MicroTimes - June 25, 1997, issue # 166
Dvorak's Last Column - by John Dvorak
The Best Net Humor Of 1996, or Somebody Has To Promote This Stuff.
(and other sources)
If Andersen Consulting made toasters:
It would be the first fully integrated holistic re-engineered simple yet
radical interpersonal communicational wheat product leveraging visionary
offering toaster on the market coming without the risk of carbonation
degradation via an architecting process involving a conceptual design of
worldwide breadth helping to deliver domestic food services for
enterprise-wide value frameworks across the continuum of reorientation in
an impactful environment which is strategically based, industry focused
and aligned with your family's mission, vision and core values.
If IBM made toasters:
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for
overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six
toasters. The catchy ad campaign would be entitled "Toasters for a small
Planet" - a discussion with you an your dentist about IBM's incredible
success in integrating toasters for the worldwide Olympic Games.
If Microsoft made toasters:
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You
wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster 95 would weight 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel counter top), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters:
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Xerox made toasters:
You could toast one-sided or double sided. Successive slices would get
lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters:
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you
could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters:
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of
bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still
in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that
indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters:
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cup of Java.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters:
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives
you regular bread.
If TRW Corporation made toasters:
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted telephone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified Government documents. The X-Files would
have an episode about it.
If Sony made toasters:
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single slice of bread it
is meant to toast can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Fisher Price made toasters:
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the
bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters:
Every month you would receive another lovely hand crafted piece of your
authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
Does DEC still make toasters?:
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
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