HALLOWEEN:

On the Twelveth day of Halloween, my scare love gave to me:
Twelve Vampires stalking,
Eleven roses wilting,
Ten zombies biting,
Nine headless horsemen,
Eight werewolves howling,
Seven angels falling,
Six devils dancing,
Five pentagrams!
Four restless ghosts,
Three witches cackling,
Two shrieking skulls,
And a black cat in a dead tree!

I love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute display.

Don't have candy?
Place an empty bowl with a note "Please Help Yourself" outside, kids will think other kids took all the candy.

Ruin Halloween with chocolate covered Brussels Sprouts.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

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l'm going to end the Die Hard is a Christmas movie debate. An outnumbered force with limited resources reclaims a tower that was taken by a foreign invader. That's literally Hanukkah. Die Hard is a Hanukkah movie.

Mark your calendars: December 24
Nakatomi Plaza annual Christmas Party.

Don't forget to leave cigarettes, shoes and a twinkie in the ductwork for John McClain on Christmas Eve.

It's not Christmas until Hans Gruber falls off of Nakatomi Plaza.

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas.
Normally I do a turkey, but hey, if it'll make'm happy ...

To get rid of some junk cluttering your house, pack it in Amazon boxes and leave it on your front step. Merry Christmas, porch pirates.

NEW YEAR:

There are no rules saying your New Year's resoutions can't be for evil.

I was going to give up all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.

THANKSGIVING:

Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds Wednesday night at 1am for Thanksgiving.

I'm addicted to eating Thanksgiving leftovers.
I mean I just can't quit cold turkey.

This year we are having a stress-free Thanksgiving!
I marinated the turkey in vodka and then stuffed it with Xanax.

DEATH / MURDER:

Did you ever meet someone for the first time and want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

I tried donating blood today ... NEVER AGAIN!
Too many stupid questions. Who's blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

I like my women like I like my coffee.
Ground up and in the freezer.

I wish you were dead. And not just because I'm a necropheliac.

Why kill them with kindness when you can use an axe?

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

After my funeral I want one of my friends to take my phone and text everyone "Thanks for coming."

My therapist told me "write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."
Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

It's totally acceptable to tell someone to have a nice day, but if it was phrased as "enjoy your next 24 hours" somehow that's threatening.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: "That's the last thing I need!"

A librarian who is also a serial killer chooses their victims from a pool of people who say things like "You need a degree to be a librarian?", "How nice, you get to read books all day!" and similar phrases.
- MattLibrarian

People are so whiny these days.
These handcuffs are too tight.
There's not enough air in this trunk.
Why are you branding your name on my ass.

That awkward moment when you're digging a hole to hide a body and you find another body,

Remember:
When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it's illegal to dig it up.

When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no.
Not all this "who are you and how did you get in here?" nonsense.

The best way to a man's heart is through the fifth left intercostal space at the midclavicular line.

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.

I'm burying a dollar store skeleton in a shallow grave under my new deck. Should be funny in 30 some years when the next guy is rebuilding it.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astromical.

Dark humor is like necrophilia.
If it doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth, you're doing it wrong.

A patron at a library walks up to the help desk. "I'd like a book on suicide."
The librarian replies. "No. You won't bring it back."

If people make you sick, then maybe you should cook them longer.

Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernnels.
My cremation is going to be epic.

INSULTS:

If you ever start feeling stupid, remember this - ice bags have nutrition information on them.

Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
The courage to change direction when I see them coming.
And the wisdom to not try to smack some sense into them when I can't avoid them.

You're 52 cards short of a full deck.

How to politely tell someone they are stupid.
Wisdom has been chasing you, but you have always been faster.

Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you feel, you might be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Some families have Kodak moments.
Some families have prozac moments.
But our family has straight jacket moments.

My family's coat of arms ties in the back.
Is that normal?

Whenever I'm with family and someone says, "Wow, you have a beautiful family!"
I reply, "Well, we left the ugly ones at home."

Life is too short to be serious all the time.
So, if you can't laugh at yourself, call me ... I'll laugh at you.

I never called you stupid, but when I asked you to spell "orange" and you asked me the fruit or color it kinda caught me off guard.

Some folks can be taught.
Others can learn by example.
The rest have to piss on the electric fence for themselves.

I never make the same mistake twice.
1 make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure.

Everything happpens for a reason.
Sometimes the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions.

Sharp as a marble.

I've neither the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you.

You should walk around carrying a plant so you can replace the oxygen you waste.

You really shouldn't let your mind wander, it's too small to go out on its own.

