1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

4. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

5. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

6. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

8. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

9. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

10. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

11. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

12. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts when they're going to go off.

13. When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

14. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

15. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

16. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.

17. If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

19. Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

20. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings- especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

22. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

23. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

24. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

25. You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.

26. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

27. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

28. Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

29. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

30. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

31. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

32. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

33. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

34. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

35. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

36. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

37. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

38. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

39. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

40. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.

41. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

42. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

43. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.

44. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

45. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right then and there.

46. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

47. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

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