If a girl ever pulls a knife on you during an argument ... pull out bread, ham and mayo. Instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.
him: Dang girl. Are you a math textbook?
her: No. Why?
him: Cuz you got a lot of problems.
My ex-wife meets weekly with Satan for lesssons in how to be evil.
I have no idea how much she charges him.
Fellow husbands, if your wife complains that the house is cold
all you have to do is tell her she'll warm up if she does the housework.
Follow me for more marriage tips.
- DadMann_walking
I've been reading "Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum
was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of
his youth, energy and any joy in life.
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.
My life hasn't been the same since my accident?
What accident?
The one where I got my finger stuck in that wedding ring.
Some girls be claiming "He's my world" but that's your 4th "world" in 2 months. Are you building a solar system?
Wife: I'm not talking to you.
Husband: OK.
Wife: Don't you want to know the reason?
Husband: No, I respet and trust your decision!
She said she missed me.
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman it's harassment,
but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 a minute?
Every girl is bi.
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his
stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help," she said.
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
Dear mother-in-law
Every woman has at least one challenge in her life ...
she's either married to it or gives birth to it.
To my children:
The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart.
Fun Fact:
She left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,
they would eventually find me attractive.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body...
men are so polite they only look at the covered part.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week.
Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
When I dunk my cookies I think of you ... and hold them under until
the bubbles stop.
A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a
man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For
examp|e: if she is ovulating. she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features.
A woman was surprised to find an old picture of herself,
younger, slimmer and falling in love with her future
husband standing by his car. When she showed him the
picture he said, "Wow, look at that. It's my old car.
Wife: I have some used clothing I'd like to donate.
Wife: I have blisters on my fingers from the broom.
A single ant can live to be 29 years old.
The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is
glucose guardian.
A biological male won a woman's beauty pageant in Nevada.
Sarah Thomas will become the first woman to referee a Super Bowl.
MEN: Please put the toilet seat down when you are done.
Man at pharmacy: Do you have Viagra for women?
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral
houswife and now I have a new life goal.
I have the most loving wife. Last night I woke up while
she was holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect
me from Covid19.
All men should make coffee for their women.
Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today?
I'm looking for a girl with personality.
Returned from Walmart with the wife.
Took our masks off.
It turned out it was the wrong wife!
Be attentive!
How long is this social distancing supposed to last?
Woman's Ass Size Study:
A group of adolescent boys were gathered in a circle and were
amusing themselves by abusing themselves.
I was in a London pub on a Saturday night. Had a few drinks.
I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had
strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
Man 1: Since when do you wear thongs?
When a woman gets pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says "Congratulations."
Nobody rubs a man's balls and says "Good job."
Japanese scientists claim to have created a camera with a shutter speed
so fast, they can now photograph a women with her mouth shut.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"
What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I was explaining to my wife last night that "when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So
I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
I don't like people that are one-uppers. I had an ex like that.
I'd find a $5 bill on the street and she'd tell me about the time
she found a $20.
wife: "What sounds good?"
"Does it make my bum look big?" asked my wife, trying on the skirt I'd bought her.
Women are a lot like video games.
When they get too difficult, you have to cheat.
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent.
They don't listen. They don't come in when you call. They like to
stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left
alone and sleep.
My wife has a mood ring on her finger.
When it lights up green, she is happy.
When it makes a red mark on my forehead, she is mad.
My love is like a candle, if you forget me, I will burn your
f*cking house down.
I can't wait to see how strong my feminist girlfriend's ethics are
on Valentine's Day.
Just remember, behind every angry woman there is a man with
absolutely no fucking clue about what the hell he's done wrong.
Dating as an adult is like going to the dump and looking
around for the least broken and disgusting thing.
Let's face it girls, men were only put on this earth because
vibrators can't buy a round of drinks.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe,
so basically a clown ninja.
I went to see an escort last night. She advertised a
"real girlfriend experience."
My young son came up to me and asked what a vagina was, so I explained it to him.
They say sex during pregnancy is good for your love life.
I just saved tons of money on Valentines Day
by switching to single.
Happy Valentine's day! So ladies, don't worry about getting me what you got me last year.
I'm giving the wife something for Valentine's that will spice up my sex life.
I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her pal saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine's Day.
This is going to be the 1st Valentine's Day I was single in 10 years. I'm excited.
Valentine's Day is a day where a lot of married men are reminded what a bad shot Cupid was.
