A man is drowning 50 feet from shore.

A Republican throws a 25 foot rope and tells the man to swim to it.

A Democrat throws a 50 foot rope, then drops his end and goes off to help someone else.

A Libertarian tells the man he'll throw a rope for $20.

A Socialist complains that the government should have rope throwers stationed around the lake against such an emergency, and America is a third world country for not providing this service.

A Green laments that the man will die and deserves it since he's polluting the water. Then the Green will demand the lake be off limits so further drownings don't hurt aquatic animals.

The EPA will agree with the Greens and fine the man's family, then declare the lake a wetland and refuse to allow removal of anything, including his remains.

A Wahhabist will wait to find out the man's national origin and religion before either cheering his death, or blaming America for failing to save drowning Muslims.

If the man is black, Al Sharpton will fake a bunch of statistics showing blacks are more likely to drown and this is proof of white dominance and repression.

A white nationalist will wait to see if the man can get out alone. If not, he'll claim the man's death is due to inferior genes from other races weakening him.

A feminist will cheer that a future rape has been prevented.

A CEO will demand to know why the man wasn't at work and fire him posthumously.

His insurance company will insist it was a self-inflicted injury and not covered.

A marijuana activist will insist that if the man had smoked a couple of joints, he wouldn't have been in the lake and would have been fine.

A homeopath will grab a tube of the water, dilute it 1:10,000 and sell it as a cure for drowning.

The conspiracy groups will insist the man was killed by the Jewish Banker/Royal Family/FEMA/Bush-0bama conspiracy to keep him from talking.

Greenpeace will insist the man has "Water privilege" and he should be grateful to live in a nation where it's possible to drown.

Hashatag activists will share photos of the incident 6 miliion times with #Icantbreathewater and #yesallponds to draw attention to his plight.

Livestreamers and Youtubers will take video of him drowning, with selfie content to prove they were present. 20% will make duckfaces.

Crowdsourcers will each send in 4" of some sort of twine, string or rope, and wonder why it wasn't successful with a total of 300 feet.

Brian Williams will claim to have been present, under fire, while hauling the man in himself.

Dan Rather will insist that Brian Williams' reports are "fake, but accurate."

Fox News and Breitbart will report that 0bama's immigration policies led to the man drowning due to the resources being used by illegals.

A Former Green Beret Seal Marine will explain the proper way to avoid drowning and offer to sell the video for $24.95.

Anti-Vaxxers wil claim the man was in shock induced by the combination of cold water on a metabolism weakened by the MMR vaccine, and not immunizing your kids will let them develop natural immunity to drowning.

The local police will claim they suspected him of cooking meth, which is why they didn't try to save him but did shoot his dog, and congratulate themselves on going home safe at the end of the shift.

The Bloc Quebecois and La Raza, supported by Occupy, will demand to know why the lake didn't have multilingual warning signs.

Bernie Sanders will Facebook meme that if the man had been at a job paying a $15/hr living wage, he wouldn't have been at the park drowning.

If the man is a cismale heteronormative straight white Christian male, SJWs will complain about the attention paid to him when thousands of POCGLBTQXYZs drown every day without media coverage.

An atheist will claim the man's drowning proved the non-existence of a loving god.

NPR will do a lengthy story interviewing a Georgetown professor about drowning in great works of literature.

Some asshole will insist it's 15.4 meters and Americans should standardize on 15 meters, not 50 feet.

History Channel 2 will insist that aliens were behind the drowning.

MSNBC will insist Republican obstructionism made it impossible for lifeguards to be present, but no one will watch the show anyway.

Eventually some decent person who will strip off, dive in and rescue the guy. Once ashore, they'll find their wallet, watch, and cellphone stolen, and get arrested for indecent exposure. Then the state will sue them for not being licensed for water rescue.

His Congressman will introduce "The Safe Parks and Ponds Act" which will cost $5 billion, result in three agencies writing five different safety standards that are resolved after 7 lawsuits reach the Federal courts, but the rider ban on home-farming of turnips will remain.

A Christian homeschooler will blame secular public education, and make their children study the story of Noah's Ark.

China would issue a statement that the drowned man was violating waters that were their traditional maritime territory.

North Korea issues a statement condemning the drowning as a Capitalist propaganda ploy and claims that every year, a thousand thousand North Koreans drown far more skillfully.

- Michael Z. Williamson, 2015

The Sacred Cow Slaughterhouse Did I Miss Anyone?

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