Worst Words of Advice in a Commencement Speech.

"*Never* take the DA's first offer."

"As you endeavor to make your mark in the world, remember this passage from 'Mein Kampf'..."

"A career, sound investments, and material possessions may be nice -- but you can't smoke *them* in your crack pipe..."

"There is no problem so small that it can't be solved with excessive violence."

"College can wait. Take a few years off to hone your Mortal Kombat skills to razor-sharp perfection!"

"When in doubt, vomit."

"As you walk down that great highway of life, ask yourself one question: Why don't I own a car?"

"Now a lot of people are going to try to fill your head with the crazy notion that heroin is bad for you..."

"Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards."

"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask who you can sue."

"If you see someone who looks like they might be from another country, greet him or her with a warm handshake and say, 'Welcome to America, Pancho!'"

"If there's one thing the world needs, it's more mimes."

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