INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says "how do you know?"
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is piling up!"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that "when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature."
She said "I would like to come back as a cow."
I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

I don't like people that are one-uppers. I had an ex like that. I'd find a $5 bill on the street and she'd tell me about the time she found a $20.
Or we'd watch Titanic and I'd have to hear about how she had way more than 1,200 people go down on her.
- Pete Stegemeyer @itspeterj

wife: "What sounds good?"
husband: "A blow job."
wife:
husband:
Applebee's waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.

"Does it make my bum look big?" asked my wife, trying on the skirt I'd bought her.
"Of course not. That skirt looks great, I love that skirt! That is why I bought it for you!"
"Oh thank you!" she gushed.
"So I'll be fucked if I'm going to sit here while you blame that skirt for your fat ass!"

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and no one hears it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw. Just in case.

Women are a lot like video games. When they get too difficult, you have to cheat.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent. They don't listen. They don't come in when you call. They like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

My wife has a mood ring on her finger. When it lights up green, she is happy. When it makes a red mark on my forehead, she is mad.

My love is like a candle, if you forget me, I will burn your f*cking house down.

I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.

I can't wait to see how strong my feminist girlfriend's ethics are on Valentine's Day.
As a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man, I'm sure she'll be delighted to find out she can buy her own fucking chocolates and flowers.

Just remember, behind every angry woman there is a man with absolutely no fucking clue about what the hell he's done wrong.

Q: What's the advantage of dating homeless girls?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.

Dating as an adult is like going to the dump and looking around for the least broken and disgusting thing.

Let's face it girls, men were only put on this earth because vibrators can't buy a round of drinks.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

I went to see an escort last night. She advertised a "real girlfriend experience."
When I got there she opened the door and said "You're late, I bet you've been down the pub."
We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.

My young son came up to me and asked what a vagina was, so I explained it to him.
He asked "Does Mummy have one"?
I replied "Yes son, all women have one."
"Whats Mummy's vagina like"? he asked.
"You tell me son, you were the last bloke anywhere near it" I replied.

They say sex during pregnancy is good for your love life.
It cost me my marriage.

I just saved tons of money on Valentines Day by switching to single.

Happy Valentine's day! So ladies, don't worry about getting me what you got me last year.
I've got enough restraining orders already.

I'm giving the wife something for Valentine's that will spice up my sex life.
A divorce.

I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her pal saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine's Day.
I hope she finds someone nice.

This is going to be the 1st Valentine's Day I was single in 10 years. I'm excited.
I just hope the wife feels the same way when she finds out.

Valentine's Day is a day where a lot of married men are reminded what a bad shot Cupid was.

I gave my wife sexy lingerie for Valentine's Day,
Well, I had to really......... She found it in my glove compartment.

If you lose your wife when shopping, don't spend ages looking for her. Just stare at a young woman with big tits and your wife will magically appear beside you staring at you.

I want to leave this world like I came in it.
Wrecking a 19 year old pussy.

Girls, if a guy says 'fuck me' during a Valentine's dinner, he's not getting horny.
He's just seen the prices on the menu.

I feel sorry for the millions of people who won't receive a Valentine's Day card this year.
Still, it's their own fault for getting married.

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive on Valentine's Day by 90 percent.
Wedding cake.

For Dads.. Fathers Day,
For Mothers.. Mothers Day,
For Lovers...Valentines Day,
but for Wankers there is Palm Sunday.

Roses are red
violets are blue.
Why buy her flowers
when Rohypnol will do

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
vodka costs less,
than dinner for two.

Girl: I identify as non-binary gender fluid pan sexual.
Boy (trying to impress girl): I'm mentally ill too.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the Super Bowl. He didn't realize when he bought them that it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
If you know someone who would be interested and would like to go in his place, it's at St. Peter's Church on Meyer Blvd in KC, MO at 5 pm.

My wife is leaving me to go to Vegas. Claims she can "get 1000 a night for what she does for me for nothing".
I'm going too. I want to see how she lives on 2000 a year.

I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is:
She bought me some Viagra;
And I've bought her a treadmill.

Him: I try to talk to her and she just mumbles and throws gang signs at me.
Her: *signals* I'm deaf

Sorry honey, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, just like stupid falls from yours.

You can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water.
If it sinks - girl ant.
If it floats - buoyant.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
For instance, if they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Dads
Against
Daughters
Dating
Shoot the first one and the word will spread.

The Wizard Of Oz is the ultimate chick flick.
Two women are trying to kill each other over shoes.

Baby, you are the
Love of my life.
Only you are so
Wonderful and giving.
Just want to
Offer my love to my
Beautiful woman.
Please be mine this Valentine's Day.

If you think seven years of bad luck are too much for breaking a mirror ...
Try breaking a condom.

A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.

My ex-wife brought religion into my life.
I never believed in hell til I met her.

Woman: Why don't they ever make a movie about what happens after the big kiss?
Man: They do. It's called porn.

What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts?"

The three biggest tragedies in a man's life.
Life sucks, job sucks and a wife that doesn't.

Sex is like air.
It's not important until you're not getting any.

I once asked a prostitute if she's ever been picked up by the fuzz before.
She was like, "naw, but you can sling me around by my titties if you pay extra."

Girls mature faster than guys.
Because men don't develop breasts until their mid 40's.