If you had an original thought in your head, it would die of loneliness.

I have forgotten more than you will ever know.

You're slower than a jar of molassses leaking in a January snowstorm.

I'd hate to see who the second-fastest sperm turned out to be.

You are the reason we have directions on shampoo bottles.

I'm sorry I called you stupid. I thought you already knew.

I won't argue with you since I would never enter a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I worship the ground that awaits you.

You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can’t make them think.

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

You're hard to ignore, but worth the effort.

If I ever said anything that offends you, it was purely intentional.

I've upped my standards. Up yours.

Is there no beginning to your talents?

You are the poster child for retroactive birth control.

I would like to tell you how much I value your opinion but unfortunately you can't measure an amount that small.

Of course I talk like an idiot.
How else could you understand me.

You're overqualified for the position. We're moving ahead with another candidate.

I heard your suggestion, but I suggest we do something intellligent instead.

If I billed on the time to explain this in a way you’d understand, it would wipe out your savings.

It's not that I don't like you, it's that there are things I would rather be doing than talking to you. Like slitting my wrists with a grapefruit spoon.

An infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters in an infinite amount of time will produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare. Your book: three monkeys, five minutes.

She had a photographic memory but never developed it.

My coworker said: "I can't find you on facebook."
I replied: "I found you first and blocked you."

I'm stuck betwen a rock and someone I want to hit with it.

I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody" so when I see someone posting something stupid I can "Like" their post and it will say "Nobody likes this."

Everything happpens for a reason.
Sometimes the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions.

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

I'm not saying you're stupid.
I'm just saying you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Yall stressing about toilet paper, but 90% of your shit comes outta your mouth.

God wasted a good asshole when he put teeth in your mouth.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and walks right by you.

Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe,
a lot of people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

My daughter called me from university, crying that people have been calling her ugly and fat.
I was furious. I could have told her that and it wouldn't have cost me $30,000 a year to do it.

If you want sympathy ...
Look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.

You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.

Your brain ie like the Bermuda Triangle ... Information goes in and then it's never found again.

Some people are soo ... full of shit!
They should have flushing handles instead of ears!

Yo momma’s so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence.
- Napoleon

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm less interested in the increase in artificial intelligence than the decrease in real intelligence.

You have no idea how acutely depressing it is to realize we're from the same species.

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

I totally believe in fuck off at first sight.

OTHER:

They said not to try this at home, so I'm coming over to your house to try it.

I accept my weirdness because trying to deny it is absolutely exhausting.

I'm not antisocial.
I'm just not user friendly.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well I will be out of debt. I'm so excited I can barely put on my sk mask.

I'd like to offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.

I had the slowest, rudest and nastiest cashier today. I'm done using the self checkout.

Every single person who confuses correlation and causation ends up dying.

Did dinosaurs rule the earth?
It has never been proven dinosaurs had administrative skills.

In the 17th century, people were so baroque they were luting in the streets.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can Iisten to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger

I wonder what electric eels were called before electricity was discovered?

Abe: I just saw two cows smoking a joint and playing cards!
Baker: Sounds like the steaks were high.

With great power comes:
A) great responsibility?
B) huge electricity bill?

Fun fact:
A majority of archeologists are women due to their natural ability to dig up the past.

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes.

I just realized the last day of 2023 will be 123123.

Actors in black and white movies were often putting their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren't able to tell if the traffic light was red or green.

Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can't get any worse than it started.

The best thing about being over 50?
We did all our stupid stuff before the invention of the internet so there's no proof.

How do you make a bouncy waterbed?
Use spring water

If you're lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won't feel like you're alone anymore.

Chemsitry Teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Student: I didn't even know they were Catholic.

Barbie didn't give me a poor body image. Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's removed from the body.

Ah, arrogance and stupidity all in the same package. How efficient of you.

I need you all to proofread your posts more carefully.
Because if I steal your post and there are spelling mistakes and stuff, I can't have people thinking I am stupid when it was reeally you.

How come "you're a peach" is a compliment but "you're bananas" is an insult?
Why are we allowing fruit discimination to tear society apart?
Sounds like sour grapes to me.

The fitness trainer asked me, "What kind of squat are you accustomed to doing?"
I said, "Diddly."

Dance like no one is watching, but text like it will be read in court one day.
- your lawyer.

I told a joke on a Zoom meeting, but nobody laughed.
Turns out I'm not remotely funny.

Making everyone happy is impossible. Pissing them off is a piece of cake.
I like cake.