I gave my wife sexy lingerie for Valentine's Day,
If you lose your wife when shopping, don't spend ages looking for her.
Just stare at a young woman with big tits and your wife will magically
appear beside you staring at you.
I want to leave this world like I came in it.
Girls, if a guy says 'fuck me' during a Valentine's dinner, he's not getting horny.
I feel sorry for the millions of people who won't receive a Valentine's Day card this year.
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive on Valentine's Day by 90 percent.
For Dads.. Fathers Day,
Roses are red
Roses are red,
Girl: I identify as non-binary gender fluid pan sexual.
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.
A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the Super Bowl. He didn't
realize when he bought them that it was going to be on the
same day as his wedding.
My wife is leaving me to go to Vegas. Claims she can "get $1000
a night for what she does for me for nothing".
I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started
to have erection difficulties.
Him: I try to talk to her and she just mumbles and throws gang signs at me.
Sorry honey, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, just like stupid falls from yours.
You can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
Dads
The Wizard Of Oz is the ultimate chick flick.
Baby, you are the
If you think seven years of bad luck are too much for
breaking a mirror ...
A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.
My ex-wife brought religion into my life.
Woman: Why don't they ever make a movie about what happens after the big kiss?
What idiot called it "leaving right after sex"
and not "nuts and bolts?"
The three biggest tragedies in a man's life.
Sex is like air.
I once asked a prostitute if she's ever been picked up by the fuzz before.
Girls mature faster than guys.
Why did God create the yeast infection?
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Feminist Message Board Conversation
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
If Beauty and the Beast teaches us one thing, it's that looks don't matter.
As long as you're a billionaire who owns a castle.
Feminism.
Things men do that upset women.
Her: I don't like these things about you, you need to change.
Employment panel to female applicant:
A woman's place is on a man's face.
Wife: Why are you home so early?
If women think men are all the same,
then why do they worry so much about picking the right one?
When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, she said,
"Just gimme something with diamonds." That's why I got her a pack of cards.
Subtly and sensitively tell your girlfiend she's fat by leaving
your browser open with a search for "How do I tell my girlfriend she's fat."
When you said "Friends With Benefits" I assumed you owned a liquor store.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else because
my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less
fortunate.
If women are so good at multitasking, how come they can't have a
headache and sex at the same time?
Guys love it when I tell them I'm "bi" on the first date.
I let them figure the "polar" part on their own.
A girl has to be mysterious after all.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and no one hears it,
you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Adventures In Texting
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating.
A man says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery."
My wife asked me to whisper dirty things in her ear.
At least life wants to fuck me.
An old man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse he's been
living with for the last 40 years. The wizard says, "Maybe, but you'll
have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. The end.
Birth control pills should be for men.
Women can argue for 3 hours straight, but 2 minutes into a bj and her jaw hurts.
You can't say happiness without penis.
Boobs prove that men can focus on two things at once.
Every girl wants to be swept off her feet.
Who is your real friend?
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.
If vaginas weren't meant to be kissed, they would't have lips.
I don't get all the posts about girls taking their bras off after a long day
and how it is "the best feeling in the world" and how a guy will never
understand.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
Call a girl beautiful a thousand times, and she never
believes you.
Girls just wanna have funds.
I will always love the false image I had of you.
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: 'Duh.'"
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to
me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!"
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her
new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her
dad."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what
does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is
wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
An English professor wrote the words,
"woman without her man is nothing" on the
blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand
how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper
thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain."
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
When he found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided that he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman that
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like
just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will
die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies!"
Smart man + smart woman = romance
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next."
Q: What's the advantage of dating homeless girls?
Q: How many married men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
Q: Why are there so many female archeologists?
Q: How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
Q: What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
Q: You know why Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage?
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
Q: Why don't women blink during sex?
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Q: Why are women and rocks alike?
Q: Why do men fart more than women?
Q: Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair?
Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Q: Why is a blow job like lobster thermidor?
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
Q: Why do women pay more attention to how they look than to improving their mind?
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
Q: What's the difference between a woman with P.M.S. and a rottweiler?
Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?
Q: Why are women like screen doors?
Q: What's the definition of a wife?
Q: How are women like parking spaces?
Q: Why do women have tits?
Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Q: Why do women have periods?
Q: Why did God make man first?
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
Q: What's love?
Q: Why did God create lesbians?
Q: Why can't you trust women?
