INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey Pop singer

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island


These are supposedly actual quotes taken out of the Texas state legislative record:

"It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
- Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury

"Lemme give ya' a hypothetic."
- Texas Rep. Renal Rosson

"And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs

"Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one."
- A. C. Greene

"No thanks, once was enough."
- Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again

"Well, there never was a Bible in the room."
- Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal

"Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish

"Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos."
-Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

"If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies

"If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen..."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

"I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.

"I am filled with humidity."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

"I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing

"This is a real competitive business."
- A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded

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