Why did God create the yeast nfection?
So women could know what it's like living with an irritating cunt too.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

Feminist Message Board Conversation
Member 1: Hi. Are you a feminist?
Member 2: Yes
Member 1: Awesome. I need some help.
Member 2: What's wrong?
Member 1: Well. You can't consent to sex if your drunk, right?
Member 2: Right
Member 1: Well, last night I got really drunk and had sex. I feel like I was raped.
Member 2: That's horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Member 1: But it wasn't my fault, right? I was taken advantage of?
Member 2: Of course. It wasn't your fault at all. Don't blame yourself.
Member 1: Good. Because that's what I keep telling my girlfriend, but she keeps accusing me of cheating. I told her I couldn't consent, but she wants to break up with me.
Member 2: WELL YOU WERE CHEATING YOU MALE PIG SLUT. FUCK OFF!
Member 1: B-but... You just said it wasn't my fault.
Member 2:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one and he was shot by the woman's husband.

If Beauty and the Beast teaches us one thing, it's that looks don't matter. As long as you're a billionaire who owns a castle.

Feminism.
A group of girls chasing after an attractive guy: socially acceptable
A group of mens chasing after an attractive woman: gang rape

Things men do that upset women.
1. Lie to them.
2. Tell them the truth.
3. Avoid talking to them.
4. Spend too much time talking to them.
5. Avoid showing any emotion.
5. Showing too much emotion.
7. Breathing.

Her: I don't like these things about you, you need to change.
Him: Okay, but here are some things you could change.
Her: If you can't accept me as I am we shouldn't be together.

Employment panel to female applicant:
No ma'am. A gang bang isn't proof you can work as part of a team.

A woman's place is on a man's face.

Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

If women think men are all the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one?

When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, she said, "Just gimme something with diamonds." That's why I got her a pack of cards.

Subtly and sensitively tell your girlfiend she's fat by leaving your browser open with a search for "How do I tell my girlfriend she's fat."

When you said "Friends With Benefits" I assumed you owned a liquor store.

Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.

If women are so good at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

Guys love it when I tell them I'm "bi" on the first date. I let them figure the "polar" part on their own. A girl has to be mysterious after all.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and no one hears it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
... just in case.

Adventures In Texting
Hey. What are you doing
Texting the most beautiful girl in the world.
Oh! How cute.
Yes! But she is not replying, so I'm texting you.

The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating.
While the human female prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

A man says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery."
His wife replies, "I'd take half the money and leave your sorry ass."
The husband replies, "Good. I won 12 dollars. Here is 6. Now get out."

My wife asked me to whisper dirty things in her ear.
I responded with kitchen, bathroom, living room.
I woke up in the hospital.

At least life wants to fuck me.

An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse he's been living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. The end.

Birth control pills should be for men.
It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

Women can argue for 3 hours straight, but 2 minutes into a bj and her jaw hurts.

You can't say happiness without penis.

Boobs prove that men can focus on two things at once.

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.
Its when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

Who is your real friend?
This really works!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.
Unless you're in prison.

If vaginas weren't meant to be kissed, they would't have lips.

I don't get all the posts about girls taking their bras off after a long day and how it is "the best feeling in the world" and how a guy will never understand.
When a bra comes off it is the best feeling in the world for us too!

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
- Benny Hill

Call a girl beautiful a thousand times, and she never believes you.
Call her fat once, and she never forgets.

Girls just wanna have funds.

I will always love the false image I had of you.

A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'"
- Conan O'Brien

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!"
"I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
- Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
- Christopher Case


Women's History Month

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


Why are cyclones and tornadoes usually named after women?
Because when they come they make a hell of a noise and when they go they take half your house with them.
Or
because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.


A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain."

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided that he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.


A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked,"Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies!"


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


Q: How many married men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The wives get sick of asking and change it themselves.

Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
A: She fits into your wife's clothes.

Q: Why are there so many female archeologists?
A: Because they love digging up the past.

Q: How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A: When her favorite sexual position is next door.

Q: What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A: A bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator and goes to bed. A married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the refrigerator.

Q: You know why Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married. She didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why don't women blink during sex?
A: They don't have enough time.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: Why are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones.

Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair?
A: Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.

Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: Why is a blow job like lobster thermidor?
A: Because you can't get either one at home.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: Why do women pay more attention to how they look than to improving their mind?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: What's the difference between a woman with P.M.S. and a rottweiler?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!

Q: Why are women like screen doors?
A: Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.

Q: What's the definition of a wife?
A: It's a thing that you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: How are women like parking spaces?
A: The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand to see a man having fun.

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A: Money.

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: Why did God make man first?
A: He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

Q: What's love?
A: The delusion that one woman is different from another.

Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists couldn't breed.

Q: Why can't you trust women?
A: How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: Did you hear about the new all-female delivery service called UPMS?
A: They deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.

Q: Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
A: Because they're ugly and they smell.

Q: Why did God give women legs?
A: So they don't leave slug tracks.

Q: Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.

Q: What's the definition of "virgin wool."
A: A sheep the farmer hasn't caught yet.

Q: Why do mermaids wear sea shells?
A: Because the b-shells were too small and the d-shells were too big.

Q: What did the stockbroker's wife say when he caught her cheating on him?
A: "Sorry, dear, but I'm going public."

Q: Did you hear about the new morning-after pill for men?
A: It changes their DNA.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: When does a woman care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

Q: Why do bald men have holes in their pants?
A: So they can run their fingers through their hair!

Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men have boyfriends.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know, it's never been done.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: What is the difference between men and women.
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
A: A crazy bitch who will find you!

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