INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

 1979  2019
 long hair  no hair
 keg  EKG
 acid rock  acid reflux
 stems and seeds  fiber
 hoping for a BMW  hoping for a BM
 going to a new, hip, joint  getting a new hip joint
 Rolling Stones  Kidney Stones
 disco  Costco
 whatever  Depends

Everyone under 30: Who's Neil Young?
Everyone age 31-60: I didn't realize he was still alive.
Everyone 61+: What's Spotify?

I started out feeling bold.
Then I lost my "B".

Shout out to old people.
We can't hear that well.

Good News: Made it to my golden years.
Bad News: Ain't no gold.

I went to the shooting range with friends the other day. Afterwards we stopped at Hooters for some wings and a beer.
One of my friends asked, "Which waitress would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?"
I answered, "The one that can fix elevtors."
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.

How to find out if you're old:
Fall down ....
If people laugh, you're young.
If people panic, you're old.

I envy people that grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I'm aging like milk. Getting sour and chunky.

Facebook gives older folks the ability to annoy and embarass our children, and grand children, in a way never before possible.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, and got distracted on my way back.
I have no idea what's going on and now I have to pee.

All my passwords are protected by amnesia.

I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

As you get older, you've got to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years."

I asked my granddaughter to fetch me a newspaper.
She laughed and said, "Granddad. You are so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall and killed that big hairy spider.

The fact that my entire body cracks like a glowstick whenever I move and yet refuses to actually glow is very disappointing.

Being twenty in the seventies was much more fun than being seventy in the twenties.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

When we're young, we sneak out of our house to go to parties.
When we're old, we sneak out of parties to go home.

My generation had Wonder Woman, your generation has to wonder if it's a woman.

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model because almost every time I sneeze, cough, or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old fogies. One of the questions was:
In the event of fire, what steps would you take?
Big ones was apparently the wrong answer.

Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00pm is the new midnight.

An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay and she smiled and said that it's no big deal because she carries her old purse to put her dog's poop in it until she gets home to dispose of it.

Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Don't piss off old people.
The older we get, the less "Life In Prison" is a deterrent.

I hate it when I see some old person and then realize we went to high school together.

As the year comes to an end, I urge you to take care of yourself and avoid accidents because spare parts for old models like us are no longer in stock.

Old people at weddings always poke me and say "You're next."
So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I don't do drugs or drink.
At my age, I get the same effect just standing up too fast.

I asked my Grandpa, "After 65 years, you still call Grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What's the secret?"
He said, "I forgot her name five years ago and I'm scared to ask her."

My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

Back in my day, we didn't have as many warning labels on things.
People weren't so freaking stupid.

I don't know how to act my age.
I've never been this old before.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns:
the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper! It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is better than the alternative.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

An elderly man was driving along the highway and was pulled over by a police officer. The policeman told him that several miles back, the passenger door had opened and the man's wife had fallen out of the car. The man looks over to the passenger seat and says, "Well thank God -- I thought I'd gone deaf!"

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
- Milton Berle

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
- Milton Berle

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
- Robert Benchley

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower.
- Gypsy Rose Lee

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me...your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

First - Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second - The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third - Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth - When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth - You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth - I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh - One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth - One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth - Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth - Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And finally - If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

- Will Rogers

Games For When We Are Older:
01. Sag, you're It.
02. Hide and go pee.
03. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
04. Kick the bucket.
05. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
06. Musical recliners.
07. Simon says something incoherent.
08. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
09. Doc, Doc Goose
10. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
11. Musical Recliners

Signs Of Menopause:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

Old Is When:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to my mum and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mum smiled and then replied "Yes........ I remember."

An older couple is attending church services. About halfway through, the wife writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

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