Spelling, Grammar, Writing, Books...

Steal a man's wallet and he will be poor for a week.
Teach him to be a writer and he will be poor for the rest of his life.

Ten ways to support your favorite author:
1. Buy their books.
2. Write reviews.
3. Give their books as gifts.
4. Tell ten people.
5. Read for a book club.
6. Recommend on GoodReads.
7. Request at your library.
8. Promote on social media.
9. Post pictures holding their book.
10. Send the author a fan letter.

CREATIVE WRTTER NAMING CONVENTION
1. project Draft.docx
2. project Draft 2.docx
3. project FINAL.docx
4. project FINAL 2.docx
5. project FINAL FINAL.docx
6. project SERIOUSLY THE LAST XXXXXX VERSION I SWEAR.docx
7. I hate my Iife.docx
8. I hate my life FINAL.docx

How to be a good author:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always
2. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
3. Who needs rhetorical questions?
4. Be more or less specific
5. Comparisons are as bad as cliches

Four Things You Should Never Say To A Writer:
1. So I hear you're a writer. vhat, have you written that I might have read?
2. Hey. I'm thinking of writing a book someday! I'll spend the next hour describing it and you can let me know what you think.
3. My aunt's cousin's daughter does wonderful drawings. Maybe she can illustrate your next book!
4. Is it like Harry Potter?

Ways to fix writers block:
1. try turning the author on and off again.
2. let them talk, they might talk themselves out of their own mess.
3. if they're crying, put them in a bag of rice.
4. say "give up then" in a comforting way and watch them get back to work out of sheer spite.
- PaperFury

Fact 1:
Reading can make you a better conversationalist.
Fact 2:
Neighbors will never complain you are reading too loud.
Fact 3:
Knowledge by osmosis has not yet been perfected, so you'd better read.
Fact 4:
Books have stopped bullets. Reading could save your life.
Fact 5:
Dinosaurs did not read. Lcok what happened to them.

There are only two kinds of writers:
1. Those who are insane.
2. Those who are good at hiding it.

The five stages of putting my book down to go eat dinner.
1. Denial
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance

Three Voices In Writing:
1. Active Voice: You ate all the bacon.
2. Passive Voice: All the bacon was eaten (by you)
3. Passive-Aggressive Voice: You ate all the bacon and no one else got any. Don't worry; it's fine. Clearly, you needed that bacon.

Story Elements:
Opening: Once Upon A Time
Inciting Incident: And Then One Day
First Act Break: And So The Quest Began
Midpoint: Suddenly and Without Warning
Seecond Act Break: No Going Back
Climax: All Or Nothing

How to survive a relationship with a writer
Top 10 Tips
1. Never ever ask when the book will be published.
2. Do not ask a writer if they wish thcy had written the latest best-seller.
3. Never say you're thinking of writing a book. Never ever say you'd also write a book if only you had the time.
4. Don't call the police if you happen to see a writer's browsing history. The average writer is not planning to poison you, hire a hitman, or move to Afghanistan. It's simply research.
5. Leave a writer alone when the writer is actually writing. You have no idea how difficult it is to enter the zone.
6. Don't pick unfair fights with a writer. Writers do get their revenge in print.
7. If you do want to fight, make it memorable. The writer is always Iooking for material.
8. If your writcr wanders off at a party, don't panic. Writ¢r8 1ov¢ to inspect th¢ host's bookshelves and medicine cabinets.
9. Buy your writer notebooks and cute pens as gifts. Do not buy flowers. Chocolate is also acceptable.
10. Leave your writer alone when a rejection letter arrives. Afier the deadly silence, screaming, crying, moaning, and muttering have subsided, offer your writer a cup of coffee or tea. And a cupcake. Add a huge hug.

1. Denial
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance
The five stages of putting my book down to go eat dinner.

