INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

Husband: Why did you marry me?
Wife: Because you are funny.
Husband: I thought it was because I was good in bed.
Wife: You see? You are hilarious.

Wife crashed the car again today ...
She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking can of beer.
Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room!

Wife: Now that we're married you can play less golf.
Husband: You're staarting to sound like my ex-wife.
Wife: I didn't know you've been married before.
Husband: I haven't.

A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".
All the men in the church moved to left except one man
The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked, "How come your wife can't control you?"
The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move.

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Husband is recovering from a head injury now.

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

Doctor: "Are you involved in any dangerous sports?"
Patient: "Well, sometimes I disagree with my wife."

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house... "I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"
As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Husbands. Cheer yourself up by watching your wedding video in reverse. You'll love the bit where you give her back the ring, walk back up the aisle, get into a car and fuck off.
- Ben Nicol, Mernda

Oxymoron: Happily Married.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

A slightly drunk woman is watching TV and yells, "Don't go there! Don't go to the church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband ask, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

The difference between your job and your wife is that, after 3 years, your job still sucks.

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills! I'm still looking for a place to live.

Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

Marriages are made in heaven.
But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married!

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine.

"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

If it flies, floats or fucks, you're better off renting it.

Ideal wife - deaf, dumb, blind, oversexed, and owns a liquor store.

When a woman steals your husband, There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

... Love is grand. Divorce, twenty grand.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

We have a young couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog to seperate them.

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: What's the difference between outlaws and inlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.

Q: Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?
A: Because they are bitter.

Q: What do you call a man who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Q: How are women and tornadoes alike?
Q: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Q: What is the difference between a cyclone, a hurricane and a divorced wife?
A: No difference. They all get the house.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals".

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Dear Dr Phil,

I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded ... watching me.

Is she a pervert?

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of your stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time."

She replied, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."

A stunning blonde displayed her curves and sold a soft drink in a TV commercial. A wife looked at her stunning figure and said, "What do people see in her?"

The husband said, "I have no idea. Let me take a closer look!"

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

His dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"

His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."

The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.

The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

The difference between "friendships:"

A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's ten best friends. None of them know about it.

A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's ten best friends. Eight of them say he slept over. Two claim he's still there.

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

Amen

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack say as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do yo think the neighbors would think if I mowed the law like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

RELATIVE

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Sorry Dear I have a Headache

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache.

"Perfect," her husband said.

"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository. It's up to you."

A son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies: "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says: "Son, all household appliances come in white."

A wife was dying, with her husband by her side. She said in a tired voice. "There's sumthing I must confess."

He says "Shhh honey stay quiet. There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

The wife says, "No I must die in peace. I fucked yo brother, yo best friend, his best friend and yo father."

Husband says, "I know, Thats why I poisoned your ass, now close ur eyes BITCH !!!!"

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