rejected Hallmark cards (random assortment)

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)

Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

How could two people as beautiful as you,
have such an ugly baby?

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

We have been friends for a very long time ...
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you...
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

I 've always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire
I noticed your cat...Sorry.

You had your bladder removed
And you're on the mends
Here's a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay
Won't that be a laugh
When they find out you're one
Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

So your daughter's a hooker
And it spoiled your day
Look at the bright side
She's a really good lay.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

Heard your wife left you
How upset you must be
But don't fret about it
She moved in with me.

Your computer is dead
It was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows '95?

You totalled your car
And can't remember why
Could it have been
That case of Bud Dry?

(This is why men aren't allowed to write greeting cards!!!!)

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

09. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

08. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

07. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

06. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

05. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled...SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

04. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown but so's your ass.

03. You're a honey and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty."

02. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

01. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

15. I love you when you're happy.
I love you when you're sad.
I love you though you told me,
The milkman is my dad.

14. Roses are red,
my childhood was blue.
Get out of my basement --
Your rent is past due.

13. The cards in the store
Were just too full of sex,
But I thought, "What the hell."
Love, Oedipus Rex

12. There once was a woman named Mother,
Who always did favor my brother.
But now that he's dead,
Mother senses with dread
That *her* nursing home's worse than the others.

11. You stood up to my father's kin,
their many threats of extortion.
Thanks for having me, Mother Dear,
instead of an abortion.

10. Dear Mom, in your Mother's Day card,
Is a question that you may find hard:
If Dad went astray,
If he left, as you say,
Who's that buried in the back yard?

09. Mom you're so great,
Mom you're so cool.
Please don't send me,
to an Arkansas school.

08. I know my Mom's a test tube.
I'm a sheep, not an ignorant rube.
No real Mom could be better,
She'd just wind up a sweater,
Adorning some debutante's boobs.

07. When I was born, you became a mom,
and gave me lots of joy and lovin'.
But now, I need to come back home --
I've got my *own* bun in the oven.

06. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother:
Congrats to you, my almost-Mom,
You've nearly won the war...
Unlike all the other tramps
Dad picks up in the bar!

05. I'm going to Denmark, Mother, Dear,
For some changes of which you'll learn.
You always wanted a little girl --
Well, you'll have one when I return.

04. Your girlish figure disappears,
With each bite that you chew.
You now look worse in lingerie,
Than dear old Uncle Lou.

03. You've lovingly looked after me
Since I was just a baby,
So now I don't resent the fact
That both my moms are ladies.

02. I think of you, dear Mother,
as I'm in my cell, alone,
And miss the way you always made
our crack house a crack home.

and Top5's Number 1 Rejected Mother's Day Card...

01. You probably won't even listen,
You may still think, "How *could* he?"
But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un.
Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]
[      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]

15. We hate the day care lady, Mom,
gray hair sprouts from each ear.
Won't you keep us home with you,
and ditch that damned career?

14. Here's a little bottle,
for you on Mother's Day.
You certainly do drink a lot
since Daddy went away.

13. I want to be just like you, Mom,
so pretty and full of class.
So I, too, will bed the president,
and then I'll sue his ass.

12. Show you love me, Mother,
though I made a bad decision.
Steal a semi, ram the fence,
and break me out of prison.

11. I was a happy little girl,
now all I do is cry.
You caused all my neuroses, Mom --
you raised me as a *guy.*

10. There once was a mother named Mom,
Who had a great son, named Tom.
He sent flowers her way,
For each Mother's Day.
So can you loan me a grand?

09. What is a mother?
Soother of boo-boos,
Singer of lullabies,
Confidant,
Friend...
Yeah, yeah, yeah -- Here's your plant, I'm double-parked.

08. I got my dad's eyes,
and my grandma's class,
But thanks to YOU, Mom,
I've a double-wide ass.

07. Happy Mormon Mother's Day!
You've earned a day of rest.
Of all my many mommies,
you're the one I love the best.

06. I made this picture with lots of love,
some tape, some glitter and glue.
So get off my case about a job --
I'm only thirty-two.

05. You nursed me, Mom, & gave to me your swelling naked breast.
I suckled there, I drank my fill, you never got a rest.
And now that it's been thirty years, I have but one request:
I think it's time you weaned me, Ma, my head is rather messed.

04. Roses are red, violets are blue,
Ellen is gay, and guess what? I am too!

03. Dear Mom, you've always helped me out.
I wish that I'd helped YOU.
But if I'd lied while on the stand,
I'd be in prison, too!

02. My inheritance money you're wastin'
Living life in extravagant style.
So today, red-hot lead you'll be tastin'
Like the mother of Erik and Lyle.

and Top5's Number 1 Rejected Mother's Day Card...

01. Happy Mother's Day to the best Mom.
As a parent, well, you are Da Bomb.
I don't mind that you boss me,
'Cause you didn't toss me
In the bathroom at your Senior Prom.

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