Job Ad Phrases Defined

Advancement opportunity: Crap job.

Entry level: Really crap job.

No experience necessary: The mother of all crap jobs.

Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title.

Ground floor opportunity: Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company: Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player: Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations: Receptionist.

Professional appearance important: $20K/yr. job that requires a $100K/yr. wardrobe.

Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME.

Salary range $24,000 to $32,00: The salary is $24,000.

Jeans job! Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.

B.A. required, master's preferred: Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary.

Civil service: This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

Women and minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the stamp.

Outstanding benefits package: Health insurance.

Tons of variety: We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one job.

Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing.

Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

Secretary: Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary: The most powerful position in the company.

Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

Salary negotiable We'll take the lowest bidder.

Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere: Zombie pod people.

Fun, creative atmosphere: Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere: Zombie pod people from hell.

Gal Friday: Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

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