California D.M.V. application

Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in LA., you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is below:

Southern California Driver's License Application:

Name: Stage name:

Agent: Attorney:

Publicist Manicurist/Hair stylist

Sex: male female formerly male formerly female both
If female, indicate breast implant size:
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes No

Occupation:
  Lawyer
  Actor/Waiter
  Filmmaker/Self-employed
  Writer
  Car Dealer
  Panhandler
  Agent
  Hooker/Transvestite
  Other; please explain:

Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in car:

Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex:

Please list:
  Brand of cell phone:
  (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
  Females: Blonde   Platinum Blonde   Ash Blonde
  Teenagers: Purple   Blue   Green   Skinhead
  Men: Please list shade of hair plugs.

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
  Eating a wrap
  Applying make-up
  Talking on the phone
  Slapping kids in the back seat
  Having sex
  Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
  Tanning
  Snorting coke
  Watching TV
  Reading Variety
  Surfing the Net via your laptop

Please indicate how many times:
  a) you expect to shoot at other drivers
  b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving

If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
  a) Call the police to report the crime;
  b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase;
  c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
  d) Call your therapist;
  e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

Please indicate if you drive a:
  a) Beamer,
  b) Lexus,
  c) Mercedes, or
  d) Toyota.
If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license.

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
  a) stop your car,
  b) keep driving and hope for the best,
  c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
  d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
  a) never drive over 5 MPH,
  b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
  c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
  a) Prozac;
  b) Zovirax;
  c) Lithium;
  d) Zantax;
  e) Viagra.
  If none, please explain:

Length of daily commute:
  a) 1 hour;
  b) 2 hours;
  c) 3 hours;
  d) 4 hours or more.

When stopped by police, should you:
  a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready,
  b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
  c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
  d) reload before coming to a complete stop.

If there is no menu on the left side of the screen, you need to click here to activate the menu.