Alternative titles for the Odyssey
1. So, You Think You're Smarter Than the Gods?
2. Mistakes Were Made!
3. Death Follows Odysseus Around for a Few Decades
4. The Best Way To Handle Men Who Won't Take No For An Answer? Murder!
5. For the Love! Would You just Ask For Directions!
6. Let's Sail Over to that PIace We Obviously Shouldn't.
7. What Fresh Hell is This? A Tale Of Doomed Companions
8. No Man in This Story Actually Deserves Penelope
9. This is Why We Don't Leave The City!
10. Never Trust A Man Who Tells Puns
11. Every Time Odysseus Has a Bad Idea, Someone Else Dies
12. Man Proves Failure IS an Option.... Over and Over
13. Everywhere Is A Hellhole Except Greece.

When you said "friends with benefits" I thought you meant you owned a bookstore.

Proofreading is a lost rat? :-)

You can have my Oxford comma when you pry it from my cold, dead, and lifeless hands.

Irony - the opposite of wrinkly.

The existence of Chicago-style pizza implies the existence of AP style pizza.

A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one.
- George R. R. Martin

Some people write because they have stories they want to tell. Others write because there are worlds they want to visit.

Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.
- Mark Twain.

There are three rules for writing a novel ... Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called.
- Jarod Kintz

The road to ignorance is paved with good editors.
- George Bernard Shaw

Writing is a hellish task, best snuck up on, whacked on the head, robbed and left for dead.
- Ann-Marie Macdonald

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture
- Martin Mull

Why do writers write?
Because it isn't there.
- Thomas Berger

The first line of almost any story can be improved by making sure the second line is, "And then the murders began."

There is no limit to how rough a rough draft can be.

This writing business. Pencils and whatnot. Overrated, if you ask me.
- Winnie the Pooh

Write without fear. Edit without mercy.

Write from your heart; rewrite from your head.
- Viki King

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the past perfect.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.
- Will Rogers

Put the care into scare!
- G.W. Thomas

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams

For every revision there is an equal and opposite revision.
- R. Michael Burns

Lots of people hear voices. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Some of them are called writers, and mostly they do the same thing.
- Margaret Chittenden

A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit.
- Richard Bach

Literature is a textually transmitted disease, normally contracted in childhood.
- Jane Yolen

Don't write to become famous or to make a lot of money. Write because you love it. Write because not writing for more tha a few days feels like you have abandoned a puppy in a mineshaft. Save the puppy.
- Joe Beernink.

Exercise the writing muscle every day, even if it is only a letter, notes, a title list, a character sketch, a journal entry. Writers are like dancers, like athletes. Without that exercise, the muscles seize up.
- Jane Yolen

Any idiot or ass can criticize my work--and many of them will.
- David Farland

There are ten thousand right ways to write any story, but there are a million wrong ways to do it.
- David Farland

Don't forget - no one else sees the world the way you do, so no one else can tell the stories that you have to tell.
- Charles de Lint

A writer who waits for ideal conditions under which to work will die without putting a word to paper.
- E.B.White.

If you can quit, then quit. If you can't quit, you're a writer.
- R. A. Salvatore

Writing a book is like telling a joke and having to wait two years to know whether or not it was funny.
- Alan De Botton

As a writer, words are your paint. Use all the colors.
- Rhys Alexander

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of god, tell a joke.
- Joss Whedon

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.
- Wilson Mizner

Writing ... is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlight, but you can make the whole trip that way.
- E. L. Doctorow

Great writers aren’t great first-drafters. They’re great rewriters.
- Andrew Bennett

I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork.
- Peter de Vries

Writing a novel requires a lot of energy and a lot of neurosis. If you were reasonable, you would do something else.
- Lawrence Durrell

There is a technical term for someone who confuses the opinions of a character in a book with those of the author. The term is idiot.
- S.M.Stirling

You can't blame a writer for what the characters say.
- Truman Capote

Being a writer is easy. It's like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire, you're on fire, everything is on fire and you're in hell.

My congratulations to you. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

English doesn't borrow from other languages. It follows them down dark alleys, beats them senseless, and rifles through their pockets for loose grammar.

I'm glad I can talk to you about fictional characters as if they were real, and have you still think I'm sane.

If there is a book you want to read but isn't written yet, write it.
- Shel Silverstein

How to ID passive voice: If you can insert "by zombies" after the verb, you have passive voice

The correct amount of books to have is N+1 (where N is the amount of books you currently have).

