Michigan Driving Rules:
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people you can cut in front of in line by passing on the right. You lose face if you hit any of the orange construction barrels.
Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Michigan driver never uses them. Use of them in Ann Arbor is thought to be illegal.
Under no circumstances should you leave any distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, causing you to lose points.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
Michigan is a no-fault insurance state and the other driver has nothing to lose.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic jam.
The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make us look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and normally do not apply during rush hours.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a true Rhode Island driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is just changing a tire.
Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
State Police cars or ambulances passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need make up a few minutes in your travel time.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Michigan is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to MDOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers' reflexes.
It is traditional in Michigan to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
Making eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Ann Arbor, where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Lansing you are allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn.
Yellow lights don't count.
Remember that the goal of every Michigan driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
Real Michigan female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Real Michigan male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra (not their own) at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during daylight hours.
Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are nature's way of ensuring the economic survival of body shops, junkyards, and car dealers.
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