Latest from the Front (military intelligence?)

From actual military "squawk sheets".
(Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.)

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Solution #2: #1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Solution: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Number three engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on back-order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Supect you're right.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from midget.

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