everywhere.

Q: How come so many Muslims do not smoke after sex?
A: Because second hand smoke is very dangerous for children.

Q: What's the difference between a micro-wave oven and a Islamic extremist?
A: The oven doesn't blow up when the timer goes off.

Q: Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is?
A: The man gets to see a striptease every night.

Q: What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Osama Bin Laden?
A: Mike Tyson can take a shot to the head.

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Middle Eastern beauty contest?
A: Me neither.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East?
A: Dora the Exploder!

Q: A Muslim, a socialist, and a communist walk into a bar.
A: The bartender says hello Mr. President.

Q: What is Al Qaida now learning after Osama Bin Laden's death?
A: Don't put your contact info on the Playstation Network!

Q: Why doesn't Gaddafi go out drinking?
A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

Q: What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
A: Tickle the goat under the chin.

Q: What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion?
A: Anything you want since she's already been stoned to death.

Q: What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East?
A: A Selfie!

Q: Did you hear about the Muslim party?
A: It was a blast.

Q: What can the Palestinians do to raise the average IQ in the West Bank?
A: Allow Jews to come in.

Q: What do bowlers, Thanksgiving guests, and Syrian refugees all have in common?
A: They all want Turkey.

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A: A refund.

Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afghanistan?
A: Because there is a target on every corner.

Q: What did the warning label on the suicide bombers vest say?
A: In case of Jews, pull cord tightly!

Q: What do you call a building full of Taliban?
A: Jail

Q: How can you tell when you're playing against a radicalized Muslim Quarterback?
A: When he goes under center to call signals and yells out "Kill Kill Kill...B-52 B-52...Ji-hut!"

Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?
A: A Protestant woman gets stoned before she commits adultery.

Q: Why do Muslim extremists pray with their asses up in the air?
A: They want to make it easier for Western troops to kick!

Q: What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
A: No more jokes about the profit.

Q: What do you call an evil Muslim?
A: Mu Ha Ha Ha Med.

Q: What do you call a drunken Muslim?
A: Mohammered.

Q: What did the Muslim train conductor say?
A: Allah board.

Q: What do you call a Muslim taking a bath?
A: Ali Lujah!

Q: What do you call a Muslim alcoholic?
A: Allah Vabeer

Q: What does a Fat Muslim radical yell?
A: Allahu Snack Bar.

Q: What do you call a Muslim stripper?
A: Youseen Memuff

Q: How did you get out of Iraq?
A: Iran

Q: What do you call a bad Lebanese oncologist?
A: Big Fata Liar.

Q: What do you call a Muslim shrink?
A: A terrorpist.

Q: What do you call a bad Muslim eye doctor?
A: Asif Eyecare

Q: What do you call a Muslim Elvis impersonator?
A: Amal Shookup

Q: What do you call a half Irish half Muslim husband?
A: O'Pressive.

Q: What do you call a Muslim looking for a toilet?
A: Mustapha Shiite

Q: What do you call an unemployed Muslim?
A: Bin Laidoff.

Q: What do you get when you cross American culture and Islam?
A: Hijabsters.

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