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
Q: Did you hear about the new all-female delivery service called UPMS?
Q: Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Q: Why did God give women legs?
Q: Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
Q: What's the definition of "virgin wool."
Q: Why do mermaids wear sea shells?
Q: What did the stockbroker's wife say when he caught her cheating on
him?
Q: Did you hear about the new morning-after pill for men?
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
Q: When does a woman care for a man's company?
Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?
Q: Why do bald men have holes in their pants?
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q: Why do little boys whine?
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
Q: What is the difference between men and women.
Q: What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?
If there is no menu on the left side of the screen, you need to click here to activate the menu.
Normally that would be a good thing.
- Uncouth.Haiku
You just have to figure out if it's polar or sexual.
- HamCarless
"Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers.
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
Please don't tell me how to raise my kids.
I'm living with one of yours and he is not perfect.
Don't make fun of me for asking about my cell phone.
I once taught you how to use a spoon.
The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking then men spend actually thinking.
I opened it and it works just fine.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged
in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subiect.
Husband: Just throw it away, it's easier.
Wife: There are people starving that could use these.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothing is not starving.
Husband is recovering from a head injury.
Husband: Next time take the car.
What about a married one?
What a progressive message to send to young girls.
No matter what you do, men will always be better than you at it.
Including being a woman!
She will do great. Women are really good at pointing out
what men do wrong.
Thanks in advance, the women.
LADIES: You are strong, independent women who don't need no
man to put the toilet seat down for you. You got this.!
In support of Gender Equality, the men.
Pharmacist: There's a jewelry store across the street.
It says it right in the Bible ...
Hebrews.
No.
Better luck tomorrow.
Unfortunately, you have too many.
My husband keeps trying to get into the house.
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.
30% of women think their ass is too fat.
60% say they don't care, they love him and wouldn't trade him for the world.
Along came an old man and immediately knew what was happening.
"Boys, that's disgusting!!! If you keep doing it, you will go blind."
The old man departs in a huff.
After a long silence, one of the boys speaks up, "Let's just do it
until we have to wear glasses."
One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's Wales, you idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized, and asked, "Sorry, are you two whales
from Scotland?"
That's all I remember!
Man 2: Since my wife found one in my truck and I told her it was mine.
"No," she answered.
I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
- Bob Kostic
Tri-weekly
Try Weekly
and
Try Weakly
- Bob Kostic
The operator says "how do you know?"
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is piling up!"
She said "I would like to come back as a cow."
I said, "You're obviously not listening."
Or we'd watch Titanic and I'd have to hear about how she had way
more than 1,200 people go down on her.
- Pete Stegemeyer @itspeterj
husband: "A blow job."
wife:
husband:
Applebee's waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
"Of course not. That skirt looks great, I love that skirt! That is why I bought it for you!"
"Oh thank you!" she gushed.
"So I'll be fucked if I'm going to sit here while you blame that skirt for your fat ass!"
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love
in a cat.
As a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man, I'm sure she'll
be delighted to find out she can buy her own fucking chocolates and
flowers.
When I got there she opened the door and said "You're late,
I bet you've been down the pub."
We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.
He asked "Does Mummy have one"?
I replied "Yes son, all women have one."
"Whats Mummy's vagina like"? he asked.
"You tell me son, you were the last bloke anywhere near it" I replied.
It cost me my marriage.
I've got enough restraining orders already.
A divorce.
I hope she finds someone nice.
I just hope the wife feels the same way when she finds out.
Well, I had to really......... She found it in my glove compartment.
Wrecking a 19 year old pussy.
He's just seen the prices on the menu.
Still, it's their own fault for getting married.
Wedding cake.
For Mothers.. Mothers Day,
For Lovers...Valentines Day,
but for Wankers there is Palm Sunday.
violets are blue.
Why buy her flowers
when Rohypnol will do.
Violets are blue,
vodka costs less,
than dinner for two.
Boy (trying to impress girl): I'm mentally ill too.
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an
alliance with the French.
If you know someone who would be interested and would like
to go in his place, it's at St. Peter's Church on Meyer Blvd
in KC, MO at 5 pm.
I'm going too. I want to see how she lives on $2000 a year.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is:
She bought me some Viagra;
And I've bought her a treadmill.
Her: *signals* I'm deaf
If it sinks - girl ant.
If it floats - buoyant.
For instance, if they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
Against
Daughters
Dating
Shoot the first one and the word will spread.