I gave up smoking for good.
Now I smoke for evil.

Disney's evil queens are just princeses who worked in customer servicee too long.

How philosophy works:
You think things <--> You are wrong.

The difference between learning a modern language and an ancient language is that in first year French you learn "Where is the bathroom?" and "How do 1 get to the train station?"
In first year Attic Greek or Latin you learn "I have judged you worthy of death" and "The tyrant had everyone in the city killed."

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

Gardening season is off to a great start:
I planted myself in front of a TV four weeks ago, and I've already grown noticeably.

Question everything.
Why?

To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now.

Any stairway is a stairway to heaven if you're clumsy enough.

Cows kill more people than sharks.
I'm surprised cows kill any sharks at all.

It's never too late to follow your dreams.
Vlad the impaler didn't even start impaling people until his mid-30s.

Hallmark researchers say they are close to developing a second movie plot.
- Babylon Bee

The Earth is 70% water and uncarbonated so it's technically flat.

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise.

Silly putty implies the existence of serious putty.
I believe that is called C4.

A TRUCK DRIVER
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, a coffee and a slice of apple pie. just as he was about to eat them, three big hairy bikers walked in.
The first biker grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a big bite from it.
The second biker picked up the trucker's coffee and downed it in one gulp.
The third biker ate the trucker's apple pie.
The truck driver didn't do anything or say a word as all this went on.
When they finished, he just paid the waitress and left.
The first biker said to the waitress, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He's just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorbikes."

I paid for the whole speedometer.
I'm going to use the whole speedometer.

Quote by a forest ranger at Yosemite National Park on why it is hard to design the perfect garbage bin to keep bears from breaking into it: "There is a considerable overlap between the intellgence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.

Breaking News:
A group of students playing hide and seek in the Harris Fine Arts Center at 11p.m. caused a faculty member to call the University Police.
The police arrived but were not able to find any of the students.

I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don't show anyone goiing to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after their kids.

Don't be part of the problem, be the entire problem.

When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away - and you've got his shoes!

I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.
I ran over five miles today.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today.
But those cops came out of nowhere.

I went to McDonalds and slammed $8.55 on the counter and said, "surprise me cause I never get what I ask for anyways.

Sorry I'm late.
I got here as soon as I wanted to.

When someone tells me I look familiar, I tell them, "I do porn."

If you call me from a private number, I will repect your privacy and not answwer.

Understand paranoid people better by following them around.

Today I passed a drug test at work.
My dealer has some explaining to do.

A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with six dwarves and working in a mine.

Everything will kill you, so choose something fun.

Why does it take 7-10 business days to refund my money ...
When it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account?

Pro Tip:
When being chased by a pack of taxidermists, don't play dead.

Optimists study English;
pessimists study Chinese;
and realists learn to use a Klashnikov.

The all female Ghostbusters movie was so bad that in the middle of the flight people were walking out of the movie.

I was going to take one of those Viking River Cruises until I learned that you don't actually get to loot the towns and monasteries along the way.

Been there, done that, cleaned up the mess afterward.

I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy."
I like to sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones ... that's why they're called "cell" phones.

What does your dad do for a living?
He's a magician.
Is he any good?
Yeah. He disappeared when I was born.

I joined a procrastinator support group.
It's called "Wait Watchers."

I'd get high on life, but drugs work so much faster.

Your head is a snipers dream.

Things I'm super good at:
1. Forgetting someone's name 30 seconds after they tell me.
2. Running. Late, that is.
3. Making plans...then regretting making plans.
4. Thinking of a great comeback an hour later.
5. Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.
6. Adding items to online carts then deleting.
7. Googling my ailments. Then panicking.
8. Leaving laundry to wrinkle in the dryer.
9. Forgetting why I walked into the room.
10. Calculating how much sleep I'll get if I can just "fall asleep right now".

Just for giggles, I replaced my cat litter box with an Amazon shipping box. Now when it's full, I simply tape it shut and put it on my porch for someone to steal.

Reaction to Will Smith Slap.
The Hollywood Academy does not condone violence.
We do support sexual predators.

It appears that Will Smith's marriage is open to everything but jokes.

I always see more people enter Walmart than leave, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.

The only difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer is how hard it is to train a dog to find a prostitute.

I had two Justin Bieber tickets on the front seat of my car, some jackass smashed my window and left four more.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd get up early in the morning to exercise ...
and I was right.

Customer: Hello, I just want to know if I'm covered if I hit any wildlife.
Insurance Agent: Of course sir, what did you hit?
Customer: A trout.

