Here are a selection of personals ads from a variety of sources.

I'm a short, fat, bald, ugly, unsuccessful, unprofessional, financially insecure, emotional wreck, golddigging, unromantic, humorless, single male couch potato looking for a female spud with no growth potential.

I'm younger than Methuselah, better looking than Quasimodo, taller than Tom Thumb and in better physical shape than a 200 year old man. Most of the body parts I still retain are mostly functional. I have a face made for radio, and a voice made for silent movies. My IQ is higher than my body temperature.

Some of my favorite activities include: eating regularly, and living indoors.

I must have a sense of humor because I laugh whenever I look in the mirror.

- The Cynical Pessimist

Some personal ads pulled out of various newspapers... SWF seeks heavy daddy in big pants. Must have convenience store hours and be unafraid to wear jumpsuit.

Warm and sarcastic guy in late 20's wants to take you to a junkyard.

My dog and I are alot alike. We're both 35, but look and act younger. We're both fit and trim, have dark hair and eyes, we're handsome, funny, intelligent and like all foods. I don't hump my pillow.
- Bay Area Express

Single white male, early 30's, Bay Area native, fit, kind, nice looking, liberal professional. Seeking an imperfect, intelligent, thin female who, like me, has baggage that is small enough to fit under one's seat.

234 yr. old Italian male seeking gorgeous Italian female, 18-24, for romantic dinners, walks and 4-wheel fun.

Girls ever wish you could pee standing up? Stop squatting in the woods, start using urinals. My ex-girlfriend showed me. i can teach you. Individual or group lessons available.
- SF Weekly

Are you an attractive woman with shapely legs, nice figure and a pretty face? Here's a man who will treat you well regardless of your personality.
- Detroit Metro Times

SBM is looking for a woman who likes to let her toenails grow. Marriage is desired.
- Detroit Metro Times

Baby Maker
To women who want babies. I, handsome, WM, will inseminate the natural way.
- Guardian

If you're short/tall, petite/large, young/elderly, blonde/red head/brunette, I'm your man.
- Detroit Metro Times

Seeking sex-loathing insecure woman, terrified of her own body, completely asexual, humorless, narcissistic, for boring conversation, bloody steak dinners, unfiltered Camel smoking marathons, insensitive encounters. Seeker: clitoral-ignorant impotent male.

Do you like claustrophoblc spaces? Anti-social young woman seeks someone who hates the light of day. Smokers and drug takers preferred. No vegetarians. I'm mean, nasty and give as good as I get. Any takers?
- Guardian

Recovering Catholic, WM, 42, with the guilt of a breast fixation, seeks understanding woman for romantic relationship.
- SF Weekly

Major Hooters
Major Bill Hooters, at your service, Ma'am. WM, 47, humorous, liberal, lively, affectionate, seeks busty lady with similar qualities, 35-45, 5'7"-plus, wright in proportion to height.
- Guardian

No Cosmo Readers
Berkeley grad student (24, 5'8", 165lbs, dark hair, eyes, temperament) longs to be seduced by beautiful older woman, 35-ish. My idea of foreplay is getting undressed in front of a mirror. Hobbies include Charlies Angels reruns and baby seal clubbing. You: look great in a bathing suit and can educate me on and off the golf course.
- Guardian

Some personal ads pulled out of various Israeli papers...

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

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