Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
- Anon

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
- Anon

Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
- Anon

Marriage is like a game of cards. Starts with two hearts and a diamond and ends with clubs and a spade.
- Anon

Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.
- Anon

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
- Alan King

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
- Ann Landers

Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.
- Bettina Arndt

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
- Bill Cosby

For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
- Bill Cosby

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
- Billy Connolly

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.
- Cass Daley

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
- Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
- Evelyn Hendrickson

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- G.K. Chesterton

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
- George Burns

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.
- George Lichtenberg

Women should be obscene and not heard.
- Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- Groucho Marx

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
- Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
- Groucho Marx

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H.L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.
- H.L. Mencken

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
- Helen Rowland

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
- Hemant Joshi

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
- Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henny Youngman

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Jackie Mason

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
- James Holt McGavran

Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, "Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends."
- Jeffrey Bernard

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
- Joey Adams

Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.
- Joyce Brothers

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo Di Vinci

I don't think I'll get married again.
I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
- Lord Byron

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
- Marie Corelli

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.
- Max Kaufman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Dammit sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure.
- Oscar Wilde

My wife is the sort of woman who gives necrophillia a bad name.
- Patrick Murray

I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me and the second one didn't.
- Patrick Murray

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
- Raymond Hull

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

Ah, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
- Roger Price

Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.
- Rupert Hughes

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
- Sean Williamson

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
- Spike Milligan

A good divorce means never having to say you're broke.
- Sylvester Stallone

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.
- Tony Curtis

Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.
- W.C. Fields

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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