INTERNET HUMOR PAGES


I told my daughter to "check your attitude."
She told me, "for complaints contact the manufacturer."


Willy Wonka is my favorite story about children who have very normal adolescent character flaws and get murdered for them.
- Jordan_Stratton


My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
- Scott39i


Wine:
The WD-40 of parenting.


When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders," they called it "Being a little brat."


My nephew is five years old and all he does is watch other kids on YouTube playing video games. I asked him politely "Why don't you play video games yourself?"
He goes "You watch other people play football. Why don't you play yourself?"
Piece of shit. So I fuckin' turned off WiFi.


Teacher: What comes after 69?

Student: Mouthwash.

Teacher: Get Out.


When a kid says "daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."


A five year old girl asks her Mom: "Mommy, how was I born?"

The Mother smiles and replies: "Once upon a time, me and your Daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we screwed without a condom.


To my children:

Never make fun of having to help me with computer stuff.

I taught you how to use a spoon.


Son talking to father.

"No matter how badly life treats you, you can comfort yourself with the thought that you had no ugly children."


It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick one of your own.


When I was a kid, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget my first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.


My daddy likes sugar so much he eats it with his nose.


Little Johnny took a test where he had to answer questions with a difficult word and spell it correctly. The question and answer that upset his teacher was:

A person not loyal to his country is a?

Little Johnny answered: Democrat.


Thought for Halloween.

I don't care much for spoiled children!

It's hard to get the smell out of the fridge.


Thought for Halloween.

No one likes spoiled children, so be sure to use an airtight container when storing leftovers.


"My mum loves me so much she says a prayer for me every night," Little Johnny tells his teacher.

"And what does she say in her prayer?" asks the teacher.

"Thank Christ the little fucker's in bed."


Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.


Kids are so much braver than adults. If I believed in a fairy that collected human teeth from underneath my pillow chances are I'd never sleep again.


S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life.

C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping

F.I.N.A.L.S. = Fuck, I Never Actually Learned Shit


From The Mouths of Babes

This real-life excerpt is from the Journal of Nursing Jocularity, a humor magazine for nurses:

"A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough," a nurse writes. "She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, 'Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there.'"

The child looked at me and calmly stated, "I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."


A family recently moved to New Jersey. The first night as the mother was putting her son, 2 1/2, to bed, she said, "Let's say our prayers to Jesus."

And he answered, "Did he move with us, too?"


A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."


Prayer for my Dad

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!".


It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"


Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"


One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."


A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."


A Father asked his 5-year-old son just what he thought he did to earn a weekly allowance.

"Well, for one thing," replied the lad, "I keep your wife occupied all day."


The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"


"Mummy, Mummy", called Little Johnny one day, "do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation ?"

"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"

"Well the last generation just dropped it." exclaimed Little Johnny.


Little Johnny and his mother returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. Little Johnny opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"You can't eat them if the seal is broken" Little Johnny explained, "I'm looking for the seal."


The Public Pool

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"


The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"


The Frog

One day a Little Johnny went up to his kindergarten teacher and told her that he had found a frog. The teacher asked the little boy if the frog was alive or dead. He said that the poor helpless frog was dead. The teacher was wondering how the boy knew for sure that the frog was dead.

The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."

The teacher said, "you what?"

He said, "you know, I went to his ear and said, 'psst!' and it didn't move...So it must be dead."


Let's Play House...

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

Sally replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."


What To Name The Baby

When Little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But 4-year-old Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations. One day when Johnny and his mother were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" Johnny answered, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"


Pulling Out

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and so there's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no means of transportation."


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER: No, that's wrong.

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.


Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies Johnny.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the freaking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!"


Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own freaking business.


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Johnny says, 'I have a question for YOU.'

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Johnny replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'


A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."


One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice "The big sissy."


When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "... and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The Sky is Falling!'" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A Talking Chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.


Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"


Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that broke back mountain shit in our yard."


A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello, son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"


A little girl walks into a pet store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She replies in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."


You should never lose your grand kids.

A heartwarming story.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

'The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits".


Some Dinosaur Jokes for the Kids

Q: What's the best way to call a Tyrannosaurus Rex?
A: Long distance!

Q: What does a Triceratops sit on?
A: It's Tricera-bottom!

Q: What dinosaur would you find in a rodeo?
A: Bronco-saurus!

Q: What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain?
A: Stegosaur-rust!

Q: What dinosaur loves pancakes?
A: A tri-syrup-tops.

Q: Why couldn't the long-necked dinosaur see?
A: Because it had its head in the clouds!


More Jokes For the Kids

Q: What did the mommy snake say to the baby snake?
A: Stop crying and viper your nose!

Q: What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
A: "Stop going in circles and get to the point!"

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