I heard that Bruce Willis is starring in a Lord Of The Rings sequel.
Old Hobbits Die Hard.

I'd like to thank:
My middle finger for always being there, sticking up for me all those times when I needed it most.

Need an ark?
I Noah guy

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it

Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu - you get what you deserve

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A maybe

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?
I don't know and don't really care.

I was originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland--everyday it's Dublin.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

I used to think I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I do it with my eyes closed.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

I just paid for a 12 month gym membership. My bank called to see if my credit card was stolen.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise ... and I was right.

Someone keeps sending me celery, and I don't kinow who it is.
Sounds like you're being ... stalked.

On March 10, 1876 Alexander Graham Bell makes the first phone call ever.
Moments later he is notified thaat his car's exended warranty has expired.

If you get a loan at a bank, you'll be paying it back for 30 years.
If you rob a bank, you'll be out in 10 years.

Fungi puns are my yeast favorite.
There's too much mushroom for error.

Receptionist to patient signing in at a paranoia clinic:
Have a seat, fill this out, and everyone will be out to get you shortly.

When I was young I was poor.
After years of hard work, I am no longer young.

You know its fall in Florida when ... the license plate colors change.

Next time you're feeling down remember life is all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison.

Little Known Fact:
The Rocky Horror Picture Show is the only movie in the Rocky series to not feature Sylvester Stallone.

Don't expect me to stop if you're broken down by the side of the road. You were offered an extended car warranty several times.

Sometimes words aren't enough and that's why we have middle fingers.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the LSD wears off and I realize I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy's parking lot.

On March 10, 1876 Alexander Graham Bell makes the first phone call ever.
and moments later he was notified that his car's extended warranty had expired.

Every corpse on Everest was once a highly motivated person.

When you're at the checkout and the cashier asks, "Did you find everying?"
Ask "Why? Are you hiding stuff?"

There is no need to repeat yourself ... I ignored you just fine the first time.

My mind is exceptionally quiet ... I'm suspicious that I'm up to something I don't want myself to know about.

You are not useless because you can still be used as a bad example.

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

Legalize Recreational Plutonium!

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He repied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the roads...

Dear Algebra:
Please stop asking us to find your X.
She's never coming back and don't ask Y.

You know your're in trouble when the little voices in your head start a chat group.

I read an amazing book on antigravity.
It was impossible to put down.

I once got in a bar fight with the number One.
Three, Five, Seven and Nine jumped in.
The odds were against me.

My friend got a degree in Egyptology. He can't get a job, so he's paying more money to get a PhD. Now he can work teaching other people Egyptology. In his case, college is literally a pyramid scheme.

Chinese take out $8.00
Tip $2.00
Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order, riceless.

Do not try to play crazy with me ...
I'm better at it.

I'm not great at math,
but adding alcohol and subtracting feelings solves most of my problems.

People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it's not out of my way at all.

Instead of "Single" status ...
I prefer "Independently Owned and Operated."

Single, because why let someone else ruin your life when you're perfectly capable of doing it on your own.

Where can I apply for a permanent relationship, I have five years experience, minor trust issues and willing to argue on weekends?

Never go to bed angry.
Stay awake and plot revenge.

I've done some terrible things for money ... like getting up early to go to work.

Don't be mad at lazy people. They didn't do anything.

Gotta love the irony of a generation raised on making prank phone calls only to be terrorized by daily robo-calls.

We're expecting such a cold winter, the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far, three of my relatives have disappeared.

Where do I see myself in a year?
I don't know. I don't have 20/20 vision.

When attacked by a bunch of clowns, go for the juggler.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry ...
Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.
- The Credible Hulk

Why is cocaine white?
Because it actually works!

Life Hack 314
Drinking a few cups of bleach on an empty stomach will remove the genes that cause low IQs, and stop them from replicating.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone ...
Then it dawned on me.

If a knight in Prague dons his armor, does that mean the Czech is in the mail?

The next time you get a call from a blocked or unknown number ...
Answer it and whisper ... "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"
So I tried it and the voice said "good, I have another job for you."

Kids shouldn't play with fireworks.
Let the adults who have been drinking all day set them off!

Did you hear about the depressed man who sued McDonalds after eating a happy meal and was still depressed?

You're my friend, but if zombies chase us, I'm totally tripping you!

You matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light ... twice.
Then you energy.

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time, and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic asks the young artist, "Would you like to hear my opinion of your work?"
"Yes," the artist replies.
"It's worthless," critic says.
"I know," the artist replies, "but let's hear it anyway."