If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.
- Stephen King

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.
- Stephen King

The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress.
- Philip Roth

A writer never has a vacation. For a writer life consists of either writing of thinking about writing.
- Eugene Ionesco

I don't mind suspension of disbelief, but it should not be hanged from the neck until dead.
- Marion Zimmer Bradley's standard form rejection letter included this ...

Let me clear it up for you: sci-fi is when you're depressed about the future, fantasy is when you're depressed about the past, and literature is when you're depressed about the present.
- LibShipWreck

Why authors want Amazon reviews
lf a book gets 10 reviews the author receives a cryptic fragment of a treasure map.
lf a book gets 30 reviews the Bank of England will then accept copies of the book as legal tender. If a book gets 50 reviews Amazon sends the author a free unicorn.
Why not help an author you love get a free unicorn by reviewing their book today!

Synonym Rolls
Like grammar used to make.

Jayne Austen
Book and Gun Club
Pride and Extreme Prejudice

The problem with reading a good book is that you want to finish the book, but you don't want to finish the book.

If you're afraid that reading a book might change someone's thinking,
Then you're not afraid of books, you're afraid of thinking.

The only people who have a problem with escapism are jailers.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to give it an unexpected twist.

Writer's Block:
When your imaginary friends refuse to talk to you.

I don't have a book problem.
I have a book storage problem.

A book fell on my head.
I can only blame my shelf.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said "it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along" and I can't stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this ...
- RuthWareWriter

LITERATURE:
English Literature: I will die for honor.
French Literature: I will die for love.
American Literature: I will die for freedom.
Russian Literature: I will die.

Prepositions are to language as aim is to a gun.
- Mark Helprin

"i" before "e" except ... when either your weird feisty neighbor or his eight foreign heirs forfeit their beige heifers and seize freight.

I'm a writer. Anything you say may be used in a story.

Booktrovert
A person who prefers the company of fictional characters to real people.

Writers don't get mad.
They just write you into their next novel (as the victim or villian).

A draft of the Fellowship was rejected by Tolkien's editor, who cited the reason being that the plural for Dwarf, was Dwarfs, not Dwarves according to the Oxford English Dictionary. Dwarves was not a word that existed. Tolkien responded, very accurately "I wrote the Oxford English Dictionary, don't correct me."

Oxymorons:
found missing
open secret
small crowd
act naturally
fully empty
pretty ugly
original copy
only choice
liquid gas

I'm plotting against you.
I'm a writer, its what I do.

A day without reading is like ...
Just kidding. I have no idea.

Ever feel like you spend to much time reading?
Yeah. Me neither.

I'm not addicted to reading.
I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.

I have a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

If you're feeling worried about how little you've achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn't write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn't kill anyone until he was dead.

Sign in bookstore window:
Please Note:
The post-apocalyptical fiction section has been moved to current affairs.

Any time a beauiful twenty-three year old woman in a movie is attracted to a mediocre man played by a comedian who wrote the script I count it as a plot hole.

The writer's blessing:
May you write 1,500 words with ease.
May your characters be lively and not cardboard.
May you need little editing.
May your muse visit you as soon as you sit.
May the Internet not distract you much.
May your phone lie dormant while you write.

Don't judge a book by its cover. My math textbook had a picture of someone enjoying themselves on it. I did not enjoy myself at all.

So, I'm sitting in English class and the teacher says: "Class, today we are going to talk about tenses. For example, if I say 'I am beautiful' what tense is it in?"
My friend answers: "Well, it's obviously the past tense."
The class laughed for ten minutes.

I may not be the strongest guy or the most well armed, but you can put me in a room with a pencil and a piece of paper and I can kill anybody.
- John Milius

If I hit you with a dictionary,
would it be a physical or verbal assault?

Every Dystopian Young Adult Novel:
My name is Wicker Basket and I'm the chosen one.
I'm very plain, but also gorgeous.
Two hot white dudes are in love with me.
Which one do I choose?
I'm so clumsy.
Except all forms of combat.
Also, I'm a vampire.

