God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
Newspaper | Other Book |
Television | Divine Inspiration |
Word of mouth | Near Death Experience |
Tabloid | Burning Shrubbery |
Bible | Other (specify): |
Torah |
2. Which model God did you acquire?
Yaweh | Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet |
Jehova | Jesus |
Allah | Satan |
God | None of the above, I was taken in by a false god |
g_d |
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
Yes | No |
4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? (Please check all that apply.)
Indoctrinated by parents
Indoctrinated by society
Imaginary friend grew up
Wanted to meet girls/boys
Wanted to piss off parents
Desperate need for certainty
Need to feel Morally Superior
Needed a reason to live
Needed focus in who to despise
Hate to think for myself
Fear of death
Needed a day away from work
Like Organ Music
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false gods were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
Odin
Zeus
Apollo
Ra
The Great Spirit
The Sun
The Moon
The Bomb
Cthulhu
The Almighty Dollar
Left Wing Liberalism
Barney T.B.P.D.
The Great Pumpkin
Bill Clinton
A burning cabbage
Other:
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
Tarot | Lottery |
Astrology | Television |
Fortune cookies | Ann Landers |
Psychic Friends Network | Dianetics |
Palmistry | Playboy and/or Playgirl |
Self-help books | Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll |
Biorythms | Bill Clinton |
Tea Leaves | EST |
Mantras | Jimmy Swaggert |
Crystals | Human Sacrifice |
Pyramids | Wandering around a desert |
Insurance policies | Burning Shrubbery |
Barney T.B.P.D. | Other: |
Barney Fife | None |
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and bind faith. Which would you prefer? Please check all that apply.
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know ... what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his following (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
a. Disasters | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
flood | |||||
famine | |||||
earthquake | |||||
war | |||||
pestilence | |||||
plague | |||||
SPAM | |||||
AOL |
b. Miracles | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
rescues | |||||
spontaneous remissions | |||||
stars hovering over towns | |||||
crying statues | |||||
water changing to wine | |||||
walking on water (other than the Hudson) | |||||
talking flaming shrubbery | |||||
VCRs that set their own clocks | |||||
Saddam Husein still alive | |||||
Cubs winning the Series | |||||
Clinton's re-election |
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)
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