Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals".

Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why should men be like department stores?
A: Their clothes should always be half off.

Q: Why are men like vacations?
A: They never seem to be long enough.

Q: Why are men like computers?
A: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Q: Why are men like coolers?
A: Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Q: Why are men like chocolate bars?
A: Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Q: Why are men like coffee?
A: The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Q: Why are men like horoscopes?
A: They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Q: Why are men like plungers?
A: They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Q: Why are men like floor tiles?
A: If you lay 'em right the first time, you can walk on 'em for years.

Q: Why are men like cement?
A: After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns.

Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.

Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.

Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
A: He wouldn't ask for directions.

Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they're already pigs.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard that the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q: Why is a man's pea yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know, it has never happened.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
A: It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2" floppy.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a pretty blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Men-tal Anxiety.
Men-tal Breakdown.
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

Women's History Month

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good.

He's dead.


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

A friend of mine confused her vallium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?"

Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).

Gay, straight... they all want blow jobs.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impluse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their shit.

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