INTER-OFFICE MEMORANDUM
TO: All Employees
REF: Early Retirement policy
Due to the financial condition of this corporation, immediate steps are being implemented to reduce the number of older employees and to retain the younger, lower-paid employees throughout the company.
This program to phase out older personnel through early retirement will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged People Early).
Employees who have been R.A.P.E.D will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Also, if they are being R.A.P.E.D, they may request a review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called S.C.R.E.W.E.D. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired-Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D and S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by the Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be R.A.P.E.D once and S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice but may be SHAFTED as many times as the corporation deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel for Early Severance). Since H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit of the plan, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D or S.C.R.E.W.E.D..
The corporation wishes to assure the younger employees who remain, that it will continue it's policy of ensuring that employees are well trained through the S.H.I.T. (Special High-Intensity Training) program. This company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees able to take. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other corporation in the world. However, any employees who feel that he/she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, should speak with his/her immediate supervisor. The supervisors are specially trained to make sure that all employees receive all the S.H.I.T. they can stand.
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