Two sentence horror story.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?
Too.

Books: Helping introverts avoid conversation since 1454.

I used viagra instead of white-out and my correction lasted four hours.

Did you hear about the patient who went to his doctor and told him "I'm afraid I've caught poetry."
The doctor replied, "Oh really? Well, don't worry sir. I used to suffer from short stories."
The patient asked, "Really? When?"
"Oh, once upon a time."

Autocorrect:
Quit changing my curse words you mother forklift!

The man who created autocorrect has died.
Restaurant in pieces.

The man who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

Oh damn. Again autocorrect makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

Hey son, can you help me rape these leaves?
Oh damn, stupid autocorrect.

Frankly autocorrect, I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt.

Grammar Police: To Serve and Correct.

Son: What's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel?
Dad: Well, that's your uncle Frank's ashes. It was his favorite beer mug. He always said it would be funny. Never got why.
Son: Maybe it's so he could be Frank in Stein?

I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

A writer walks into a murder scene, sees a dead body on the floor with Your Next written on the wall in blood.
He dips his finger in the blood and writes You're.

I'm reading a horror story in braille.
Somthing bad is going to happen ... I can feel it.

Am I bi-lingual if I can speak fluent English and sarcasm?

It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws.

I before E except after C disproved by SCIENCE.

I don't judge people based on race, creed, color or gender.
I judge people based on spelling, grammar, punctuation and sentence structure.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws; the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Let's eat kitty.
Let's eat, kitty.
Commas save lives.

Lets eat kids.
Lets eat, kids.
Punctuation saves lives.

Grammar:
The difference between:
Knowing your shit
and
Knowing you're shit.

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

Spelling is important.
When someone tells you a band of (looters ? luters) is approaching you won't know if you should expect pillage or serenades.

You can't spell "slaughter" without "laughter."

You can't run through a campground!
You can only ran, because it's past tents...

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
It was a tense situation.

Dear people who type in all lowercase,
We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Sincerely,
Capital Letters

If you were in my novel, I'd have killed you by now.

If you've ever dated a bookworm, raise your hand.
If you haven't, raise your standards.

Don't write so that you can be understood, write so that you can't be misunderstood.
- President William Taft

You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.
- Ray Bradbury

Why English Is Hard To Learn
We'll begin with box; the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes,
One fowl is a goose, and two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose is never called meese.
You can find a lone mouse or a house full of mice;
But the plural of house is houses not hice.
The plural of man is always men.
But the plural of pan is never pen.
If I speak of a foot, and you show me two feet,
And I give you a book, would a pair be a beek?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't two booths be called beeth?
If the singular's this and the plural is these,
Should the plural of kiss be ever called keese?
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
When the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him;
Just imagine the feminine... she, shis, and shim!
- James Donovan

Classics Summarized:
War And Peace - Everyone is sad. It snows.
The Grapes Of Wrath - Farming sucks. Road Trip! Road trip sucks.
Wuthering Heights - A sort-of brother and sister fall in love. It's foggy.
The Odyssey - War veteran takes forever to get home then kills everyone.
The Canterbury Tales - Medieval version of "99 Bottles of Beer."
MacBeth - Old ladies convince a guy to ruin Scotland.
Ulysses - Dublin, something, something, something, run-on sentence.
The Sun Also Rises - Lost generation gets drunk. They're still lost.
The Brothers Karamazov - Brothers are very contentious, like their father. Also Russia.
The Catcher In The Rye - Moody teen complains a lot. He has a red hat.
1984 - Vision of a dystopian future (now called Tuesday).
Lord Of The Flies - Marooned boys are bad at everything except killing each other.
Crime And Punishment - Murderer feels bad. Confesses. Goes to jail. Feels better.
Dante's Inferno - All hell breaks loose.
Don Quixote - Guy attacks windmills. Also, he's mad.
Moby Dick - Man vs. whale. Whale wins.
Walden - Man sits outside for two years. Nothing happens.
Beowulf - Hero kills monster. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Dragon kills hero.

Paraprosdokians:
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up - we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an emergency, notify ..." I answered "a doctor."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.

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