Spelling, Grammar, Writing, Books...

Did you hear about the patient who went to his doctor and told him "I'm afraid I've caught poetry."
The doctor replied, "Oh really? Well, don't worry sir. I used to suffer from short stories."
The patient asked, "Really? When?"
"Oh, once upon a time."

Autocorrect:
Quit changing my curse words you mother forklift!

The man who created autocorrect has died.
Restaurant in pieces.

The man who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

Oh damn. Again autocorrect makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

Hey son, can you help me rape these leaves?
Oh damn, stupid autocorrect.

Frankly autocorrect, I'm getting a bit tired of your shirt.

Grammar Police: To Serve and Correct.

Son: What's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel?
Dad: Well, that's your uncle Frank's ashes. It was his favorite beer mug. He always said it would be funny. Never got why.
Son: Maybe it's so he could be Frank in Stein?

I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

A writer walks into a murder scene, sees a dead body on the floor with Your Next written on the wall in blood.
He dips his finger in the blood and writes You're.

I'm reading a horror story in braille.
Somthing bad is going to happen ... I can feel it.

Am I bi-lingual if I can speak fluent English and sarcasm?

It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws.

I before E except after C disproved by SCIENCE.

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Too.

I don't judge people based on race, creed, color or gender.
I judge people based on spelling, grammar, punctuation and sentence structure.

Grammar:
The difference between:
Knowing your shit
and
Knowing you're shit.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws; the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Let's eat kitty.
Let's eat, kitty.
Commas save lives.

Lets eat kids.
Lets eat, kids.
Punctuation saves lives.

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

Spelling is important.
When someone tells you a band of ? looters ? luters ? is approaching you won't know if you should expect pillage or serenades.

You can't spell "slaughter" without "laughter."

You can't run through a campground!
You can only ran, because it's past tents...

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.
It was a tense situation.

Dear people who type in all lowercase,
We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Sincerely,
Capital Letters

Three Voices In Writing:
1) Active Voice: You ate all the bacon.
2) Passive Voice: All the bacon was eaten (by you)
3) Passive-Aggressive Voice: You ate all the bacon and no one else got any. Don't worry; it's fine. Clearly, you needed that bacon.

If you were in my novel, I'd have killed you by now.

If you've ever dated a bookworm, raise your hand.
If you haven't, raise your standards.

Don't write so that you can be understood, write so that you can't be misunderstood.
- President William Taft

You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.
- Ray Bradbury

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Classics Summarized:
War And Peace - Everyone is sad. It snows.
The Grapes Of Wrath - Farming sucks. Road Trip! Road trip sucks.
Wuthering Heights - A sort-of brother and sister fall in love. It's foggy.
The Odyssey - War veteran takes forever to get home then kills everyone.
The Canterbury Tales - Medieval version of "99 Bottles of Beer."
MacBeth - Old ladies convince a guy to ruin Scotland.
Ulysses - Dublin, something, something, something, run-on sentence.
The Sun Also Rises - Lost generation gets drunk. They're still lost.
The Brothers Karamazov - Brothers are very contentious, like their father. Also Russia.
The Catcher In The Rye - Moody teen complains a lot. He has a red hat.
1984 - Vision of a dystopian future (now called Tuesday).
Lord Of The Flies - Marooned boys are bad at everything except killing each other.
Crime And Punishment - Murderer feels bad. Confesses. Goes to jail. Feels better.
Dante's Inferno - All hell breaks loose.
Don Quixote - Guy attacks windmills. Also, he's mad.
Moby Dick - Man vs. whale. Whale wins.
Walden - Man sits outside for two years. Nothing happens.
Beowulf - Hero kills monster. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Dragon kills hero.

Why English Is Hard To Learn
We'll begin with box; the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes,
One fowl is a goose, and two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose is never called meese.
You can find a lone mouse or a house full of mice;
But the plural of house is houses not hice.
The plural of man is always men.
But the plural of pan is never pen.
If I speak of a foot, and you show me two feet,
And I give you a book, would a pair be a beek?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't two booths be called beeth?
If the singular's this and the plural is these,
Should the plural of kiss be ever called keese?
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
When the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him;
Just imagine the feminine... she, shis, and shim!
- James Donovan

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