Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official (TM). With regular maintenance your Government Official (TM) should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services.

Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

01. Which of our fine products did you buy? (Please check all that apply)

     President
     Vice-President
     Senator
     Congressman
     Governor
     Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
     Cabinet Secretary - Other
     Other Elected Official (please specify)
     Other Appointed Official (please specify)

02. How did you hear about your Government Official (TM)? (Please check all that apply)

     TV ad
     Magazine/newspaper ad
     Shared jail cell with
     Former partner of
     Unindicted co-conspirator with
     Procured for
     Related to
     Recommended by lobbyist
     Recommended by organized crime figure
     Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on Internet)
     Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (elsewhere)
     Spoke at fundraiser at my temple
     Solicited bribe from me
     Attempted to seduce me

03. How do you expect to use your Government Official (TM)? (Please check all that apply)

     Obtain lucrative government contracts
     Have my prejudices turned into law
     Obtain diplomatic concessions
     Obtain trade concessions
     Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally
     Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels
     Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress
     Forestall military action against self/allies
     Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest
      Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse
     Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse
     Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups
     Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs

04. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply)

     Performance of currently owned model
     Reputation
     Price
     Appearance
     Party affiliation
     Professed beliefs of Government Official (TM)
     Actual beliefs of Government Official (TM)
     Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government
     Blackmail
     Celebrity endorsement

05. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official (TM)?

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

     Excessive operating/maintenance costs.
     Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
     Defect in current model:
     Dead
     Senile
     Indicted
     Convicted
     Resigned in disgrace
     Switched parties/beliefs
     Outbribed by competing interest

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official (TM) you have chosen the best politician money can buy.

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