INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

 Newspaper  Other Book
 Television  Divine Inspiration
 Word of mouth  Near Death Experience
 Tabloid  Burning Shrubbery
 Bible  Other (specify):  
 Torah

2. Which model God did you acquire?

Yaweh Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
Jehova Jesus
Allah Satan
God None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
g_d

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

Yes No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? (Please check all that apply.)

     Indoctrinated by parents
     Indoctrinated by society
     Imaginary friend grew up
     Wanted to meet girls/boys
     Wanted to piss off parents
     Desperate need for certainty
     Need to feel Morally Superior
     Needed a reason to live
     Needed focus in who to despise
     Hate to think for myself
     Fear of death
     Needed a day away from work
     Like Organ Music
     My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false gods were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

     Odin
     Zeus
     Apollo
     Ra
     The Great Spirit
     The Sun
     The Moon
     The Bomb
     Cthulhu
     The Almighty Dollar
     Left Wing Liberalism
     Barney T.B.P.D.
     The Great Pumpkin
     Bill Clinton
     A burning cabbage
     Other:  

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

 Tarot  Lottery
 Astrology  Television
 Fortune cookies  Ann Landers
 Psychic Friends Network  Dianetics
 Palmistry  Playboy and/or Playgirl
 Self-help books  Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll
 Biorythms  Bill Clinton
 Tea Leaves  EST
 Mantras  Jimmy Swaggert
 Crystals  Human Sacrifice
 Pyramids  Wandering around a desert
 Insurance policies  Burning Shrubbery
 Barney T.B.P.D.  Other:  
 Barney Fife  None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and bind faith. Which would you prefer? Please check all that apply.

     a. More Divine Intervention
     b. Less Divine Intervention
     c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
     d. Don't know ... what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his following (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

a. Disasters 1 2 3 4 5
    flood
    famine
    earthquake
    war
    pestilence
    plague
    SPAM
    AOL

b. Miracles 1 2 3 4 5
    rescues
    spontaneous remissions
    stars hovering over towns
    crying statues
    water changing to wine
    walking on water (other than the Hudson)
    talking flaming shrubbery
    VCRs that set their own clocks
    Saddam Husein still alive
    Cubs winning the Series
    Clinton's re-election

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)






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