INTERNET HUMOR PAGES


A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud.
I almost feel like a hybrid.


What's the difference between a Mercedes and a golf ball?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.


"Why are you chasing your caddy?"

"We had words. I told him he was a lousy caddy," and he told me "You can kiss my ass at high noon."

"Whats your rush? You still have ten minutes."


The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."


A golfer sat in a bar drinking, when a drunk sat down next to him. The drunk pointed at the tee behind the golfer's ear and asked him what it was.

The golfer explained that it's used to hold your balls when you drive.

The drunk replied, "Damn! What'll General Motors think of next?"


A golfer drove his tee shot way out of bounds and into a farmer's chicken coop killing his prize hen. After locating the farmer, the golfer expressed his remorse. "I'm sorry," the man said. "Please let me replace her."

"Not so fast," said the farmer. "Just how many eggs can you lay a day."


Playing today Harry?

Nope. Just joined Golfers Anonymous.

What the hell is that?

Whenever you feel like a game, someone comes over and drinks with you instead.


Two old friends met at the golf course. "How's it going?" asked the first guy.

"Not so good," said the second. "My wife's divorcing me."

"Why that's terrible" said the first. "What happened?"

"I made a five and half footer on the eighteeen green," he replied.

"So what's wrong with making a putt?" the first guy asked.

"It wasn't wrong making a putt. It was a brunette."


There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy ... isn't that Dick Green?"

"No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"


Golfer to Partner: I'm anxious to make this shot. That's my mother-in-law up there on the clubhouse porch.

Partner to Golfer: Don't be ridiculous. It's well over 300 yards. You couldn't possibly hit her from here.


What's the real reason your golf pro always wants you to keep your head down?

So you can't see him laughing at you!


Having taking almost four hours to play the front nine, the hacker turned to his caddie. "You must be tired of carrying the bag," he said.

"No sir," replied the caddie, "just tired of counting."


When blue collar workers get together they often talk about football.

When middle management meet, they talk about tennis.

When top management meet they talk golf.

Conclusion: The higher you climb in the corporate ladder the smaller your balls become.


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.


In primitive society, when native tribes cursed and beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.


The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.


Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.


Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.


The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.


There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly, or start cheating.


An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.


Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.


Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.


Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.


There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.


The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
--Roger Simon


A woman visits the doctor after being stung by a bee while golfing.

"What seems to be the problem" the doctor asks?

"I was stung by a bee between the first and the second hole" she replies.

"Wow", the doctor says, "you must have an awfully wide stance!!!"


Tim was addressing the ball like he normally does then something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!

James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet. "Good heavens" exclaimed James, "what shall I do?"

"Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away."


After being away from home for three months trying to make it on the European tour, the golf pro was finally back in bed with his wife, hoping to make up for lost time. Later in the evening when they were asleep, there was a loud knock at the door, and they both sat up straight.

"My God, that must be your husband!" exclaimed the golf pro.

"No, it can't be," said his wife. "He's in Europe playing golf."


"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"


A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."


Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said, "Naaahhh...."

Then they said to me, "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids".

Then I thought..........SHIT, I could win this thing!!!


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