Two women are trying to kill each other over shoes.
Love of my life.
Only you are so
Wonderful and giving.
Just want to
Offer my love to my
Beautiful woman.
Please be mine this Valentine's Day.
Try breaking a condom.
I never believed in hell til I met her.
Man: They do. It's called porn.
Life sucks, job sucks and a wife that doesn't.
It's not important until you're not getting any.
She was like, "naw, but you can sling me around by my titties if you pay extra."
Because men don't develop breasts until their mid 40's.
So women could know what it's like living with an irritating cunt too.
Call and tell her about it.
Member 1: Hi. Are you a feminist?
Member 2: Yes
Member 1: Awesome. I need some help.
Member 2: What's wrong?
Member 1: Well. You can't consent to sex if your drunk, right?
Member 2: Right
Member 1: Well, last night I got really drunk and had sex. I feel like I was raped.
Member 2: That's horrible. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Member 1: But it wasn't my fault, right? I was taken advantage of?
Member 2: Of course. It wasn't your fault at all. Don't blame yourself.
Member 1: Good. Because that's what I keep telling my girlfriend, but she keeps accusing me of cheating. I told her I couldn't consent, but she wants to break up with me.
Member 2: WELL YOU WERE CHEATING YOU MALE PIG SLUT. FUCK OFF!
Member 1: B-but... You just said it wasn't my fault.
Member 2:
A friend of mine was wearing one and he was shot by the woman's husband.
A group of girls chasing after an attractive guy: socially acceptable
A group of mens chasing after an attractive woman: gang rape
1. Lie to them.
2. Tell them the truth.
3. Avoid talking to them.
4. Spend too much time talking to them.
5. Avoid showing any emotion.
5. Showing too much emotion.
7. Breathing.
Him: Okay, but here are some things you could change.
Her: If you can't accept me as I am we shouldn't be together.
No ma'am. A gang bang isn't proof you can work as part of a team.
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
... just in case.
Hey. What are you doing
Texting the most beautiful girl in the world.
Oh! How cute.
Yes! But she is not replying, so I'm texting you.
While the human female prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
His wife replies, "I'd take half the money and leave your sorry ass."
The husband replies, "Good. I won 12 dollars. Here is 6. Now get out."
I responded with kitchen, bathroom, living room.
I woke up in the hospital.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Its when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.
This really works!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend in the trunk
of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Unless you're in prison.
When a bra comes off it is the best feeling in the world for us too!
- Benny Hill
Call her fat once, and she never forgets.
- Rita Rudner
- Conan O'Brien
- Bob Ettinger
"I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why
would I want someone like you?'"
- Larry Miller
- Christopher Case
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around
Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't
paying attention to where I was going."
Women's History Month
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
Why are cyclones and tornadoes usually named after women?
Because when they come they make a hell of a noise and when they go they take half your house with them.
Or
because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family
business.
A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his
first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting
subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a
young woman in the front row and asked,"Do you know what your asshole is doing
while you're having an orgasm?"
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
A: None. The wives get sick of asking and change it themselves.
A: She fits into your wife's clothes.
A: Because they love digging up the past.
A: When her favorite sexual position is next door.
A: A bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator and goes to bed. A married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the refrigerator.
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married. She didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
A: They don't have time.
A: They don't have enough time.
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
A: You skip the flat ones.
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
A: Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.
A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
A: Marriage.
A: Because you can't get either one at home.
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
A: They want to.
A: Lipstick.
A: Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!
A: Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
A: It's a thing that you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
A: The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
A: So men will talk to them.
A: They can't stand to see a man having fun.
A: Money.
A: Because they deserve them.
A: He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.
A: Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?
A: The delusion that one woman is different from another.
A: So feminists couldn't breed.
A: How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
A: They deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.
A: Because they're ugly and they smell.
A: So they don't leave slug tracks.
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
A: A sheep the farmer hasn't caught yet.
A: Because the b-shells were too small and the d-shells were too big.
A: "Sorry, dear, but I'm going public."
A: It changes their DNA.
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
A: When he owns it.
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the
bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
A: So they can run their fingers through their hair!
A: E.T. phoned home.
A: A rumor.
A: Because those men have boyfriends.
A: Three: one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about
the screwing part.
A: They are practicing to be men.
A: They can't stand criticism.
A: Trustworthy.
A: We don't know, it's never been done.
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
A: A crazy bitch who will find you!
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