Ironically, it was our mutual love of astrology-based puns that ultimately taurus apart.

A good pun is its own reword.

Desert humor tends to be dry.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals eat a missionary, they get a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you? "

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard the bull before.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

This door is baroque; please call Bach later.

Q: What is the shortest distance between two puns?
A: A straight line.

Q: Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
A: Both crews were marooned.

Q: Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit?
A: They called it the herd shot round the world.

Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
A: Linoleum blownapart.

Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
A: One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

Q: Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
A: One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novocaine during root canal work?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Q: Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?
A: Litre Vino.

The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

"No, I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive!"

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