Anger, Violence, ...

Sometimes I aim to please, but mostly I just shoot to kill.

Never try to extort more than it would cost to have you killed.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Everything I need to know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.

Thought for the day:
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or screw it, piss on it and walk away.

Thought for the day:
Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures... Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head!

Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Wait ... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

I'm sorry, do I resemble your therapist?

I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

When the only tool you have is a claw hammer everything starts to look like the back of someone's skull.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
- Robert Orben

Rome wasn't sacked in a day.

It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a Viking to raze a village.

When you get angry, take a breath and count to 10.
Throw a punch at 8.
Nobody expects that.

I'm sorry I slapped you ...
But you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push all your buttons.
I was just looking for mute.

As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I'm multitalented.
I can talk, annoy and irritate you all at the same time.

Live, laugh, love.
If that doesn't work, load, aim and fire.

Never go to bed angry ... Stay awake and plot revenge.

You know how you can smack something to get it to work?
I wish I could do that with people.

I never said I hated you.
I just said that if you were on fire, I might consider roasting marshmallows.
Big difference.

The path to inner peace begins with just four words.
Not My Fucking Problem.

Some people just need a hug ... around the neck ... with a rope.

A friend will have your back in a fight ...
A best friend will already have the body-bag unzipped for the fucktard that pissed you off.

I think it's funny to haggle over the price with hookers if you're just going to kill them anyway.

You can't always control who walks into your life ... but you can control which window you throw them out of.

Don't break someones heart, they only have one.
Break their bones, they have 206.

It costs nothing to be nice, but it's a lot more fun being an asshole.

Some old people remind me of old TV sets. You have to hit them a few times until they get the picture.

I realized I might have a road rage problem when my son started yelling "pick a lane asshole," in the grocery store.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.
I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
- Jake Johansen

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