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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems'.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

Ronald Reagan #1: I don't recall.

Ronald Reagan #2: What chicken?

George Bush: I don't think I should have to answer that question.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

Bill Clinton #1: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?

Bill Clinton #2: I did not cross the road with that chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

Hillary Clinton #1: I have vast experience with chickens and if elected, I will ensure that EVERY chicken has the ability to cross any road they desire.

Hillary Clinton #2: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

Ken Starr: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

Sarah Palin: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

Barack Hussein Obama: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

John McCain: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

Saddam Hussein #1: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

Vice President Al Gore #1: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

Vice President Al Gore #2: I invented the chicken!

George W. Bush #1: I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.

George W. Bush #2: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Senator Lieberman: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

Dick Cheney #1: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

Dick Cheney #2: Where's my gun?

Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

Anderson Cooper: CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

Nancy Grace: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Moses #1: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Moses #2: The road the chicken must cross is written into these stone tablets.

Jerry Falwell #1: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side". That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

Jerry Falwell #2: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Al Sharpton: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Bill Gates #1: I have just released the new eChicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. Though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999. Never mind that it runs under Win-doze, which only I sell. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

Bill Gates #2: I have just released the new eChicken Office 2014, which, will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed it, I've not been told!

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle #1: To actualize its potential.

Aristotle #2: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and,therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

Agent Fox Mulder #1: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Agent Fox Mulder #2: It was a government conspiracy.

Agent Scully: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Charles Darwin #1: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Charles Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Oliver Stone #1: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but, rather, why was a road there at all?

Oliver Stone #2: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Albert Einstein #1: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Albert Einstein #2: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Alone.

O.J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Ralph Nader: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

Andersen Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementing processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, process and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of the road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge captial, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear,vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to be more successful.

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