Common sense has become so rare that it should be considered a super power.

Do mannequins in theatrical supply stores have...
Posed Dramatic Dress Syndrome?

There is no safer place than Hogwarts, Harry ...
except for the three headed dog, killer snake, man eating spiders, fire breathing dragons, crazy horse people, soul sucking dementors, and the tree that smashes people.

The only thing flat Earthers have to fear ...
... is sphere itself.

The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe.

Leather armour is best for sneaking, because it's literally made of hide.

Forget the past, you cannot change it.
Forget the future, you cannot predict it.
Forget the present, I didn't get you one.

Two reasons why I don't give money to homeless people:
1) They need money for drugs.
2) I need money for drugs.

As I parked in a disabled parking spot, a traffic warden walked up and asked, "What's your disability?"
"Tourettes," I replied, "Now fuck off, you cunt."

Son: "Am I adopted?"
Father: "Of course not. Why would I ever choose you?"

Interested in time travel?
Meet here last Thursday, 7:00pm

License Plate: 370H55V (turn upside down and read)

Success is like being pregnant. Everyone says congratulations, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked.

Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F

Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.

I would make another chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.

Caution! Objects in calendar are closer than they appear.

Arguing on the internet is like running in the Special Olympics.
Even if you win, you're still retarded.

I believe in evidence. I believe in observation, measurement, and reasoning, confirmed by independent observers. I'll believe anything, no matter how wild and ridiculous, if there is evidence for it. The wilder and more ridiculous something is, however, the firmer and more solid the evidence will have to be.
- Isaac Asimov

The key to happiness is lower expectations.
Lower.
Nope, even lower.
There you go.

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

I ate four cans of alphabet soup and just had the largest vowel movement ever.

Some of you single moms should dess your kids like pokemon so maybe their dads will come look for them.

Ironic is when
a coke machine rejects your dollar for being rolled up too many times.

When my brothers and I played cowboys and indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

I've always assumed ironing boards were surfboards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got real jobs.

A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding the bus to a local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing, while the dog said, panicking, "I gotta find that blind guy. I’m in a lot of trouble if I don’t find him."

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Seven Chuckle-Worthy Oxymorons:
1) Accurate sterotype
2) Certainly unsure
3) Known covert operation
4) Family vacation
5) Partial silence
6) Objective parent
7) Well-preserved ruins

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
- Winston Churchill

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

We can only be young once, but we can be immature forever.

Who's afraid of female "Ghostbusters"?
I dunno, but maybe the people who flushed $154 million and their careers down the toilet are the ones who are afraid.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you'd almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great quote.
However, it's not the best way to tell you kid he's adopted.

I speak fluent sarcasm.

I love sarcasm.
It's like punching someone in the face but with words.

I know the voices in my head aren't real ... but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!

I"m not lazy. I'm just on my energy saving mode.

Instead of a sign that says: "Do not disburb," I need one that says "Already Disturbed. Proceed with caution."

My mom said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed!

Don't give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

I'm going to retire and live off my savings.
What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.

Birthday
Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

I asked the librarian for a book about Pavov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not.

Haiku
Five syllables here
Seven more syllables there
Are you happy now?

If I ever win the lottery, I'd stay the same person I am today.
My poor decisions, however, will become gloriously epic.

Pedophiles don't get enough respect in our society.
They are the only ones who slow down in school zones.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.

Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

There are two types of people in this world:
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, "No, I’m traveling light."

I’m thinking about selling my theremin. I haven’t touched it in years.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
- Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.

Cole's Law: Sliced cabbage.

Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as artificial flowers have to flowers.
- David Parnas

Every time I read or hear about how dirty and smelly some people are, apparently including Linux supporters, I just remember that the Nazis wore ties. Always puts things in perspective: Cleanliness is NOT next to Godliness.

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
- Arthur C. Clarke - Clarke's first law

Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule.
- David Guaspari

Limiting the freedom of news "just a little bit" is in the same category within the classic example "a little bit pregnant".
- Robert A. Heinlein

As the Americans learned so painfully in Earth's final century, free flow of information is the only safeguard against tyranny. The once-chained people whose leaders at last loose their grip on information flow will soon burst with freedom and vitality, but the free nation gradually constricting its grip on public discourse has begun its rapid slide into despotism. Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his heart he dreams himself your master.
- U.N. Commissioner Pravin Lal, "Librarian's Preface"

A free press is one that prints a dictator's speech but doesn't have to.
- Laurence J. Peter

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
- Laurence J. Peter

How can you tell when you have met an honest journalist?
He is unemployed and unemployable.
- The Cynical Pessimist

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
- Ambrose Bierce

Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. ... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
- Ambrose Bierce

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
- John Ciardi

He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
- Andrew Lang

Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
- Frank Zappa

Government is the Entertainment Division of the military-industrial complex.
- Frank Zappa

There is much to be said in favor of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
- Oscar Wilde

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
- Frank Zappa

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
- Groucho Marx

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx

We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice.
- Woody Allen

The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.
- David Brinkley

For every problem there is always a solution that is simple, obvious, and wrong.
- Mark Twain

Whenever I feel the urge to exercise I lie down until it goes away.
- Mark Twain

If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re misinformed.
- Mark Twain

The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.
- Friedrich Hegel

A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
- Theodore Roosevelt

FINE = Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

You misunderstood what I misspoke.
- every politican who ever got caught saying something the general populace could understand.

If you're not worried, you're not paying attention.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra.
Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Politically Correct Names:
Politically Correct Dictionary
BlackBerry will be known as the AfroAmericanBerry.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that? 2:30 am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

A wife says to her husband "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says "what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

- Will Rogers

I asked her "What the paper was about."

She said "the accomplishments and growth of feminism."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Parents have been getting very upset.

It just came out that one teacher is a porn actress.

Parents are now getting upset that a teacher didn't have sex with students.

- The Cynical Pessimist

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class. At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so.

"What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?"

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS:

Q: How many movie art directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know and I don't care.

Q: What does FAQ stand for?
A: We are Frequently Asked this Question, and we have no idea.

Q: How do you tell if a Manager has a brain tumour?
A: His head doesn't sound quite so hollow when you hit it with a bat.

Q: If all the cars in the country were pink, what would we have?
A: A pink car nation.

Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: You fill it with gas.

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

Q: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

Q: What do old people and Italians have in common?
A: They always forget about it.

A: What would you call an Italian slum?
Q: A spaghetto.

Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo.

Q: What's the definition of a strict vegeterian?
A: Someone who beats their kids with celery.

Q: Did you read the new book about crazy glue?
A: From what I understand, you can't put it down!

Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Franklin Mint?
A: Yeah, he just didn't make any cents.

Q: Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam".

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist

Q: What do you give an elephant with diarreah?
A: Plenty of room.

Q: What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A: A sheep.

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What is a zebra?
A: 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.

Q: What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?
A: Iceberg.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.

Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
A: Ugly sheep.

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out for one more year.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A: A dog that runs for help...after it bites your leg off.

Q: What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the Post Office?
A: They're hiring.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
A: White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time..."
Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairy tale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ..."

Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells you to fuck off!

Q: How do you know when your house has been robbed by an Asian gang member?
A: The dog is missing and your homework is done.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?
A: To get to the other... um... er...

Q: Why are racist jokes so short?
A: So racists can understand them!

Q: What's the difference between a mutt and a pedigreed dog?
A: About a hundred and fifty dollars.

Q: What do you call four singing female rodents?
A: The Mice Girls!

Q: What did the bird say when her boyfriend bought her the wrong perfume?
A: Cheep cheep!

Q: What's the difference between a taxi driver and an elephant?
A: The elephant has the trunk in the front and the assh*le in the back.

Q: What has three teeth and sixty feet?
A: The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

Q: What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an Atheist?
A: There is no one to talk to during Orgasm!!!

Q: What does the agnostic dyslexic insomniac do at night?
A: Lies awake wondering whether there really is a dog.

Q: How do you get a robot to hallucinate.
A: Give it battery acid.

FROGS:

Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!

Q: What happens when two frogs collide?
A: They get tongue tied!

Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A: Unhoppy.

Q: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A: A rubbit!

Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
A: He liked a good croak and dagger.

Q: What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired?
A: It got toad!

Q: What's green green green green green?
A: A frog rolling down a hill.

Q: What is a frog's favorite game?
A: Croaket.

Q: What did the frog order at McDonald's?
A: French flies and a diet Croak.

Q: Why did the frog say meow?
A: He was learning a foreign language.

Q: Why did the frog go to the hospital?
A: He needed a "hopperation"!

Q: What is the thirstiest frog in the world?
A: The one who drinks Canada Dry!

Q: How deep can a frog go?
A: Knee-deep Knee-deep!

Q: What do stylish frogs wear?
A: Jumpsuits!

Q: What does a bankrupt frog say?
A: "Baroke, baroke, baroke."

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